ASD child refusing 1:1 learning

[Reyrey1]

Just wanted to see if there are any others in my situation...
My 12 Yr old ASD, high anxiety, ADHD son has had EBSA for nearly a year now. Wheels fell off when he transitioned to mainstream secondary school last September but year 6 was a bit of a struggle also. Only diagnosed early this year as was coping for the most part and 'high functioning' in school. No learning disabilities, bright boy but simply HATES learning, zero interest. We've managed to get 1:1 learning for him in local libraby with what we think is an appropriate tutor. 2 hours a day. They play games, Shes very calm, nice, child lead learning etc. He is now refusing this after 3/4 weeks. Says it's 'sht' and hates learning and now her (he wasn't saying that before) he won't go back to school us unable to. He hasn't even got an EHCP yet as assessment was rejected due to lack of evidence. This is the evidence we needed but now that's gone down the pan. I am at a complete loss as what to do with him. He just wants to play on his PlayStation in hir room with his online 'friends' and nothing else. We've tried CBT therapy but had to pause that as we started the 1:1 and it would have been too much. He won't engage with online learning at all, not an option. He's missing the social side and I believe he needs a small setting with a small group of boys similar to him... But that is not an option as we have no EHCP, he won't fit in a 'special school' he can be violent when dysregulated, lots of extreme swearing, hitting, pulls out knves on us etc. He is on medication (fluoxetine) for his anxiety as under psychiatrist and has massively helped. Had 3 meltdowns in 3 months which is brilliant compared to what we were having. So if we push too much or force then we run the risk of violent meltdown. I've thought of every option I can and I'm just at the end of caring at this point. He will end up in his room for rest of his life, no qualifications, no job, no social skills. I'm heart broken.. Please be kind. Thanks all

There are other forms of alternative provision than can be provided via s19 provision. You don’t need an EHCP for that. Look at other forms of learning rather than a tutor at the library. For many, that doesn’t work. If DS enjoys gaming, have you looked at alternative provision around gaming? Some are online but aren’t the same as formal online learning, but there are some in person gaming APs, so it is worth investigating what is within travelling distance of you.

Have you appealed the refusal to assess?

What else does he do to relax/calm/chill beyond gaming? (Nb I have done the ms/ss/he/ms/bespoke/ blah blah rounds and am totally aware of how you have come to the point you are).
Educationally is he on track, lagging or ahead?

Do you have other children at school in the mix?
Are you working and do you have resources to facilitate options?

I haven't even really looked at any other alternate provision as I doubt he will get it. There is somewhere that I think would suit him but at £70 an hour, we cannot afford it.
Education wise he seems to be on track ish but he's missed a year off school so hard to tell. Before his burnout, he was in top sets maths, science, english but he said they were too hard and hated them. But then he hates everything school and learning related.
He literally likes gaming, a bit of football but doesn't play anymore just watches and loves our dog...nothing else.
I've just been dealt an impossible child that gives be barely anything to work with. Feel like I'm the only mum out here with a child that won't do anything at all.

We didn't in the end as was waiting for the 1:1 to provide firm evidence. No idea what to do now... Just feel it will be another no and they'll get out of it

Other alternative provision can be provided, including those costing £70ph or more. You don’t need to be able to afford it yourself, you don’t need to be able to facilitate the provision, and s19 provision isn’t based on whether the child has an EHCP or not. However, the LA will only provide other provision if you force the matter. Gaming, football and dogs give a lot to run with in terms of alternative provision.

When was the refusal to assess? Are you still within the appeal window? If so, appeal. If not, request another EHCNA and appeal if refused.

Can your son articulate what he needs and what would motivate him? Would it be e.g. easier for him to receive the tutoring at home, maybe with the dog present? Or would he maybe engage with some homeed activities locally to meet peers? Or maybe some online gaming based counselling? I personally believe in 'deals', as you agree with the child something that makes it easier and allows them to cope, but in turn they need to work for their priviledges. So the gaming is a priviledge and becomes dependent on them engaging with learning in a setting that better accomodates their needs and preferences, otherwise there is no access to their computer. Please make sure to take all knives and heavy objects that can be thrown away. It's OK for their schooling set up not to be perfect, the agreement has to be that it is 'better' than the current set up, but that even 'better' can occasionally feel uncomfortable, as learning something difficult or memorising a lot always comes with some uncomfortable feelings. Yet if he says learning is that hard, despite being bright, have you tried ADHD medication? He might find it hard to concentrate.

I say homeed activities not because I think you should give up on pursuing an EHCP, just practically, in the meantime, because many areas have a lot of homeed activities that are often very cheap and fun, anything from tennis over games to bmx. Because it's aimed at homeed families, it's much cheaper than the majority of EHCP funded Send activities.

If you go down the home ed group route, be aware not all home ed groups welcome DC receiving s19 provision or EOTAS/EOTIS via EHCPs.

Myself I would avoid thinking of it as “home ed” OR 1:1 alternative provision OR whatever. I HE for years and in our situation it was the only then. My take away is that his education is down to you. It doesn’t matter if he’s in school out of school has a gazillion tutors or none, you will be doing it all. You may be chasing and correcting and pushing or you may be hands on teaching but provision for any child with more than fairly minor needs is just not there. So take what you have and start there. If you have the time/space/£££s start with the gaming or the dog or football and get him involved in things outside the home or outside the humdrum. Get him moving because it massively impact reactionary behaviour. Random ideas that may not work,
researching the dogs family tree?
training the dog?
fly ball?
or obedience training?
grooming?
walking or could he run with the dog on a bungee lead?
dog shows?
there are big gaming competitions and events that could be planned for?
Art work or posters that can be created?
models that can be built?
would war hammer be of interest because the buying building playing is very accessible?
do the games he like cover skills he’d like in real life, fencing? Judo? Climbing? Flight simulators?
football has all sorts of side activities though I confess it makes me deathly bored so I’d have to outsource that one!
The point is that EVEN while you sort out what he’s doing next he is better busy than fallow.

I find it utterly exhausting but this sort of approach is the only thing that has really helped us.