My child is destroying my house

[Loveanewsponge]

Can anybody offer some advice for me. My daughter is diagnosed autistic and is awaiting an ADHD assessment. It's taken well over twelve months just for them to refer her for the assessment, despite multiple appointments and sharing any information and describing her daily life to the paediatrician. She is super destructive, she floods my bathroom on a daily basis which leaks into my living room and ruins the carpet because it's saturated, no matter how long we let her have active water play, we've also tried limiting it but it seems to make no difference. She has broken beds, wardrobes, toy chests, smashed chunks out of t.v's, ripped all my curtains and curtains poles down which has resulted in her pulling some of the wall off in my living room, throws things out of windows so they have to be locked, throws things up walls and down the stairs. She screams repeatedly for hours. I love her to bits but I'm at my wits end. Its getting me so down and i dont know what to do and i feel like were just constantly being fobbed off by the professionals. We have locks on every room in the house but she climbs to open them now so we've had to buy a coded lock like on a teachers staff room but they're almost £40 each. And i don't have any other ideas, its expensive having to keep replacing each bit of furniture for her to rebreak it again. Any help is very much appreciated❤️

Has DD had a home OT assessment? That can look at making the house safer and better meet DD’s needs. For example, locks on taps or lock on the bathroom door DD can’t open, screens over the TV, limiters on the windows, specialist bed.

Has DD also had a sensory OT assessment?

Blinds may work better than curtains.

It isn’t easy, but it also sounds like DD needs far closer supervision.

Have you had social care assessments?

Are you receiving DLA for DD?

@perpetualplatespinning she hasn't had any home assessments, Sensory assessments, etc. I won't have blinds anymore because of them posing a hazard with the strings and stuff and she broke the last ones we had so I thought curtains were the better option. Supervision wise, she's normally at my side or following me around the house. But she can sneak off whilst I'm minding her younger sister and does also wake through the night which she's currently on medication for. She will have a mattress off a bed and overturn it in no time, same with the wardrobes, she's incredibly strong. The water situation is a difficult one as we're currently having to turn the water off until needed, hence the coded lock because it's not practical to turn the water on and off and were in a 3 floor house. But i am also buying the same lock for my kitchen as there's too many hazards in there. We are receiving DLA for her

Request a home OT assessment.

Not all ICB commission sensory OT on the NHS. If your area does, it is worth a referral.

Does DD have an EHCP? If so, sensory OT provision can be included even if your local ICB doesn’t commission NHS sensory OT. If DD doesn’t have an EHCP, request an EHCNA. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

Blinds don’t always have cords. Even when they do, they can have connectors in them so that they break with any tension. If you don’t want blinds, you could look at privacy screens to stick on the windows. Or OT could help with screens over the window with remote controlled blinds behind them.

OT can help with a specialist bed so DD can’t wander in the night. New Life provides emergency loans you could look at.

It sounds like DD needs more supervision, so she can’t sneak off. Difficult, yes, but it sounds essential. Have you requested social care assessments? It sounds like you have young DC, so have a look at Home Start if they operate in your area.

Hi just want to give you a hand hold , I completely understand what you are going through and just how challenging & exhausting it is . I had similar with my asd son and my audhd daughter . Unless you live it day in day out no one realises how difficult it is. It got better with my son as he got older . Can I ask how old dd is ? X

I feel your pain.
I had 2 smashed tvs.
I have 5 broken doors & a hole in the ceiling.

What could work for you though?
Remove the bath & just have a shower.
Have an outdoor water table.
You can get a screen to put over tv to stop it getting smashed.

Do you have support from early years team?
These referrals take far too long. So much suffering goes on within that wait time.

You may be able to speed up assessment process by looking at right to choose. There are many out options - here’s a couple to get you started but do Google and explore

Clinical Partners - https://www.clinical-partners.co.uk/nhs-services/right-to-choose

Evolve Psychology - https://evolvepsychology.org/

Look at EHCP and DLA if you haven’t done so. Look for local support groups in the voluntary sector they can be so helpful, for example SEND parent groups. Get to know your right, you will be the best advocate for your daughter. Best of luck.

Sorry-no practical advice just wanted to say how very hard this sounds. Are these things she’s breaking when she’s angry/overloaded? My autistic son has done similar but not as much extreme and only when in a rage so more predictable.
Are social services aware as they may be able to help if you’re worried about the safety of your child and younger child.

I feel your pain. It is so hard and such a lonely feeling when caring for children like this. My son is similar, he has severe autism and regularly gets up at 2 in the morning being destructive. He’s flooded our bathroom too. I had to insist on social services coming out to assess him and I finally got respite every other Sunday at a club for him. I’m now asking for more help but you really need to insist and know your rights! Overnight respite is a 2-3 year wait but he’s on the list! I hope you can get more help from somewhere, you’re not alone.

So hard, so sorry 😔Don't pin hopes on professionals, they have no info/ advice/ strategies that you can't find yourself on the internet. Ask Chat gpt to act as an autism specialist/ child psychologist and have a conversation. Work on giving your child a means of communication (verbal or non verbal - again, chat gpt can act as a speech therapist and advice you). No quick fixes but know that you are the expert here, not the folk you'll see briefly at some point once you reach the top of a long waiting list.

This sounds exhausting and so stressful. Is your dc a toddler or older? If a todler, it's not too out of the ordinary, but if it's a school aged child, you'll need a lot more support for them. I work as a carer for people with late stage dementia, and the only way to keep them safe are the code locks everywhere. I'd definitely buy one for the kitchen and all bathroom/loo doors, and also for other rooms you don't want her to enter unsupervised, like her sibling's room and your bedroom. It'll be cheaper than broken furniture or worse, injuries. You also need window locks. Could you sleep in her room and lock the door at night from the inside? Do you have a partner who can look after the younger one, ideally co-sleep to keep her safe from sibling? You can't lock her into her room alone, but if you'd both sleep together? I still co-sleep with my 9 year old every night, it's ultimately the best way to keep them safe and calm. I think curtains/pictures etc will just get ripped off. I'd do away with them in the living room and her room and just use dark window foil in her bedroom and get code locks for the other bedrooms. I'd probably also take the TV off as I'd be worried it hurting her or causing a fire, and just watch on my phone. Amazon does a fire for kids with extra padding and 2 years free repairs when smashed. Do you know what triggers the behaviour? If it's enjoyment of splashing water or pulling things, is there a way it could be done safer? E.g. a paddling pool in the garden or those physio rubber bands? Sensory friendly sessions at Soft play? Some kids calm down with weighted blankets. If she splashes so much in the bath, could you just give her a flannel wash/baby wipe wipe down and dry shampoo for now, especially if she could splash in the garden? If she is genuinely flooding the bathroom, this needs to stop as the ceiling can colapse, with disastrous consequences. If it's frustration that causes her to be destructive, does she have SaLT or help with communication? Could you youse Right to Choose gor ADHD assessment and medication? Hopefully meds will help, so that would be my focus and priority. You can call/contact different Right to Choose providers and ask for wait times. Assessments can be done online via zoom or via telephone. But you can't supervise her 24/7, that's not humanly possible. Could you maybe use DLA to hire a carer to take her out or supervise her at home to give you at least a tiny break here and there? Or depending on her age and on how unsafe her behaviour is, for herself and others, is there some form of part residential care, like weekly boarding at a specialist school? Where does she go to school atm and how is she kept safe at school? Does she have an EHCP? Definitely contact social care for respite.

@perpetualplatespinningshe does have an EHCP, I'll look into the Sensory OT for her
The curtains were less damaging until she pulled them down, the privacy screens I've looked at and am strongly considering.
She has supervision she's just quick and obviously the waking through the night. It is hard as we have three other children, one being a toddler and my husband works pretty long hours. We manage with that, its just the destruction and flooding of the bathrooms and the leaking into the living room so was looking on tips for that kind of stuff to see if anyone else in a similar position found something which could work

@NellyBarneyit is exhausting, she's not long turned seven. I was going to get the coded locks before, but the school kept saying not to incase of emergencies and stuff but I said to my husband in the end it's the only way I can see it working, even if it's only temporary until we find another solution. We are going to get them for each room, but I've done the bathroom and next the kitchen just because they're the rooms with the most hazards in. We have window locks, but she can fit her hand through with certain objects, i.e. small toys, phones and tablet devices. The locks will be cheaper then the amount of furniture being replaced. We had thick bolt ones on the doors, but she can climb and open them and she will lie on the floor repeatedly kick the door and some of them have broken so they're useless now. To sleep she will usually sleep with us or with her brothers as she likes to snuggle with them, but as they get older that will have to stop. Yeah, we have no curtains, photos or ornaments up atm as she's pulled curtains and poles down, broken all the photo frames and ornaments and pulled different shelves down so its safer not to have them up. She had a tablet, but she keeps smashing the screens on them. The meltdowns are really sporadic, sometimes there's a reason, but sometimes they're just out of nowhere and the timing is unpredictable. She also does this thing where it's as though she's giving herself a reason for the meltdown, I.e. can be watching t.v or tablet, she will ne in a lovely mood and then she'll lock the tablet or switch the plug for the t.v and then go into a massive meltdown. Upon talking to the paediatrician she confirmed this was impulsive thoughts. Medication wise, I don't think we can hold off on it any longer now as she's just putting herself at risk too much. I'm waiting to hear if they will prescribe them as when she was a baby a hole was detected in her heart and they're not sure it's closed or not, but they think it has, she just won't let them scan to check.
Her Dad was off work for a bit and so I would tend to her through the night and just stay awake and he would watch her in the daytime so I could nap, etc. And it wasn't too bad doing it that way, I just can't physically do the round the clock monitoring atm. For a while I was but I'm just wearing myself out and making myself feel unwell so its not very practical. My mom will help out when she can, and she does sleep over at my mom's to give me a bit of a break. I'm not comfortable with the respite. She does have EHCP. Thank you for all your advice x

I know it’s hard. I have said as much, but sometimes DC really do need someone right there next to them all the time. This is why I suggested social care assessments and Home Start since you have younger DC because DD does need more supervision. That isn’t a criticism of you. When DS1 was younger, he needed within arm's reach care 24/7. I also have other DC with additional needs. It was exhausting but essential and was why we needed support.

The wakings overnight are why I suggested a specialist bed, which OT can help with. This will mean DD is safe even if she wakes in the night.

A home OT assessment will help. As well as things like locks, screens, specialist bed, etc. that I have already mentioned, they can help with securing furniture to the wall.

What support is in the EHCP now?

@SL22thank you, it is very challenging. I feel like it sounds very dramatised when I list it, especially as she's just a child, but her strength is unbelievable! I think some people can be very judging with it, it's not nice really as you never know the struggles. It's very easy to say do this and do that, but it's not as plain and simple as that is it. It's testing but she is a lovely child, she just doesn't understand the dangers, bless her. I do like to hear that people's experiences get better, its good for them and offers hope to others that it possibly won't always be like this. Thank you for making things a little brighter. She turned seven in April x

@Itainteasy15it does get pretty lonely. I think it just feels like you can't see a light at the end of the tunnel, and the tunnel is very long. It's bad because I don't think there is enough help. You feel you've finally gotten to the top of the list and will get the help needed, then your slapped with a load more paperwork and assessments before they look at anything. I have to do a lot of chasing up for appointments, and finding out outcomes, etc. Just kind of put on the back burner with it. I'm glad you finally got some of the help you was looking for. My mom has her overnight sometimes and will also have my other children so I can spend one on one time with each but also have a break if they all stay together, so that's a massive help. Thank you for sharing your experience, we have brighter days ahead☀️

@Yelsyyou are right, the professionals should be people who have experienced this and have some personal insight, not people who read from the book to give you answers. Thank you for the advice x

Ah, intrusive thoughts. That's a tricky one. Both my ASD children have them, and therapy wise it's a bit of a dead end - both my dcs are with CAMSH but we learned that there are different tiers, and psychiatry is much harder to access than therapy. CBT widely available, but on its own hasn't made the slightest dent. I'm currently pushing for psychiatric care in addition to CBT, wouldn't mind going private but very few psychiatrics in private practice who work with young children and specialise in OCD seem to take on any new patients, so a bit frustrating. Selective Serotonin Uptake Inhibitors can sometimes help with intrusive thoughts and OCD in combination with CBT, so I'll keep pursuing it. Have you had a CAMSH mental health assessment yet?

@NellyBarneythe paediatrician did a referral to mental health team but when they called they said she didn't fit the criteria so wouldn't recieve help. I spoke to the paediatrician this afternoon and she said they have a lot of people who are turned away. She's upped her melatonin as the 2mg seemed to not be taking effect now, so she can have 3-4, haven't figured out how I'm going to give them her yet as we're struggling to get 2 into her atm. Also we're waiting to hear if she can start ADHD meds as she had a whole in her heart which they don't know has closed so its had to be advised by cardiologist, so hopefully we'll hear back soon. There really is not enough out there and it's such a shame because a lot of people suffer from the lack of it. It doesn't help with awareness, it still seems to be slacking. Just feels like a never ending cycle atm and very very limited help available unfortunately

Therapeutic input for MH is another thing that can be included in F of the EHCP. That way, DD can receive support even if she doesn’t meet the typical criteria for CAMHS and the support isn’t limited to what CAMHS typically offers. It also means DD wouldn’t have to sit on the normal waiting list (although you may have to appeal the EHCP, it could still be quicker than NHS waiting lists anyway) and support can be provided more frequently and for longer than otherwise typically available.

@Loveanewsponge
Thanks for reply . Yes I completely agree its never as easy as do this , do that.
Actually theres not much in the system to help.
Do you mind me asking does your DD verbal ?
X

There isn't, and there's so many different motions to go through just to get an appointment in the right place.
Not at all. She is non verbal. Its a shame because it's so frustrating to her, but we've gotten to know what different sounds mean and shes really trying her hardest to speak. She can say some singular words but not all clear for others to understand. She knows some makaton and signing x

@Loveanewsponge
Hi, just thought id message , see how you are and your summer holidays are going?

I think my daughter will eventually need adhd medication. Have you had any progression on this ? X

@SL22hiya, I still have some sanity which I wasn't expecting this far into the holidays lol. Its lovely having them at home but so messy😂 i got back in touch with the paediatrician this week but I've had no response so I'll be on to them next week. I was struggling to get her to take her meds on the night but I've found a little trick so she's not been too bad. And the lock has kept her from flooding the house so I'm happy about that. How are your holidays going? X

@Loveanewsponge
Hi there , sorry for late reply.
Glad youve still got some sanity. Is that still the case ? Lol .

My holidays have not been too bad as ive managed to organise family help throughout. Think if hadn't of had that would be rocking in the corner lol .
Hands on help is everything in my opinion with sen kids ,especially with my dd as she needs constant supervision and is uber busy.

Do you mind me asking have you got a long wait for adhd assessment?

Glad the lock has helped x

@SL22hiya, my holidays improved and they've not been as bad as I'd thought they was going to end up. We've had moments but overall they've been okay. My mom had DD a couple of times for a few nights where I needed it so I could get back on top of housework, etc. It definitely is key to have help available, and someone to vent to lol. I understand the rocking in the corner😂 i was expecting to be in a padded room with straight jacket on by the time the kids returned to school tbh. Our DD needs constant supervision, she wakes through the night and doesn't settle down so she's currently taking slow release melatonin (Slenyto, 1mg, 4 tablets per day) it takes its toll
I'm really confused with the ADHD assessment, because when we went to the appointment the paediatrician said she'd scored high enough to go forward for an assessment for a diagnosis from her home and school questionnaires, she said she thinks she will be diagnosed with it. But when I've recieved the letter from the appointment it says she has a diagnosis of ADHD. So I've been trying to get in touch to double check it. She has a whole in her heart which was detected a little before she was one and so were having to wait for the cardiologist to get back in touch to confirm if she can begin ADHD meds as the paediatrician had said she was happy to start her on that before the diagnosis based on things I'd told her during the appointment. But it's so long winded, and it's a pain to have to keep chasing things up. But as soon as I have an answer I will repost to you and let you know for sure
Sorry for such a long reply. Glad your holidays have been okay x