Worried about friend's kid

[Comfortable8520]

I am not quite sure where to start with this.

There was a recent thread about a mum who was struggling to take her 9 year old out at weekends, and a lot of replies suggested the child could be autistic. What really struck me was how many people said their children were diagnosed later on at 7, 8, 9, even into the teens. Some adults said they were only diagnosed in their 30s or later.

I have always been watching my own DS closely. I do not see any signs with him, but I always was anxious about missing something. More than that, it brought up worries I have had for a long time about my friend’s son, who is 5 and a bit, the same age as my DS.

My friend also really struggles to get her DS out for playdates, parties, park etc. It is very unpredictable and often he just refuses to go. That is something I never really understood, as my DS is always keen to join in when we go out. Her son also does not really play with my DS or chat to him, apart from when they play with trains. He is extremely interested in spinning things like wheels, mechanisms, washing machines and similar. I have seen him playing with unusual things like a door, opening and closing it repeatedly.

He seems to prefer being on his own and does not appear bothered about joining others. He also has quite a few sensitivities. He cannot tolerate being touched by other people and will scream, and he struggles to be outside in the sun without sunglasses. He is also a very picky eater with a very limited range of plain foods he will accept. I may be wrong, but communication sometimes feels a bit difficult too.

If this were my own child, I think I would be quite concerned if they had no interest in friends or could not cope with parties or children’s activities. I also worry about my friend herself, as it feels like all of this has taken a toll on her and at times it seems she is close to giving up on having a social life altogether.

I have not seen her very much in the last year as I had a baby and life has been busy. When we did speak, she said her son was doing well at school and that the teachers had not raised any concerns. That reassured me at the time, as I assumed that if something were off, school would notice it.

After reading that recent thread about the 9 year old though, I was shocked by how late autism can sometimes be picked up. It made me start worrying all over again about my friend’s son and whether I should have been more direct with her. I have tried to raise my concerns very gently in the past, but she always brushed it off.

I am now unsure what to do. Part of me thinks I should leave it and stop overthinking, and accept that this is not really my place. I do not want to risk losing a friend, but at the same time I cannot ignore that I sometimes feel uneasy when I am around her and her son. I would love to support her, but have no idea how and whether it would even be welcome.

How would you handle this without damaging the friendship or overstepping? Is this something I should step back from emotionally and accept as it is?

The overstepping isn’t those 3 bullet points.

The overstepping is that you are “now unsure what to do” that you are “overthinking” their situation, that you “cannot ignore that I sometimes feel uneasy”, that you are so invested that you are asking if you need to “step back from emotionally and accept as it is?” That you are so focused on diagnosis resulting in extra support.

That you think you should say something further despite the fact when you “asked similar questions (i.e. whether she has any concerns) she would just say that's how her son is.” She has already shut down that line of thought with you, yet you want to persist.

Overstepping usually means actions of violating someone's boundaries. As you see, I have not done that.

Sharing my worries with strangers on Mumsnet, overthinking, sharing that I am uneasy (simply because I don't know how to behave around her DS and if my friend is noticing these things) is hardly overstepping. I am allowed to think and feel all these things, even if for you it's a total nonsense.

Also, I am generally appalled by some people thinking I am having some sort of an ulterior motive/goal when I am simply worried about a friend! I don't know if that's bad experiences you had in the past but I can't imagine what sort of motive one can have in this situation, apart from genuine concern.

The first definition from google of overstepping is “to go beyond what is permitted or acceptable”. IMO, the things I listed in my last post do exactly that. I don’t think they are acceptable. Feel free to disagree. I stand by what I said. Nothing to do with “bad experiences…in the past” .

Jesus!! Just because your child isn’t doing what you think he should be doing or what you think is normal for his age doesn’t mean he’s on the spectrum

@Comfortable8520 All you need to do is to accept your friend's child how he is and accommodate his needs and interests. No diagnosis will tell you or your friend how to do this and what exactly those needs and interests are. You just observe, stay calm, confident, relaxed, friendly, and then accept and react appropriately. Your friend is absolutely right, you can't fix or cure or treat or change ASD, it is his personality. So don't force anything he doesn't like and offer things he enjoys or that don't upset or stress him. Noone can tell you what a specific autistic person likes and finds upsetting, though. They all like different things, and circumstances are key. A diagnosis is not an instruction manual. Just be kind, accepting, supportive, patient and most important of all, stop giving off these vibes that something is wrong and needs fixing. It's totally contra productive. My autistic children's family and friends don't see and treat them as people with autism who need fixing. They take the time to get to know them and their likes and dislikes and then they bond over shared interests, like they would with other people. Or they just don't have anything in common and give each other space, that's fine too. My children are diagnosed, but for us the diagnosis didn't lead to any intervention, treatment, help in school etc. It doesn't even help us much to understand our children better, as despite them both being autistic, they are like chalk and cheese with totally different, even often opposing, personalities, interests, abilities, behaviours. We have to get to know them as persons and enjoy and support them as who they are. They had some support from health services for particular problems, like speech problems, anxiety and mobility problems, but they didn't need a diagnosis for that and didn't have one at the time. School support is usually also not for autism, but for particular things, like failing the KS1 phonics test, being distracted by noise, school avoidance, disruptive behaviour, inability to finish exams in time etc. There is no intervention or support for autism as such.

@Ilka1985 thanks a lot for such a detailed advice. My further questions could sounds stupid as I don't know much about autism. But I have nowhere else to ask and chat gbt is very generic in his reply.

First of all, how do I get to know my friend's DS? He does not communicate with me and I don't feel I can connect with him in the way I usually do. I also don't think I understand his personality much. I expected my friend to be a "bridge" between him and me/my DS but it's not working like that. She either does not know how to do it, or she does not want to speak to us about it.

As an example - if we meet (4 of us) my friend, my DS and I are doing some usual things (chatting, playing, etc) but her DS often ends up on his own. He would either be not doing much or doing certain things that none of us would do. It can go on for a long time and it feels like he is excluded, which usually worries me. I don't know if he wants/needs to be included in the activities we do and if so how? My friend does not seem to have a consistent approach with it or explain how/what we can do to keep him happy. She also would not just tell us to leave him and re-assure that he is ok to be on his own for a long time. Any advice about this?