Hi im new here and not really sure why I am here. But what i can tell you is that I am a overwhelmed adhd mum with 1 child with suspected ADHD/ AUTISM and a mum (legal guardian, step mum) of another child who has been diagnosed with trauma, however me and my husband are suspecting there is more going on. I am struggling with everything atm. I love both my children and seem to be at a constant battle with everyone else in getting either of them help.
This post is mainly to do with the youngest child.
Any help or advise would be great but please no judgement! And if no one reads this then thats okay, i just need to vent.
Right here goes......
Me and my husband have full custody of one of his biological children. This child has been living with us for 3 years now. We went through hell and back to gain custody of said child. We didn't want them being adopted or in long term foster care. Said child was abused by bio mum. No one know to what extent this is due to the child's age. We always knew it wouldn't be an easy road and knew there would be battles along the way. Due to child being so young, we were told the trauma side wouldn't necessarily be that bad. Absolutely BS!!!
Educational said child is far behind. However I push for the school to help said child and do whatever I can to support them. My husband does to but with him working it's mainly me.
Said child loves school but finds everything a challenge. They are left handed which doesn't help, but unfortunately writing is mainly non existent. This hasn't always been the case. Before the summer holidays this year they were doing very well and could write full sentences, wasn't perfect but readable if you knew them. I carried on this work during the hoildays as knew this child was someone who could fall behind easily. However since September their writing has got worse. They have now fallen further behind. Said child can spell and I pushed for teachers to change how spelling tests were carried out as they could no longer write. So instead have a different way of doing it and getting most right each week. Since September they have started to have toileting accidents at school at least once a week and a few at home, before no issues. They have started to get a stutter too. This all started developing in the summer holidays and getting worse. Nothing bad has happened at home or in school.
I am pushing for them to be put under senco at school. But this hasnt happened. Me and my husband believe these issues stem for an undiagnisos of Autism/ADHD and dyslexia. However as said child has been "diagnosed with severe trauma" no one is willing to listen. Even though these disabilities run in my husband's family. We have provided the school with evidence and still nothing.
We have things in place to help at home.
Said child also has attachment issues. Which are very noticeable to us atm but again the school aren't seeing this. This is because when said childs teacher is ill or the school is closed due to half term ect. I get punished, as they blame me for taking or changing who they see each day. Because bio mum did this. Changed who they lived with, made ss change foster cares ect. There was no consistency of adults or places or routines. We try and make sure this isnt the case here. However we can't help how the school system works. Said child isnt the only one in their class who has trauma another child is in care and their foster carer have also been having issues. The school say they are trauma informed but clearly not. But also aren't listening to us and we need help.
Said child is hard work at home.
As the mother figure i get the worse of it. Which I understand but it still hurts. There has been no evidence on paper around said child having been starved or not allowed to drink again child was very young when this was all happening.
However said child will scream for hours, smash their room up, smash my house up, swear, hit ect if they don't get food or drink when they want it. Every day after school a drink is made for them and left in the same place for them to have. However said child will decline it but the second I say his teeth and bed all hell breaks out. If I am cooking food said child will scream because its not done when they want it. This isnt at any certain time. But meals are always the same time. We don't give snacks while dinner is being made as we found this made matters worse. Also when said child then gets the food or drink they want they have the smallest bite or sip and then say that they don't want it. And when they are calm they admit they never did want it.
I do my best to ignore the negative behaviour as comforting child makes it worse. We have been told these outburst are basically like the terrible 2s as said child never went through that stage when they were that age. Now a few years older their brain is trying to catch up. I try and remember this but it isn't always easy.
Said child also has sleeping issues. By 4/5 pm each day they can't keep their eyes open. I try and make them push on until 6 but by 3/4 am they are awake. If they stay up later they still get up the same time. So better for them to sleep around 6pm.
When said child is calm we have an amazing relationship and no one can tell they aren't biologically mine.
Next week is half term and im dreading it. I love said child and will always be there for them. But what can I do to help them and help keep the house peaceful.
No services are able to help. We don't qualify for anything.
I worry what the future holds for them and us as a family with another kid who lives with us who has sen difficulties.
No one will ever know what bio mum did, she won't ever admit anything. But is this just trauma or are there other underlying issues that are causing this distress.
Thanks for reading. Sorry its long.