pending new diagnosis and need some advice (and maybe hand holding)

[mommytobe2020]

Hello - My very happy and sweet nearly 5 year old son has recently started in reception and is struggling a bit academically and socially. He was so comfortable and happy with some friends in nursery, but had trouble sitting still and was screened as possible ADHD by a psychiatrist earlier this year. We believe he has ADHD and have an assessment on Friday, where I am confident he will get the diagnosis.

He started reception at an all boys prep school in Sept, which I thought at the time was a great choice for him given his success in nursery. Once he started, I was surprised that there is only one form of only 14 boys this year. He is having a hard time socially. He really wants friends, can make playmates easily at the softplay or playground, but is not making great friends at school. He has started a behaviour at school of licking things and sometimes putting toys in mouth - though he does not do this at home. This suggests to me he's trying to regulate in this new big environment. We've also noticed that he cannot recognize any of the children - he keeps calling out the name for his one friend and saying it to the wrong boy. We are working on this with him with photos, but it is having a really hard time clicking. We will raise with the psychiatrist on Friday.
Perhaps he also is autistic level 1 as he is socially just struggling. He does not have restrictive or repetitive behaviours, but his social communication is lacking with peers (not with adults or older children which he gravitates towards). He came home saying no one wants to be his friend, and it broke my heart.

His biggest challenges right now are hyperactivity / focus for learning and socially with friendships.

We have started him in play therapy and a weekly social skills playgroup with an OT. I keep trying to set up weekly one on one playdates where he's happy to share his home, space, and toys, but he somewhat parallel plays or wants the boy to follow his play.

Questions
-Do you think such a small classroom with limited friendship pool and boys only is the right choice for a sen child? I worry if we've made the wrong school choice and also the upheaval if we do decide to move him.
-Are there any other therapies you can suggest that might be beneficial for him? We are in central london and I am finding it really difficult to find help for him socially locally.
-Any other tips or advice? I have a new baby as well and my anxiety is honestly the worst its ever been as I am so worried and sad for my happy and confident son.

Thank you

What are the teachers doing to help him socially?
for example my sons school do little social groups for those struggling to make friends, pair him up with someone they think will get along well together, to name a couple.

my son tends to go towards the girls in his class as the boys can be quite rough with each other whilst playing and it's not his cup of tea.

it could go either way if you were to move schools. Have you visited any others?
some children obviously really struggle with the change and others thrive.

To be honest I don't know if they are doing much to help him, though I did ask. They are starting a social skills group once per week where 3 children will go and work with a teacher on social skills which he will do.
I had asked his teacher to recommend boys that would be good for playdates outside of school and she did.
Yesterday he told me that during PE he had to sit at one point because he didn't have a parter and there weren't enough people. Why would they even do an activity where one child has to sit out or why wouldn't the teacher do it with him? It's frustrating as a mom to see - perhaps there is more to the story as I don't know.
They also do this star of the week where each week a well-behaved boy is the star and gets to bring home the class stuffed animal. My son is desperate to be star of the week and said to me "you have to be good enough".... i feel like he's taking a real knock to his confidence when he is truly the happiest most pure and fun loving boy I know.
He never played rough really before joining this school...that's why I chose this school as I thought the boys on the tour were so kind compared to other schools. I saw at one point at a new classmate's birthday party all the boys just hitting eachother (my son was sitting at the table at the time). It surprised me a bit how aggressive boys play. He did say that no one wants to be his friend because he did hit someone in the first days of school. There is no way the kids remember my son hitting them that long ago, but he is trying to rationalize why no one wants to be his friend because he doesn't understand it.

Restrictive and repetitive behaviours covers more than the stereotypical view of it. For example, it can include sensory differences which sound like it may apply to DS. Licking and putting things in the mouth can be related to sensory needs. I would look at a sensory OT assessment. For some, being unable to sit still can also be related to sensory differences.

SALT can help with interaction and social communication. Many think SALT is only about the physical ability to speak, but it is actually about far more.

I don’t think it is possible to have a blanket answer to your question about whether a small school size and single sex suits DC with SEN. For some it will, for others it won’t.

Request a meeting with the school.

He’s five in a new school with a new baby at home. Surely he would be expected to be a little out of his depth, and perhaps more so if he does have additional needs. Myself I love small schools and small classes so I’d jump at the set up you have. What does “having a friend” mean to him, and to you? Are you sure he can recognise when people are being friendly or unfriendly? I would say the vast majority of 5 year olds really can’t.
My advise would be to admire the things he gets to do at his school and what a great place it is. Do this with him but also allow him to overhear you saying it to others. You really can change the narrative and change the experience this way (for anyone but early years are particularly susceptible to positivity in my experience).

@heavenisaplaceonearth this is really good advice - thank you. I will make sure to start being very positive about school and the fun things he gets to do around him so he hears.