Autism.. meltdown or tantrum?

[HelloSunshine100]

Long story short
6 year old DS diagnosed autistic. Academically very able, no speech and language issues. Development wise no concerns. Struggles with social interactions, lots of stimming, repetitive behaviours had ASD assessment and diagnosed one year ago
Really struggling with behaviour and being told no he can’t have things mainly - screen related. When told no or can watch tv/ play game later goes absolutely mad. Extremely emotional, explosive will hit or lash out scream shout etc. is so emotionally unregulated and unable to calm down. Seems more like a 2-3 year old rather than 6
it is upsetting to watch so quite often we eventually give in. I know this is probably not the best way to handle it and we need to stand down and be firm but the tantrum or meltdown would go on and on and often would impact on his mood and compliance for the rest of the day
is this behaviour a tantrum or meltdown?!
any advice please

Have you looked at PDA strategies?

Sounds like a meltdown.

What support with regulation is DS receiving?

BTW: you say no speech and language issues, but if DS have a diagnosis of autism, there are elements SALT can support. SALT is about far more than the physical ability to speak.

If it stops when he gets what he wants, its a tantrum.

If its a meltdown, him getting what he wants when already upset won't magically make him emotionally regulate, he'll already be in a state.

This is quite good

That isn’t always the case, particularly with some profiles of ASD.

I'm not sure that's right. A child might feel e.g. overwhelmed and demand a device as it helps them to self-regulate after a day in school. Screens can be very calming for nd kids. Is there anything else that works for your child to de-stress and re-regulate, OP?. Maybe a scheduled routine would help, e.g. after school the child has 2 hours downtime that they can use how they like, in order to help them decompress, e.g. gaming or watching on a screen in bed, or whatever they genuinely find helpful (don't worry about what other people say children should be doing, just go with what works best for your child), and then a screen free evening routine of dinner, homework, reading, bath, maybe quick dog walk, anything essential that needs doing. But time to decompress is really essential for neurodiverse people. The 'let's get homework, dinner, tidying, piano practice out of the way before you can watch something' approach might genuinely be too much.

Screens can be very calming for nd kids

Just be so so careful with this. There's a growing body of research on how addictive they are and how damaging screens can be. The perceived benefit may not be worth the very real harm.

Well, I'm from a neurodiverse family going back generations and screen time was a really important thing for all of us to decompress. When I was 3 years old, back in the mid 70s, I got my own tv and gaming console in my room. I also fondly remember watching every late adternoon/evening with my parents or grandparents for 3 hours. I then changed school to boarding and screen time went away. I didn't last longer than 6 months. I'd always been an Astar student, but I couldn't cope, got an eating disorder and stopped going to school. That was almost 40 years ago, when EBSA wasn't yet a thing. Went back home, finished school from home with loads of screen time, got all As and a scholarship to Oxford, followed by a scholarship to Princeton and Cambridge and a varied 50plus/hours career while raising a neuro divergent family and looking after a very large period mansion (diy/cleaning/gardening) which we are happy to call our home. I still need to spend hours each day on a screen, like most mumsnet users. But overall, I am pretty healthy and high functioning, and I have it on paper that despite all that screen time my brain hasn't rotten but is in the top 1%. The only time I went off the rails and lost all ability to cope was when I lost my ability to decompress with screens.

Would it help if you set the timer so that it's not you saying he can't have it, it's the device turning off after X time?

Both of mine have ASD, the eldest does like screen time related to the latest special interest but has other ways of regulating and happily turns it off if asked. DC2 we think is probably AuDHD and it's a major flashpoint as it's like she needs it to turn her brain off. She has to sit in a particular spot as well.

Setting the timer and having a couple of hard rules like no screens on a school morning really helps. I'm a bit keener on the switch as they like minecraft and world building games which are good for creativity and spatial awareness.

I bloody hate screens though in general and am constantly trying to reduce them and the eldest doesn't have a phone. My brother did point out the other day we merrily watched TV all evening and played Amiga & Sega games constantly and both seem to have done well for ourselves so losing an entire weekend to sonic the hedgehog on the regular probably didn't do major damage.

Im an autism assessor, Im autistic myself, and so are my daughters. I couldn't disagree with this more. I wish there had been screens when I was young, to calm me when I was in overwhelm (which was often), I would run and hide for hours instead. My daughters use it to self regulate and keep calm. It is a remarkable tool for neurodiverse individuals, and one that should be given freely I feel.

Have you tried set times where he is allowed tv/games? Having a routine might take a bit of getting used to but might really help. It worked well with my DS with ASD. Lots of warnings before the end of his time though ie 10/5/2 minute warnings.

I think it's good to have other ways to regulate than just relying heavily on screens though, reading, walking, drawing, colouring, audio books, music etc.

Agree with the PPs posting about timers. Sometimes you need a visual aid to go along with it and it isn't something youll see immediate improvement with because it takes time.

We have a generic cheap wall clock, and I've coloured in different colours when things are allowed. When it is green we can play and make noise and have screen time, when it is red we must be quiet and stay in our bedroom, when it is yellow is it time to eat, not play, etc. We also incorporate this sensory bubble egg timer thing so we can say when all the blobs are at the bottom, it is time to turn the tv off etc.

I disagree that if it can be reasoned with it is a tantrum and not a meltdown. I used to believe this, but the more I learn about how transitions like coming away from doing tasks, or how rejecting requests for things like tv, snacks, etc can be felt as a personal attack on autonomy the more I am moving away from this narrative. A meltdown is simply an extreme response as a sign of neurological distress, and that distress can be sensory or a perceived attack on autonomy.

Transitioning or deviations from plans, routines and more importantly expectations can be extremely overwhelming even if the expectations are implied and not explicitly said out loud.