How to help DS move past a “grudge”

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DS8 has ADHD and ASD. Mainstream school and doing well with the right support in place. He plays football for a team and there is another player in his team he clashes with. He also has adhd. They see each other as competition I think.

anyway, my issue is that at training on Monday, the other boy pushed DS when they were doing a drill. Nothing massive, just a hard tackle really, but DS then keeps a grudge. They did another drill in teams and DS refused to pass him the ball. When I asked him why, he said “bob was mean to me, so I didn’t want to pass it to him”. I’m trying to teach him that you’re all on the same team, and not passing him the ball was being just as “mean” as what bob did to him earlier. DS has always struggled with social interactions, but I don’t like things like this as it makes him look like a bully. DS and bob have clashed quite a few times, so this isn’t new, but I can’t seem to get DS to get past it.

any ideas of what I can do apart from keep talking him and explaining? What I’m saying clearly isn’t working, or I’m not saying the right things.

I don’t think there is an easy answer other than plugging away at it and modelling behaviour.

SALT and OT can help with emotional literacy and regulation. Not a quick answer, though.

Thank you. It’s difficult isn’t it as can’t force them to be friends, as we wouldn’t do that to an adult. But he at least needs to be civil!

It is difficult. I have a teen DS who people don’t get a second chance with.

It is a big thing for DC without additional needs, but for ND DC who, socially and emotionally, may well be 2/3rd of their chronological age, it can be a huge challenge. Add in impulsivity and RSD and it can be impossible for some. Not to mention some adults don’t manage to remain civil!

Its a game. I think the kid should let it go. It sounds like rough game.

The best way is to demonstrate literally how holding the grudge will disadvantage your child directly. Show how letting go of the grudge might benefit them personally with examples.

This is what I try do. You can't force that feeling away with a be nice mantra. We are all operating out of self interest but some of us see a bigger picture that I believe our ND kids can't or won't. You can't force their feelings away unless there is direct personal benefits that they might buy into.

Show them the direct personal benefit in dropping a grudge or rather being more civil and trying another tactic. E.g why don't you try x y z and see if you then get the ball more from x person.

OR

'People love to be complimented. Sometimes this can help build a bridge and they will then help us do better in our game or give us opportunities by passing the ball to us more etc. Can you think of skills you admire in this person on the pitch? Could you tell them that? It takes courage and sometimes we are too angry. But in time it's worth trying it out and seeing how it works out'

You could call this manipulative. Yet, every one of us does stuff like this without thinking and we tell ourselves we are good people. This approach is a bit more honest about human behavior imo.