Hand hold or experiences with AuDHD child struggling with secondary

[AspiringSloth]

Hi all. I have a 12 year old son who was diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 9 (in retrospect, it should have been diagnosed a LOT sooner but a combination of moving countries, a useless nursery who didn't tell us about their concerns, a rubbish senco in his first primary, and covid delayed everything hugely). We are living in the Middle East, having moved here in the summer. My son has just started secondary at a lovely, UK system school with great support. But he's struggling. And I am so worried about him and what the right thing is for him. We're here more or less because of him, if we went back to the UK we wouldn't be able to afford a private school for him and tbh I'm not sure that would even be the right thing, but I was not confident about the huge London secondaries in our area at home and how he would cope. He's very bright but struggles with emotional regulation, focus, especially on things he doesn't care about, handwriting and, increasingly, anxiety. He's doing GCSE maths in his spare time, but can't write legibly, just to give you a sense.
I've just been diagnosed with ADHD(I) myself, and am 90% sure I'd meet the bar for an autism diagnosis in the UK but they don't diagnose autism in adults here. He's very different to me, though, I have better social skills and emotional regulation (or at least I'm much higher masking) and although I've always struggled with motivation, organisation, and feelings of shame around that and "not living up to my potential" I was mostly coping OK until I had kids. Although I did have an eating disorder in my early teens so that probably suggests I wasn't entirely OK.
Anyway. I guess what I'm asking is if there are other parents out there with similar situations with older kids - did it get better? Will he get used to secondary, given that they're trying their best to accommodate him? How do you work out the balance between pushing them out of their comfort zone or not letting them just retire from the world and giving them the support and downtime they need? How can I know I'm doing the right thing for him? (I'm aware that this is a ridiculous question. I know I can't know.) If you are also a neurodivergent parent of neurodivergent kids, how do you do it?

Some make a successful transition to secondary even after a rocky start. However, some find it too much, especially when puberty hits.

Does the school have a SENCO? If so, I would request a meeting with them.

What support is the school providing? What have they already tried but hasn’t worked? Has DS had an OT assessment? For handwriting, does DS use any technology and assistive technology?

How was DS at primary school? What support did he have there?

Is DS on ADHD medication?

I’m not sure you can ever truly know if everything you are doing is the best route. You can only do what you think is right at that moment in time based on the information you have at the time. Hindsight and what if questions only service to torture yourself. Everyone can look back and wish they had done certain things differently.

I have DC with SEN and I have AuDHD diagnoses. We manage by ensuring they have all the support they need. Not easy and takes constant work, but it is the only way. Although with noise cancelling headphones.

Reading your post, I really felt for you because you sound like a parent who is thinking deeply about every decision. A friend of mine has an AuDHD teenager and she said the move to secondary was by far the hardest transition, but things did gradually improve once the routines, teachers and expectations became more familiar. What helped her most was accepting that progress wasn't always linear and that needing extra downtime after school didn't mean her child was "retiring from the world", it was often what allowed him to cope with being in it. Honestly, from your post, I don't think you're failing him at all; I think you're paying attention, advocating for him and trying to understand him, which is more than many children ever get.

Can you say a bit more about the move to Dubai and your lifestyle before and after?

I think most 12 year olds would be struggling with such an extreme change, SEND or not.

That's not a criticism - I'm sure you had your reasons - but do have a talk to other expats about what is normal in terms of transition and settling in.