Discipline and other kids

[anon244]

Hi all.

my 8 year old son has autism, possible adhd and dyslexia. We have already moved him schools due to bullying and them not meeting his educational needs. His new school are fantastic and have helped so much with him and getting his diagnosis. He has had his struggles but I’m finding due to a lot of medical issues these past few months with him he has become alot less tolerant of other kids.

Today I got a call because he had kicked another child. It started today in class when he heard her swear. He told the teacher but she denied it. At break she was following him around going on and on about it and wouldn’t leave him alone. He told her to leave him alone and tried to get away from her but she kept following her. He lost it and kicked her. No defense he shouldn’t have done it but where do we do we draw the line of consequences for other kids? He repeatedly told her to leave him alone, he tried getting away, he couldn’t get the attention of a PSA so he felt his only option was to kick her because he knew that would get her to leave him alone.

Again he should not have done it but what I’m not understanding is the schools stance on the other child? She repeatedly invaded his space, kept following him when asked to leave him alone and purposely sought him out yet he gets in trouble (rightly so) and she is seen as the victim and innocent.

This is a recurrent theme where some kids know his triggers and deliberately push them. Nothing seems to happen to them and my son is punished. He was doing so well and managing to get away and get help but where should we draw the line with the other kids? He shouldn’t be physical with them but he wouldn’t feel the need to if they left him alone when he asks them to.

I think you need to focus on DS and the support he requires rather than on the consequences others may or may not receive.

With that in mind, what support is the school providing? Why wasn’t there adult supervision? If this is an ongoing issue, why isn’t DS being provided with a higher level of supervision? What help with emotional regulation is DS receiving?

Unless the other pupil swore at DS or another pupil, I would be encouraging him to ignore rather than get involved. This will help DS as he gets older.

You just can't argue 'she pushed my buttons so I kicked her'. This is the basis for a lot of domestic violence. The only stance ever has to be that you don't kick or hit when you get triggered. End of. You can and must talk about what to do in a situation like that, e.g. ignore, breath, walk away. The best thing would probably have been for him to say sorry to the girl for kicking her earlier and admitting that while he doesn't like swearing that swearing is not as bad as kicking and that he has been wrong. That would have most likely stopped it all.

I guess we also don’t know what possible needs the other pupil has which lead to her behaving as she did.