Can't cope with DD aggressive outbursts

[Noodleskaboo]

I don't know if I'm on the right thread, but I just need to get this out

My DD 6 has autism & ADHD and has awful aggressive meltdowns. They cone out of nowhere with little to no warning sometimes and she will start throwing things around the house, hitting/kicking/biting/pinching, spitting in my face, telling me she hates me and wants me to die. Over Christmas she busted my lip, threw a chair at my head (a small kids plastic one but believe me, it hurt!!!), has given me countless bruises and scrapes. A few weeks ago she tried to grab a knife from the kitchen side (I was making lunch when the meltdown started). It's gotten to a point where I have to physically restrain her throughout the meltdowns to stop her from attacking me. It's happening 3+ times a week at the moment and can last anywhere from 45 mins to 4hrs.

I'm at my breaking point where I just don't want to do it anymore, I'm petrified of her and know as she gets older and stronger it's only going to get worse. My partner and I walk on eggshells at home trying not to set her off 😭 She's broken countless things at home of value and although I can afford to replace many of them, it means I have no money leftover to put into savings or to spend on days out etc

I've done countless parenting classes and sessions with her which haven't helped, tried different approaches during the meltdowns and nothing calms her down, it's like when she hits that certain level of angry that she can't stop it from escalating and all we can do is ride it out.

She masks in social situations and is booked into a holiday club for summer when I'm working, but I'm dreading those days already because I know she's going to explode at home after masking all day. But I can't take the time off work either, family can cope with her when masking but not when she has a meltdown.

I just don't know what to do anymore and am looking for absolutely ANY advice that people can give

Is DD on ADHD medication?

Keeping a detailed diary to spot triggers can help. Minimising escalation in the first place is easier than trying to deescalate once DC have reached the point of no return.

What support is DD receiving?

Has DD had a home OT assessment? This can look at how to make the house safer for DD and better meet her needs. What about a sensory OT assessment?

Have you had social care assessments and looked at your local short breaks offer?

Some people find the books The Explosive Child or the Out of Sync Child helpful. Others find PDA strategies or non-violent resistance resources useful.

She is still awaiting assessment for both, sorry I should have stated that in my post.

No medications as were still awaiting formal assessment. The only support we have received is through school sending the referral and parenting classes, I haven't heard of any of the other assessments you mentioned! Our GP doesn't want to know and has a "kids will be kids" attitude and hasn't taken me seriously since the start despite multiple calls with them regarding the issues I'm having, especially as it's affecting my own mental health so much.

I do try to de escalate but as she masks so well, sometimes (most of the time at the moment) she shows no signs at all so I don't see it until a huge meltdown happens and then we're past the point of deescalation

I'm going to do some research about the assessments you mentioned and the short breaks offer as I haven't heard about any of this

Thankyou so much for your reply

I’m so sorry OP. This is incredibly tough for all of you. Sounds a lot like After School Restraint Collapse after having masked all day at school. As well as general emotional regulation difficulties. I highly recommend you contact a Board Certified Behaviour Analyst (BCBA) to get support with her behaviour. From there you could introduce sessions with an Occupational Therapist who specialises in sensory support and emotional regulation, they can work on supports such as Autism Level Up! And Zones of Regulation to help her manager her own regulation issues. Unfortunately, this will all be out of pocket. Re The BCBA - Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA) has had a bad rap (rightly so) but the right practitioner who is neurodiversity affirming and one that prioritises helping DD get her needs met without her having to resort to violence is the best way forward, in my opinion. You can search for practitioners on the UKSBA website. Best of luck.

Even if DD masks, there will be signs, although they may be subtle. Keeping a detailed diary will help.

When the schools return, request a meeting with the SENCO. The school should be providing support.

You can request an EHCNA yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

Not all ICBs offer sensory OT assessments on the NHS, but if your area does, it is worth a referral. Even if your area doesn’t, it can be included in an EHCNA.

Hi OP, we have a similar problem. Our child is older (12) and she's improved but it's still an issue. I think it's not uncommon with neurodiverse kids but because of stigma people often don't disclose.

I was recently recommended this charity. We don't have our appointment with them till next month so I can't tell you if they're any good or not, but fingers crossed.

http://www.capafirstresponse.org/

No amount of discussion of zones of regulation type stuff has ever helped, by the way.

DD, despite being highly intelligent and articulate, does not appear to know WHY she does it and she can't admit she does it either. She makes up unlikely stories instead. "My hand slipped"...🙄