Pre-school son, struggling with possible autism and family in denial

[Asi97]

Hello

Just need some advice really...

My son has recently turned three, over the past few months I have noticed that he is a little "different" compared to other children.
-He is a very energetic, noticed he jumps around, throws his body into things, occasionally walks on his tip toes and will spin around in circles. He attends gymnastics and they have commented his Proprioception is poor (he runs into things/people rather than just stopping- he also just runs everywhere rather than walking ). He also runs into things/falls over/hurts himself alot.

• He has good speech/early talker- the issue is he doesn't stop talking, also noticed he repeats things he has heard from TV shows over and over again. He has also been making random screeching noises past week.

-He has poor eye contact. We have noticed he also covers his ears sometimes- when telling him not to do something, hand dryers, fireworks and some other loud noises.

• When he is tired, unwell or upset he gets on all fours and rocks.

-He has intense meltdowns- which are really difficult to calm him down (the other day he was repeatedly kicking me and screaming). The nursery report the same and he can be aggressive to other children but does have one friend at nursery.

-He has never eaten meat (think it's a texture issue) and has become fussy lately- he just says he wants to eat biscuits all the time.

-Dislikes wearing shoes/socks will remove at any opportunity.

-We have been trying to potty training for nearly a year on and off- he sometimes asks for a wee in potty but will refuse to poo. He became very constipated a few weeks ago as he was holding in his poos and now takes a daily movicol.

• He is very advanced with numbers and reading.

The nursery asked for a meeting a month ago and told me they suspect he is autistic (I agree). He has been referred to paediatrician and SALT for assessment by them and they have arranged for a SENCO to observe him there next month.

I have recently had a baby- he is 3 months old and finding parenting my pre schooler exhausting sometimes (he attends nursery 3 days a week- we cant afford any more days at the moment).

The issue I'm having is no one around me will admit that he is different to other children. My parents and parents in law all say he is "fine" and it's definitely not autism as he is so talkative/social. They won't even talk about the issues raised. My other half is unsure and just says he is hard work. I know some of this is normal toddler behaviour but it seems so hard compared to other children I see and I feel really alone in it all. I'm just glad the nursery raised it as I thought I was going mad.

I was just wondering if anyone noticed similar traits in there children and how you deal with family members who won't even talk about it.

Thank you in advance

Hi!

Well done for advocating for your child. I could've written your post myself. Even now, my child is much older our family don't understand their needs and it's an elephant in the room to talk about.

I suppose my advice would be to not feel gaslit. I've had family members tell me that I'm "too tired to parent properly and enforce the boundaries, which is why (child) behaves how they do" ... My DH doesn't see the extent of our child's behaviour, because he isn't around as much as me. You know your child best. Even now my DH will ask me if I'm being too OTT about his needs or exaggerating. He just doesn't get it.
Collaborate and work with everyone who offers you support... Follow your gut feeling and try and get in touch with some fellow mums who are going through what you are. They will understand. Look online for meet ups etc. There are lots of organisations and charities that have play sessions and events for families with ND children.

I have had to come to terms with the fact that 'you can't teach an old dog new tricks' when it comes to our family. Our family just think our child is on the high needs /energetic side of life, but doesn't see it as SEND. It pulls me down if I'm honest. That's why being a send mum is so hard, as you feel like EVERYTHING is a constant battle.

If you can, I would definitely advocate for getting private reports if that is in any way possible. Even at the expense of a family holiday etc. Push, push, push. Ask the GP for a right to choose referral, as that may come through quicker than the nursery referral. I wish I'd have gone with my gut sooner, rather than waited. My child was diagnosed age 8.

In the education system, support for your child is based on need, not diagnoses, so if your child is showing signs of high need at the moment, start gathering evidence of all the conversations you have with staff, keep notes of phonecalls, any specific incidents, ask them to write a list of what behaviour they see etc. You will thank your future self for it. It sounds like your child will probably need an EHCP to access school, so just start slowly preparing evidence for that. You don't want to reach year R and the school be unprepared to support him, as it won't help him to thrive.

Please reply if you have any questions! I am sorry I don't have more helpful advice on how to magically get family to come around to it... Some people may in time, others will not see it and think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. I just have to swallow it and keep doing what is best for my child.

Sending love!

Edited to add - I don't mean that you need an EHCP now. I just mean that you need to start gathering evidence of your child's needs. I know it's exhausting and I know it's onerous... But it will be of huge value when he's older. Well done. Also, I have a 2 year age gap between my ND child and their younger sibling - I've been there with the age gap etc. It's so exhausting. My older child has always been more high needs than my younger one. You've got this ❤️