PDA DD2 I’m broken

[Listinggracefully]

I was supposed to be going away for a couple of nights today. A Christmas present for me and my DSis from our parents. DD2 won’t let me go. Wouldn’t get out of bed to go to her dad’s. Wouldn’t go to my parents. I tried everything. She’s at her dad’s now but only if she can come back tonight (she won’t stay away from me overnight).

it sounds ridiculous as I type it, but she’s struggling so much with deep anxiety and I can’t break her trust by just leaving her.

she’s school avoidant (just started secondary) and I have only had a few snatched hours here any there away from her for months now. When I do have time I have to work, as I’m so behind (I’m SE fortunately). She’s so lovely, funny and quirky and I love her to bits. I don’t know why I thought I’d be able to go today, but stupidly I did. I just wanted 48hrs of not having to attempt to feed others, get them to bed etc

I’ve been really struggling with my mental health this year and I just don’t know what would happen to her if I break.

just needed to write it down and send it out into the void more than anything

I think you have it in your sentence “ I don’t know what would happen to her if I break”
Your DD would be facing much longer away from you if you were unable to care for her. Easy for me to say but if you don’t look after yourself you can’t look after her.

Sounds like you could do with some professional help with the whole situation and your daughter’s anxiety.
Are you on a waiting list for CAMHS? Was she attending Primary? Are school supporting you and have you previously applied for an EHCP?
Sorry throwing questions at you may not sound helpful but you need help to find some workable solutions.

Could her dad or a Grandparent have stayed over at yours maybe for one night? Straight choice would you like Dad or Gran to stay?

You being SE will be putting extra pressure on you and you are probably getting zero time to yourself. If you were working for someone you’d possibly be off with stress. Also means you have been available to be at home for your DD.

If you don’t have any professional advice and support, could you have some discussions as a family for who can support so that you can get out for a couple of hours regularly.
If your DD carries on having full control ( in order to feel safe) things may escalate.
Hope you find some solutions.

To add to @24Dogcuddler’s excellent post, have you requested alternative provision if DD can’t attend school full-time?

Are you receiving DLA for DD?

Have you had social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment of DD’s needs.

Thanks everyone. To answer a few of your questions she started refusing at primary, but the transition to secondary has really kicked it off.

she’s on the waiting list for CAHMS and school have submitted an early help. The first meeting is next week.

No EHCP and I don’t think school or the LA would support one. My niece has AuADHD with a PDA profile with EBSA and has only been to a couple of lessons this term and she has been refused (same school).

Pastoral support is patchy as the guy allocated to Yr7 is not that great at dealing with EBSA, managers from other years have been more effective, but she sees through any guilt trip or manipulation, both of which are the tactics they employ. HT is quite hardline about attendance, so it feels as though there is very little understanding. I’m still waiting to hear from the SENco about her maybe going to the learning centre and working her way back into lessons from there.

The advice we have had about AP locally is to avoid it. That’s from someone we know who works in the education team at the LA. DD is very bright and so I will HE if necessary. At least it would give us a routine. At the moment I can’t make any plans. She is very resistant to HE though.

DD2 has ASD diagnosis and I’m starting to think she might have ADHD also.

ExH is emotionally abusive and coercively controlling. I totally get why she doesn’t want to stay there overnight and I stand by not forcing her to do so. He also has a similar autistic profile to her and they clash.

She doesn’t like my DPs very much as they are quite old school and don’t really “get” PDA. They are also quite passive in their approach to grand parenting.

DD1 is doing her GCSEs this year and it is all so disruptive for her. She also gets so little attention as DD2 takes up so much space.

I have been struggling with anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia this year. It started when I was on my own with DD2 in a shopping centre and hour from home. I had a massive Panic Attack out of the blue and struggled to get home. It was really distressing for her and I feel so guilty. I’m autistic too and really struggle with having to be “on” the whole time. I love my kids but need my space or I can’t function.

i haven’t looked into DLA. I’ve always assumed I wouldn’t qualify because of my earnings

sorry this is long

DLA isn’t means tested.
@flawlessflipper will have valuable advice on applying for an EHCNA as a parent.

Mums always blame themselves don’t they. You can’t help being overwhelmed and having a panic attack.

Is there any help locally for DD1? Friends or family who can support. She could look at Young Sibs online for someone to talk to if needed.

You could look on your LA Local Offer for SEN to see if there’s any support for DD2.

Edited to get rid of a rogue apostrophe!

Request an EHCNA yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. You don’t need the school or LA’s support. If refused, appeal. You may have to appeal, but it is possible to get an EHCP for what you describe.

Alongside this, request alternative provision. This should be put in place when it becomes clear 15 days will be missed. The days don’t need to have already been missed or consecutive, and provision should begin by the sixth day of absence. ISPEA also has a model letter you can use for this.

I’m not sure why you have been advised to avoid. I would ignore that advice. Personally, I would check everything from the LA tells you. AP comes in many forms, so it can be suitable whatever DD’s needs and ability. You do not have to EHE if you don’t want to.

Apply for DLA. Cerebra has a helpful guide.

In all honesty go with your gut instinct. Unfortunately that does reduce your life as such being a carer for a pda child.

Equally depending which LA they will never even manage to sort out AP (section 19) so I wouldn’t even stress about it. can take years! Maybe you might have a better La than me. (Yes I’m fully aware of the law but even La says that they apologise for breaking the law) if it’s Surrey LA they are terrible!

The law is the law but LA s break it and they are corrupt. Having fought the law and the La for years the easier route would be to HE. As it stressful and equally what the LA provide is non existent or useless.

EHCPs are stressful/ tribunals are stressful and paying for professionals (yes you don’t have to but equally you will get a better assessment if you pay for private)

Can your eldest not b sit here or even be a safe person in the house for a couple of hrs if gcse age. Even if one is upstairs and one downstairs.

Honestly the stress of fighting the system for a pda child is questionable whether it’s worth it financially and also mentally (I’d say mentally it really takes a huge strain and not sure this journey has been worth it at all! Still waiting to see the outcome)

Only you can decide. Try and buy the grand parents a book / educate them this will be the best option! Or paying for a student to b sit to give you space and that way the student will probably like to bake / play games / or game what ever your kids interests are

Parents don’t have to accept it taking years to arrange s19 provision. Parents can force the LA to act, including via JR if necessary, whatever LA they live in. Ultimately, it isn’t the LA making the decision. Some decide not to pursue that but it is an option.