How to help DS with his feelings?

[londongirl12]

DS (nearly 8) has ADHD and ASD. Attends mainstream school and does really well. Obsessed with football so over the summer holidays we booked him in for some football camp sessions (just school hours ). He plays for a team anyway, so playing football during the week is amazing for him and he did them in the Easter holidays so we know he enjoyed them. He loves the sessions, but what he’s struggling with is at the end of each session, they give out 2 medals to whatever kids the coaches choose. DS got a medal on his first session, but now every time he gets extremely upset (sitting crying) because he hasn’t got a medal. I’ve tried to explain to him that he can’t get one every time, and he says “but I’ve worked and tried my hardest and I still didn’t get one”. I kind of understand his thought process, and I’ve said it’s difficult when we’re disappointed, but he can’t get one each time.
I just feel like I don’t know how to help him. Losing is a big thing to him and we and his school have been working with him, playing games that he won’t always win etc, but it’s still a difficult subject. I’m not sure what to do for the best. He loves the sessions, but it’s just this last 10 mins of each session he just gets so upset. Do I pick him up early so he doesn’t have to deal with it? Do I tell him if he keeps doing well, I’ll get him a medal? I don’t know what to do for the best. Any advice would be welcome!

Would he respond to a Social Story written just for him and the situation? I realise that you could go through this and he might know what he should do but become overwhelmed by disappointment in the moment.
Talk about disappointment and how that feels maybe ask what makes him feel disappointed.
You could look at some Olympic medal ceremonies and explain how an athlete can be one of the best in the world but still not get a medal.
If you remove him from the situation it won’t build resilience. Maybe try a mindset of most days I won’t get a medal if I do it’s a bonus. Teach ways to cope when he is disappointed and overwhelmed e.g. deep breathing, clenching and unclenching fists, counting in his head, thinking happy thoughts or squeezing his eyes shut.
Offer lots of praise. Maybe offer a different reward than a medal for doing his best a comic, a ball etc.

We spoke about it when I dropped him off. I was saying don’t expect one, and there might be reasons why other children get one like it’s their first time etc. he was fine about it until it actually happens 🤦🏻‍♀️ as he’s obsessed with football, we say Ronaldo doesn’t always win the Ballon d’or and he’s always accepting. I think the emotions just get the better of him. It’s been like this for years. They have a player of the week at his normal football and he gets upset every week then too. I will speak to him about counting, clenching fists etc though. I don’t want to say to him don’t show your emotions, but I feel for him when he’s sobbing his heart out and all the other kids are staring at him.
when I was speaking to him about a reward that I could give him, he suggested he could be “boss for the day”. Hmmm don’t know about that 🤣

Love that “ boss for the day” he sounds great.

Your DS sounds brilliant.

I wouldn’t remove DS and I wouldn’t give him a medal yourself. I think this is something you just have to work through each time and hopefully over time, DS will begin to not feel as overwhelmed even if he is still disappointed.

Would DS understand if you explained the coach is sharing it out because it wouldn’t be fair if the same people get the medals all the time as more than 2 people will be trying their best. If DS’s school do star of the week or similar, you could compare it to that.

I don't think that if a child struggles with self regulation and rigid thinking due to ASD, continued exposure to a situation they can't deal with due to their neurodiversity is going to build resilience. I would pick him up 10 minutes earlier. His behaviour is going to set him apart and make everything more difficult. It's a major achievement for a neurodiverse kid to thrive at a group sport session, so I'd make it as easy for him to continue with that and be accepted by his peers, as it will have a really positive impact of his overall development. But 'neurodiverse' means that they are struggling with certain things in a way that severely impacts their emotions and behaviour. If they could just do everything and learn to do everything the normal way, just with a bit of extra help, they wouldn't be diagnosed with a severe and lifelong developmental disorder. They would be diagnosed with 'needs more exposure to learning opportunities'.

This is where different things work for different people.

Leaving early would not be the better choice for my DS2&3.

They would hate leaving early.

They would also see leaving early as a punishment, especially when they knew medals were handed out and they wanted one (even if they didn’t always receive one and found that overwhelming).

Nothing to do me thinking they need to build ‘resilience’.

@NellyBarney Resilience was a word I used. I get it’s not great being upset in front of others. I know that as a parent it can be tempting to pick up early. You can’t always do this especially if something that is a trigger is unexpected or in school time.
As @flawlessflipper says some children would hate leaving early and then miss the experience or chance of reward. I agree no one size fits all.

Thank you all. I think I need to get him to focus on something else. He has 6 sessions left over the next 2 weeks so if I say to him if he has good sessions, he can have a reward (even if it is boss for the day!!). Get the focus off the medals.