17 yr old dd supposed to be going on school trip to NY and very worried

[doormatilda]

DD is ASD and ADHD high functioning but requires a lot of support behind the scenes. She's doing brilliantly now after a lot of really bad times in school (bullying, exhaustion, academic struggles etc) but her big sixth form college has organised a trip to NY which she is desperate to go on in a month - we've paid for it over a year for it because she was so keen to go. We've only just had the itinerary through and the place they are staying has the most terrible reviews you could imagine - cockroaches, bugs, dirt, dust faulty locks etc. A lot of them. And then there is the whole stuff going in in US at moment - ICE, and it's just not a time I'd like her to go really. She has confessed she is pretty scared but I am trying not to feed her worries. I am just so worried about her getting there and really struggling. The jet lag and the extra stresses and her executive function. If a teacher was going that really understood her and could support her I'd be fine with it, but there are two teachers for a group of 25 and neither of them really like her much - they think, I suspect, that she is just difficult and I am just interfering - based on previous interactions. I just wondered what others might do in the circs. I don't want to stop her going, and there seems to be a lot good activities planned, but I just worry she will really struggle and have zero support, and I don't know why the organisers have put them in a hotel that has the most terrible reviews - I am not expecting 4 star luxury, just clean and basic. She has a lot of sensory stuff and ARFID too so just so very worried. Any advice gratefully received.

I would encourage DD to go. I would speak to the staff going or at least a staff member at the college that DD is comfortable with. The staff ratio seems fine for a mainstream college.

thanks. It's not the ratio I am worried about so much as their attitude towards her, especially if she finds something difficult. It hasn't been brilliant in the past.

I think that is why you really need to speak to them beforehand. The fact they haven’t been supportive in the past is even more reason to, IMO.

They have this thing where they tell the young people they really don't want the parents speaking to them, and treat them like grown ups (even though they are clearly not) so it's not easy. I have tried. There's been an online talk where all reassurances given generally, but I know how irritated they can be with dd if she gets stressed about something generally.

Have you spoken to the SENCO?

I've not been made aware of a SENCO in her time there (second year now). I did ask for a meeting earlier in the year to which someone 'from the team' came but she hasn't answered any emails since ( I wrote a follow up one and one other)

I would contact the person responsible for SEN (the college may not call them the SENCo but there will be someone with responsibility for SEN). Unfortunately, it often takes parents chasing. If you don’t get anywhere, go higher in the chain of command.

Don't worry too much about cockroaches in winter/early spring. It might be a good thing though if the hotel is a bit of a dump. If things are objectively tough for everyone, it's likely the whole class will bond together by bitching about how foul it is. If it is not bad, and your daughter is the only one struggling because it's mainly different and therefore stressful for her, she'll be the odd one out. I often made the observation that neurodiverse people come into their own and take the lead in genuinely challenging situations. It's likely that others will get intimitated and stressed, too. Your daughter might well develop into the one who holds everyone's hand during the trip.

She sounds exactly like my daughter. And I hear you about appearing as the "interfering "parent. However, I would probably speak to the pastoral person at the college and send her.

thanks. It just seems mad how invisible any pastoral team is at her college. Also, I am so worried about world affairs and safety in flying to the US at moment. Just so worried.

Yes, the current situation would make me more worried, too. Husband regularly flies to the US for work and I never much thought of it, but I now keep a closer eye on the life arrival boards. So far it's all been pretty much as usual, though. Is her 6form college large? My daughter is about to move to our FE college. It has 12 thousand(!) pupils but no single Sendco. They have a support team one can email with questions and they do information evenings in a streamed lecture style but no Sendco who a parent can meet face to face, so what you describe sounds relatable. I think you have to go with your and her gut. I'd say there is good reason to believe that she could positively surprise you and overall it's still pretty safe to fly to the US, but if it just doesn't feel right to both of you there is no shame in cancelling. You'll lose money but you'd lose even more money (and sleep) if she goes and it's a disaster. If you and she are worried, it's not worth paying for feeling sick to the stomach. Events like a delay at the airport without exact knowledge of when to fly are more likely now because of delayed pilots/planes who are stuck in the middle east or have to be diverted within an ever smaller and more overcrowded airspace. Would that be something she'd be OK with or would any delays be very stressful? On the plus side, NYC and Manhatten don't cooperate with the ICE, so while the ICE as a federal agency is not banned from NYC, they are not operating any large scale stop and searches in NYC, so it's highly unlikely your daughter would get stopped at any point or become aware of anything intimidating.

Even in FE colleges without a SENCO, there will be a named member of staff with responsibility for SEN. Some colleges are cagey about who, but they will be someone with oversight.

Thankyou ilia for understanding. I know my daughter has a part of her that wants me to say firmly I am sorry you can't go. And she would find that easier than my current indecision and worry. I try to keep it from her but she is also, as she has told me 'terrified' but wants to go because it feels like such a rare chance. There was an interview for the next step of her education that might have clashed and she almost felt relieved because it meant she might not be able to go, but then we found a way around it. It is a very big sixth form and they seem very cagey about giving out SENCO details ExistingonCoffee - and also the main teacher seems to take offence if I try to bring anyone else into the convo. My main worries at the moment are why they'\ve arranged to stay in a hotel where all the reviews literally say 'do not stay here' and then the world instability situation. yes you're right Ilka about NY being safer ICE wise which is reassuring - thank good ness for Mamdani - but very worried about the travel to the US even so.

Ilka1985 I mean sorry predictive text!