Pls help give me advice - 10yr old behaviour (awaiting autism diagnosis)

[Newone123456]

Please can you give me advice as it’s tearing my family apart.

My 10yr old is on the waiting list for a possible autism/adhd diagnosis. She rules our house, we have to walk on egg shells, give in for the sake of peace sometimes (it it becomes too distressing for her older brother). Her behaviour ruins days out, holidays and being at home.

we tried to go out as a family for an ice cream today as a family and the minute we eventually made it into the car she starts on her brother wisdom him up and then kicking off we prefer him/never tell him off and just moaning about everything. We tried to make the best of it for my son who then just totally withdrew and wanted to go home back to his room. On the way back shouting, banging, my husband couldn’t take it anymore as was driving and managed to keep calm until we got home. I sent him and my son to my mums to have a break so I could deal with her.

She packs a bag and threatens/ tried to leave the house. Screaming at me and then pushed me. I tried to leave her to calm down and she follows me shouting at me, I ignore but that makes it worse.

How do I handle this? My poor son. We do take him out on his own and do the odd nice things for me but is this life now not being together as family and my husband and I take it turns to be with her?

Please give me advice, I don’t know what to do :(

School utter useless, charities advise me to go back and speak to GP and school and then they advice me to contact charities/support organisations - it’s just a circle. Autism assessment is 9-12m waiting list.

Do you have Early Help where you live? I think quality varies but it’s family support . I hope you’re all ok. I’ve been listening to some podcasts about autism recently that have helped my understanding. They are very wordy but gave me some hope life can be better living with autism or with a person who is autistic. I listened to uniquely human but I also listened to his podcast https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/gpnotebook-podcast/id1478649728?i=1000668457910
It’s for GPs but had some ideas too about what it’s like living with autism and how we can make life better so ignite the title. A lot of what I found out is it’s about working out what the triggers are to “bad behaviour” and trying not to see it as bad behaviour but a response (my feelings are split on this btw ) . Having been verbally mauled by a few people at work who have autism I have changed tack but still believe there are limits that can’t be justified . I hope as your daughter gets older she will recognise some of these triggers as she gets older and has more life experience but for now I hope you get some support

I'm sorry, and I sympathise, it is indeed very hard for the whole family. Family life will never be the same. I think you already discovered the best way forward: do things separately and make sure your ds and you yourself and dh have also some nice, peaceful individual experiences. It's sad that this is all there is. Getting a diagnosis, SEND support in school, SaLT or OT will hopefully help, too, to take pressure off her, but changing environments and group dynamics are usually what autistic people find extremely stressful and triggering so she is unlikely to not have meltdowns during family days out, holidays, mealt times and family get togethers, especially if they are not meticulously planned around her interests and needs. I don't think there is another option than analysing her needs and triggers and then trying your best to accommodate. Not as in accommodating a need for heroine or violence or similar vices, but her needs likely include routine, predictability, sameness, quiet time, sensory needs, and 1:1 attention and interactions, and she'll have personal limits to how many people/talking/noise/changing environment she can tolerate. Often these limits are used up by going to school, so by hometime many ASD children are already in a capacity deficit, if that makes sense. Also transition from school routine to weekends or holidays is tricky.

Doing things separately is the way forward.

Request a meeting with the SENCO at school. Support in school is based on needs, not diagnosis. The school should be supporting now. They have a duty to make their best endeavours to meet DD’s SEN and they must make reasonable adjustments. If you don’t get anywhere with the SENCO, escalate it to the headteacher.

Also request an EHCNA. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

Some people find the books The Explosive Child and the Out of Sync Child helpful. And some find non-violent resources &/or PDA strategies useful.

I don’t have anything left in me to respond individually, but I just wanted to say thank you so much for the advice and information. I really truly appreciate you taking the time to
respond and help me x