DD 15 just said this to me and I’m struggling with it

[Soannoyingititchessobad]

Don’t want to bore you all too much so will keep it brief. DD is 15. We don’t have any official diagnoses apart from dyslexia but she is clearly neurodivergent - banged her head so much as a baby and screamed for hours on end until she was 9 months, bit her way through nursery and any social setting for over a year, didn’t talk coherently until year 1, long term eating disorder (for 13 years) that was diagnosed as ARFID last year, long term sleep issues. GP and ARFID clinic suspect autism but DD refuses to be assessed and I have to respect that. That’s the summary so obviously more going on than this.

DD and I have a very close relationship. She has totally depended on me for so many things for her entire life, the main thing being sleep. We have been to hell and back with her sleep since she was a baby. More recently (about 2 years ago) she has a traumatising nightmare that made her shake and hyperventilate for about 4 hours. She couldn’t be alone in any room or sleep alone for 6 months. She was terrified day and night. We got her a counsellor and that gradually helped but I had to sleep with her during this time as she couldn’t be alone - she would just come up to our bed and cry relentlessly. Over a period of 6 months I gradually withdrew her need for me by sleeping on her floor, then the landing, then a few steps up to my bedroom etc. she now sleeps alone but I have to put her to bed every night.

tonight she told me it’s my fault that she has sleep issues because I have coddled her. It shocked me so much. I just feel so sad that this is her view. I could not have left her when she was a baby as she was headbanging, I couldn’t have left her as a teenager as she was terrified. My husband said it’s just teen homones. But I’m so upset as I sacrificed months and months of sleep to support her and now I’m questioning it all and feel so sad. We have such a strong relationship and this is the first time she has called it into question 😔

Firstly, wow you have been through a lot and have dealt with it so well. It sounds like you have done everything that any neuroaffirmative professional would advise you to. And your dd sounds amazing but she’s wrong about this. There is no evidence to show that parents cause sleep issues by co sleeping or coregulating at any time of the day. She is trying to find someone to blame as she is finding it hard to accept that she may be different to people around her and you are an easy target. I’d probably respond by saying that you understand that she feels hurt and confused but that you did not do anything wrong and that she hasn’t don’t anything wrong either. She will need a very slow gentle approach to dealing with her own neurodiversity and mental health issues in a neuroaffirmative way- knowing that she is not abnormal or damaged, it’s just her brain is different to other people and that gives her very unique strengths and unique challenges too. There is plenty of research out there to show the damaging effects of leaving children to cry and deal with big emotions alone - try Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate for starters. Sending lots of good vibes to you and your dd x

DC don’t always have great insight into their difficulties. Sometimes they aren’t rational either. You haven’t done anything wrong. DD just can’t see it at the moment. It is hard to hear, but I wouldn’t take it to heart.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your kind reply. I think deep down I know I haven’t caused it but I doubt so much that I do when I’m parenting her as feel like there is no rule book for such a diverse child. I’ve asked my friend for advice on this but she hasn’t replied and I think it’s because she does believe I coddle her too much. But until you have a child with such a need you can’t understand what it’s like. I’m a very maternal person and I’m a gentle parent (with a strong belief in discipline and respect so my kids are really polite etc) but I guess this can also look like I do baby her.

you’re right, DD really struggles to accept that she is neurodivergent and masks it incredibly well in public. At home it’s very different. I will talk to her in the way you have mentioned as I don’t want to get angry with her about what she has said.

Unless you have a friend who has experience with lots of children with additional needs, or is a professional for children with additional needs, I probably wouldn't ask for their advice because I think parents of 'easy' children can easily hop to this judgement of other parents who have children who are finding life more of a struggle. People can't seem to realise that children are just different and it isn't usually their amazing parenting that has caused their child to be any better adjusted. You wont find many professionals who would tell you to leave a child of any age who is having a night terror (I think it sounds like night terrors rather than nightmares) alone to fend for themselves. I have two teenagers (15 and 17) who have no additional needs, but they both still quite like me to come and put them to bed! They just enjoy 1-1 time. And thats fine. I will be there as long as they want it! There are some brilliant podcasts on attachment out there, by psychologists I mentioned beforehand, and many others. I also find Dr Cam Caswell (clinical psych) on instagram really excellent in her approach too, lots of daily nuggets of wisdom for parenting teenagers. Well done, you're doing a great job. x

Just chill. Don't get upset. Don't get angry. Don't feel like you did anything wrong. You have done the right thing but it's now her job to find fault with you. That's what all teenagers need to do, neurodivergent or not. At 15, it's rather late for her rebellious phase. Most start way earlier. But it's healthy for her to find you now 'totally' embarassing, annoying, suffocating and plain wrong and irritating on everything and anything. Just stay calm and ideally, be proud of her for becomming independent. She needs to distance herself from you to grow and then she'll bounce back, no worries. In German, the term for this phase is 'abnabeln'. I think it's a great way of describing this phase. It literally means teenagers are cutting the umbilical cord, i.e. teenagers cutting off their parents.