ADHD/autistic child can’t be told by anyone

[Daisydoo73]

Hi my son is 6, he is the most amazing boy, he’s currently under assessment for adhd (which we are 100 percent sure about) and possibly autism. He got permanently excluded from school back in December and hasn’t been in since.
One of the biggest struggles we have atm is that he can’t take anyone telling him what to do, we go in a shop and if he’s running around and someone tells him to stop he just blows, if any adult or authority figure tells him not to do something he just explodes, he’ll shout and swear, how do we overcome this? There was an incident in the week with a neighbour that told him to watch his car whilst on his bike and he swore straight at him and exploded, I later took my son back to apologise to the family, was that the right thing I do? Should I do that every time he explodes? I can’t straight away most of the time as he needs chance to re regulate, there’s no point explaining to him when he’s heightened, but I can once he’s calmed down and most of the time he will say ‘me shouldn’t of done that’ (he has a speech disorder to) just looking for anyone in the same boat with any advice.. we’ve tried taking things away as consequences to, but does that really work I’ve seen lots of things that suggest it doesn’t

Have a look at rejection sensitive dysphoria and PDA.

Is DS receiving any support?

Sounds a lot like my DS who is also 6.

He was on the brink of permanent exclusion and thank goodness we got his diagnosis at that point and the consultant agreed to medicate him immediately for the adhd, which stopped a lot of the most challenging behaviours virtually overnight.

He still struggles hugely but the sudden impulsive moments have hugely reduced. It was absolutely mind blowing how much the meds helped.

He hasn’t had a significant dysregulation in school since, whereas he was getting like that daily and had many suspensions. Now with reasonable adjustments and his 1:1 he loves school and is managing really well.

We have to manage what he does very, very closely depending on his mood on any given day and try not to put him in too many positions where he’s going to struggle.

I try to avoid shops the vast majority of the time as he gets completely overwhelmed. The small local corner shop for a comic or sweets is manageable but not the supermarket.

We have some large size reins for if he can’t walk sensibly near the road. We only use them when absolutely necessary but they do help.

bike, scooter & skateboard are only in the park where he has loads of room.

I try to ignore the dirty looks if he has a meltdown in public as people are clearly just assuming he’s naughty. It’s quite rare that people are like that though, most ask if they can help in any way. I just try to focus on him and ignore everyone else.

All our neighbours know DS is AuDHD (we are the loudest house in the street sadly) so I don’t apologise at the time but I’ll check in with them when things are calm. They’re very understanding and DS will go and hug them to apologise when he’s calm.

I don’t punish for things which I consider are part of his AuDHD, I talk about it when calm and there may be natural consequences. It’s usually apparent when he’s being naughty and that’s he will get told off for.

Also, look at an app called Decly which is great for helping to find how to word things in a PDA friendly way.

I think it could be one of those! Or both, nope no support, LA are meant to be funding him alternative education but nothing, he is having an OP assessment soon which is good! But I thought about therapies etc but I don’t think he’d manage those. I’m glad though he hasn’t gone straight back into school as I think that was all a little traumatic for him, trying to push him into a box that wasn’t for him if that makes sense.

It's not uncommon for children with ASD/ADHD/both to struggle with instruction for a number of reasons: because they struggle to see perspectives other than their own, because feel correction very intensely as criticism/instruction as bossing, because they impulsively respond, because they don't see social hierarchy in the same way, because they are already under strain from sensory overwhelm.

I think discussing when they are regulating and apologizing later is a good way forward. It's also very positive that he can see the behaviour isn't helping him when he's regulated. I've found that talking about what they might have done instead to get a better outcome (rather than x behaviour being right or wrong) can take some of the emotion out of it. Some people find Comic Strip Conversations as a useful technique to go over interactions, or social stories can help with understanding why people will correct/instruct and what the expected response is.

The LA should be providing support. For alternative provision, IPSEA has a model letter you can send to the Director of Children’s Services. If that doesn’t work, you need a pre-action letter. SOSSEN can help with that, but there is a wait, so you may want to look elsewhere. Then, if that fails, judicial review proceedings will work.

As well as requesting AP, request an EHCNA. IPSEA also has a model letter for this.

Therapies don’t have to be direct. They also don’t have to be what you are probably imaging therapies as. For DC who struggle with direct therapy &/or verbal communication, therapies that rely less on verbal communication can be the way in, e.g. animal-assisted therapy. What are DS’s interests? That can also be a way in.