I feel like I’m going to have a mental breakdown

[OverwhelmedAndOverstimulated]

I honestly feel like I’m spiralling out of control. I’m a 31 year old, with a 3 year old and currently 29 weeks pregnant.

We suspect our 3 year old has additional needs. She Is going to pre school in September and she’s had additional settling in sessions to help her as she is very attached to me (another thing I get overwhelmed with but feel guilty about). They’ve agreed based on the information I’ve told them, that she has additional needs and have put a support plan in place. They’ve advised me to apply for DLA and they will do an EHCP when they’ve had her in their setting for a couple of months.

Since her behaviours have developed, I am learning a lot about myself and feel that I may have ADHD as I get so overstimulated myself and have regular meltdowns. I was diagnosed with OCD at 11 and have been medicated ever since, with on and off therapy, such as CBT. I am in the process of doing a right to choose referral.

I have low ferritin levels and in July 2023 I was diagnosed with CFS/ ME which I think may just be mental burnout, so I’ve been absolutely exhausted this pregnancy. I’ve had sickness throughout and continue to be sick now. I work 26 hours per week in a demanding public sector role and I am feeling so guilty about not having the energy to play with my little one and give her what she needs day to day.

My patience is wearing thin all the time, I am constantly on edge, and hypersensitive to everything. I hate myself. I am trying to keep on top of housework, looking after my little girl, myself, my partner and my mental health.

Please can someone offer me some coping mechanisms for my emotional overwhelm so I can help regulate my little girls emotions and be the best role model for her?

Also any advice on how to help her with her meltdowns would be appreciated. I feel like I’m failing as a parent and I cry most days at the moment.

TBH it sounds to me like you need to be signed off work for a bit. Make sure you are eating, sleeping and exercising to keep yourself as well as possible. I also think you need to be kinder to yourself, I think that's probably a really big thing. The other thing I'd say is, if you can afford to get a cleaner then get one. All this is going to help with your overwhelm.

Do you think DD is autistic? I would say that if she is having an autistic meltdown then there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it, it's just a case of staying with her, keeping her safe and waiting it out. So please don't feel like your failing because you can't bring her out of them. This is how she is dealing with her over whelm.

What will help dd most is a very calm, consistent, structured environment with lots of preparation for any changes or transitions. Routine, routine, routine as much as possible. Give her a warning before any changes so she knows she is going to have to stop what she is doing and do something else soon (if she is able to understand). If she will wear ear defenders then put them on her whenever you go somewhere noisy with her. Learn what she can and can't cope with and break things down into very small steps.

But mostly be a lot. lot kinder to yourself.

I was actually signed off a couple of weeks ago for a week. I’ve just been put on a job which requires a lot of reading and it’s mentally taxing, and I cannot think straight so I’m finding it overwhelming and often crying in work.

I do need to eat better as I find that keeps the sickness at bay somewhat, I just don’t have the energy and if I don’t make meals, my partner doesn’t bother. I wish he would take better care of me. I feel so alone and unwanted.

Yes we do think she is autistic. I’ve had this feeling since she was about 8 months old as silly as that sounds. I just noticed things that were different to other babies her age. I went to a friends 30th earlier and there were children my little girls age there, and they were playing as normal and not attached to their parents. I felt so sad that had I brought my little one, she would have been so out of place and overwhelmed.

I think what I’m finding so hard is explaining to my partner that she’s not being naughty for us, it’s just how her brain is programmed and we need to learn what works for her. We do have ear defenders as she gets sensory overload, and her safe space is at home.

I totally understand what you say about routine and giving her warnings before we’re going to do something. I always tell her if I’m due to work a late shift so she knows I won’t be at home when she arrives home, or if we have a birthday party or she is going to the childminders. That defintiely helps. it’s just the bathing, cleaning teeth, getting dressed that turns into such a chore and I feel such a sense of dread. I am always on high alert wondering when she may have a meltdown, but trying to prevent her from having one from managing her environment too.

I appreciate your reply so much. Thank you for taking the time x

OP it sounds like you're doing all you can, give yourself a break, she's still very little as well. DS stuck to me like glue at that age and beyond, I had to carry him in for his first primary school visit kicking, screaming and holding onto the doors. Weaning, potty training, teeth cleaning, getting his hair cut - all a complete nightmare. Now he's working as a software engineer.

It sounds like you could do with some more support and understand from your partner. Could you have a few gentle chats with him, ask how he's feeling, tell him how you're feeling and perhaps support each other (but particularly him support you!) a bit more?

Perhaps my expectations are a bit obscure! I just feel so overwhelmed and often can’t think straight, I’m not sure what’s the “norm” and if I’m babying her too much etc. I know I must give myself compassion and care and talk to myself like I’d talk to a friend as I’m often very negative towards myself. Sounds like your DS has done amazing, well done to you too!

I have communicated my needs to him countless times. He “improves” for a bit and then it’s back to normal, and it’s honestly as if I have 2 children. I ask him what he wants/ needs from me, and I like to think I have adapted to what he’s said. Just doesn’t seem reciprocated. We don’t have childcare next week, so as usual I’ve had to take annual leave to cover. My partner is self employed and says it’s not so easy for him, which I get. But I have had to beg for him to take one day off so I can have a rest during the week, otherwise I’m not going to be able to function and worry about how this could affect my unborn baby. He said he will sort something out, but it’s never done off of his own back, and I’ve got to constantly remind him; he then says I’m a nag, negative or moany. I can’t win 😔

I'm sorry, OP, it sounds like you are having a tough time. When children have additional needs, parents often find similarities within themselves. You say you are wondering whether you might have some ADHD traits - but have you looked at your partner? Maybe he is autistic and can't deal with the change of having children, the demands, etc, or maybe he has ADHD and struggles regulating his emotions. Men who hide in work/gym and get easily frustrated/angry/overwhelmed by children's neurodiverse behaviour sometimes have ASD themselves. We read a lot about mothers making links and seeking diagnosis, but the insight might not be so great/common with neurodiverse fathers. Most often with ASD and ADHD, it's present in both sides of the family.

If Home Start operate in your area, it is worth getting in touch with them.

If finances allow, could you outsource some of the domestic work e.g. get a cleaner?

You don’t have it wait until DD has been at the preschool for a couple of months before requesting an EHCNA. You can do that now. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

Keeping a diary to spot triggers for the meltdowns can help because it is easier to prevent escalation than try to deescalate once DC have reached the point of no return.