13 year old girl struggling

[Fairyjam]

Hello, looking for any advice. My 13 year old DD got distressed this morning prior to school, not wanting to go. She admitted that she is struggling, particularly with English and science and feels ‘really stupid.’ She feels she cannot understand and keep up with the class. What’s making her particularly distressed is she used to feel clever and cannot understand what has changed. She is currently year 9. In her sats in year 6 she did really well (she was very driven) and got 118/119/120. I think she has also scored highly in her CAT scores (although I’m not sure) as school seem to be aiming for very high target grades for her. In year 7 assessments she got grade 7-9 for everything except PE and art (which were a 6.) However last year in year 8 she seemed to have dropped a bit (it was more unclear as helpfully school didn’t release grades, just whether they were on target on not, and she was below track for everything, even when she had gotten 70-80%in the assessment.) This has really knocked her confidence.
I have wondered whether she may have ADD/ADHD or even AuDHD all her life, she has sensory issues and time blindness, but it had never really affected her, so I didn’t pursue it. I now wonder as she is hitting puberty it is becoming much more apparent. I would obviously like to contact school to discuss this, but she is ADAMANT I am not to. I know I am the parent here, but I think if I go against her wishes she will shut down further and not talk to me at all about her difficulties. Does it sound possible she has a learning need? Am I overreacting? School have not flagged anything to me, but it’s a big school and I think she’s a bit lost. Has anyone else had to negotiate their child not wanting to seek help from school? What did you do?
Thanks for reading this far!

Can DD explain why she doesn’t want you to speak to the school?

I need to ask her to explain more, but I think it’s to do with not drawing attention to herself. She’s very anti me contacting the school about anything. She has recently had a behaviour report sent out from school which showed she had consistent good behaviour across all subjects so I don’t think it’s that.

I would try explaining not talking to school is likely to lead to more attention being draw in the longer term.

Thanks, that’s very good point.

Can you talk to the school and not tell her . In my experience ( worked as a therapist in schools) it’s better to work together , keep them informed . Can you get her some therapy for her self esteem ? It might be worth having a chat with the school nurse too

I’ve considered talking to the school and not telling her, but worried if she found out, she’d feel very betrayed and then shut down and not talk to me at all. On the other hand, I do worry though if I don’t tackle it early, it will be harder as the year goes on. On talking to her, she says ‘the school won’t do anything to help’ but I can’t work out what she’s basing this on. I do think her self confidence needs bringing up, which is trickier, as again she won’t really talk to me about this. Having had the initial conversation with me, she now seems fine and doesn’t want to explore this at all. I’m wondering whether to now leave this and wait to see if she raises it again? Or check back in in a few weeks to see how she’s feeling? Thanks for your input!

I would raise it in a few weeks once the dust has settled.

If she found admitting her worries and concerns to you lifted the load a little could you access some counselling sessions for her locally not linked to school/GP?

This may get her used to sharing her worries with others and accepting help. Then you could build on that to put in some support at school for her when she is ready to open up further about it. If she doesn’t like the idea of sitting and talking to someone face to face then look for drama or play therapy. It’s the same thing but they choose a game or activity to do together whilst they chat. It works for DS who has to be entertained at all times and he chats about all sorts whilst playing UNO with a councillor.

This is a great idea. They do do a certain amount of intervention at school, but very much doubt she’d go for this. I will look into what’s available from the GP. She’s generally quite a closed book, which I find hard, but might be different with someone she doesn’t know.

Quiet, well behaved, academic girls are the type to fly under the radar. From experience, if you’re looking for school to flag SEN, it’s very likely they won’t pick it up thus leaving her unsupported and potentially leading to issues in exam years. Despite her not wanting you to, you really do need to take the lead here.

If it is a SEN issue, which I think it might be, is it best to approach school first or go to the GP? If I flag my concerns to school, would they look at screening her or can that only be done via the GP? They do have a SEND lead for each year group, so I could talk to them I guess.

I would start by speaking to the school.

The school can’t diagnose but, in most areas, they can refer for assessment. And they can put support in place now.

I'd talk to the school, just small things that might help may be noise cancelling headphones, timeout card (5 mins outside to reset), peer mentoring (often a Yr 10 or 11, or 6th form buddy), teachers just keeping an eye out and not accepting that just because she's quiet doesnt meaning she's not suffering or is totally lost. There are online mental health teen support which she can access at 13 confidentiality, depending on your locality there will be local ones as well as nationally.

Thanks for these suggestions. I really want to contact the school, I feel like they should at least know how she’s feeling. My major issue remains, she is adamant she doesn’t want me to, and if I do she will feel very betrayed. I cannot seem to find a way to convince her it will be a positive thing, she just shuts down any discussion about it. I really don’t want her to feel like she cannot come to me with her problems (for fear of me telling the school etc.) and then she has no-one to offload to. I don’t think she would consider talking to anyone else, either inside or outside school. Has anyone else had a similar experience? How did you navigate it?