How to teach DS personal space

[numberblocks54321]

Hi

My son is 4 and in nursery, almost certainly has ASD and is awaiting an assessment. I wouldn’t be surprised if in the future he gets an ADHD referral.

He has a fantastic memory and is very bright and knowledgeable about things he’s interested in (numbers, Pokemon etc) but his social skills are causing an issue.

He is desperate to connect socially and he loves other children. Despite my best efforts and nursery’s support, he is really struggling still with social rules. If he likes someone he will follow them around - understandably a lot of other children don’t like this and will then try to get away from him which then becomes almost a chasing/following thing. Sometimes my son finds this funny and thinks it’s a game , sometimes he gets frustrated and cross “I want Tommy to be my friend”.

I’ve bought books about “how to make friends” aimed at young kids , and he KNOWS he’s supposed to take turns, share toys, give personal space. He just can’t do it even though he desperately wants to have friends.

Will this get easier with age when he is a bit more mature? Am I doing something wrong or is there something I can be doing to help? It seems like the other kids are nursery now actively dislike him which breaks my heart

What support is DS receiving? What support is the nursery providing? Does he have an EHCP? Has he had SALT and OT assessments?

Sometimes difficulties with personal space are a result of sensory differences. Does DS have other noticeable sensory issues? Does he take part in lots of sensory activities/play?

Some DC find interaction easier when it is a structured activity with just one other peer (and adult direction). What is DS like with that? It is also worth thinking about how DS plays alongside/near other children. Both with individual toys and then with a shared set of toys. If he struggles with that, looking at parallel play would be the next developmental step.

Thank you for responding! He’s in the process of EHCP - waiting on the assessment. He’s had SALT and been discharged although they didn’t do any actual therapy , just monitored him over the past year. Never seen OT…

He definitely has sensory differences. Absolutely. Lots of issues around food textures, clothing and so on. Is very physical/rough. He’s constantly launching himself on me and wanting very physical play but on his own terms - I think he’d hate it if someone came bowling over to him and started doing the same to him.

One on one with an adult doing a structured activity like a sticker book, number blocks, doing phonic games he’s fantastic. He can focus for a long time if it’s something he can do. If it’s more difficult like using a pair of scissors (his fine motor skills are behind) then he can get cross and give up easily.

I didn’t really have any friends growing up (and now) but I’m significantly introverted so it doesn’t bother me. I find it sad that he DOES seek his peers but he’s not getting it right

Where are you in the EHCNA process? Is the LA sticking to the timescales?

Has the LA agreed to assess? If so, you should request they seek advice and information from SALT and OT as part of the EHCNA.

Do you have sensory equipment at home? Does nursery? Does the nursery do a lot of sensory input? For the sensory difficulties, you might find the Out of Sync Child and the Out of Sync Child has Fun books helpful. Also this booklet and some of the Occuplaytional Therapist’s ideas useful.

What is DS like 1:1 (with an adult also there) with a peer doing a structured activity a)alongside the peer and b) together with the peer? Can he manage that or is the addition of the peer as well as the adult too much?

Your little boy sounds exactly like mine at 4.

In my experience, it has got better with age. He's 7 now.
he's fully aware of personal space now, knows when to back off etc.

friendship groups have been tricky, he's in year 2 and seems to have found 'his people' and is so much happier.

He is likely to find someone if he keeps trying, so I would be careful not to give off vibes that he is doing it wrong. I've seen a lot of rough, hyperactive boys with no sense of personal space make friends. They just need to keep their confidence and find the right person. Online gaming is always an alternative if he hasn't found the right match yet, as it eliminates the physical aspect. It might help to bond with others over a shared interest. If he is into Pokemon, could you try and identify another pokemon lover and arrange and lead some Pokemon activities, like going for a Pokemon Go walk, play together on the nintendo or just watch a couple of episodes together? Or maybe when a bit older, find a Pokemon cafe and join in with tournaments etc.