Violence Autistic DD

[cloudbusting123]

DD8 was diagnosed with ‘high functioning’ ASD about 2 years ago.

She is academically fine, and very well behaved in school.

predictably this means we have huge meltdowns at home. We are trying everything we can possibly do to help her. The problem we’re having is as she is getting older the violence is becoming quite dangerous.

I think she’s currently in burn out. Yesterday whilst driving she had a meltdown and attacked me whilst I was driving the car with her younger sister in it. She has bruised my arm quite badly and drawn blood. We were on the motorway and I couldn’t safely pull over anywhere and very nearly had a car crash.

the meltdown was because I had taken her younger sister to her party so she was spending time with her dad instead of me.

She has been seeing a therapist who specialises in autistic children and emotional support for the last year and have seen little to no benefit from these sessions. I’m a bit disappointment as we get no updates from the therapist and when I mentioned one of the goals I thought we were working towards in the last session she seemed to have no knowledge of it.

I just don’t know how to help with the violent behaviours. Do we speak to a child psychologist does anyone know where we can get help with this?

Im absolutely exhausted, im sorry if this post sounds a bit flat.

The appearing to cope in school and exploding at home signifies unmet needs at school. The burnout tells you the same. If school life was easier, home life would improve too.

With that in mind, what support is the school providing? Does DD have an EHCP? Has she had an educational psychologist assessment? What about an OT assessment, including sensory OT?

Some people find the books The Explosive Child and the Out of Sync Child helpful. Others find PDA strategies or non-violent resistance resources useful.

One of the difficulties of seeing someone in a group or one to one session is that when calm a more able child would be able to recount what should be done/ how to behave/ the rules. Once in meltdown the child is rarely able to apply what they have learned.

The example you gave must have been terrifying. You might need to look at prevention for a range of situations e.g. if a second adult isn’t available could she have a car seat in the back ( behind the passenger seat) with an sen harness not easy to undo.

Some local authorities run safe handling training for parents. No help when driving but some teach de escalation techniques ( physical intervention as a last resort)
Great suggestions for resources from PP

Does she show any upset or remorse after such an event once calm?
Does she have any calming techniques or strategies that work for her? Sensory quiet area or pop up tent in her bedroom, lava lamp/ bubble tube or sensory fidget of chewy items. Would a punch bag in her room or a beanbag or large cushion to punch help?

Martian in the Playground is another good book to read with lots of experiences of ND adults when at school.
Masking is exhausting and probably prompting meltdowns. Maybe keep a diary to see if there’s a pattern e.g.worse after PE day, calmer at weekends. If you do see another professional this might help as a starting point.

Have you been on any post diagnostic parent programmes such as EarlyBird Plus or Cygnet?
They might help you to unpick scenarios using strategies such as STAR analysis
setting trigger action result.
Meeting other parents might also help.

@perpetualplatespinningschool have said on numerous occasions that there’s no chance of her getting and EHCP. She’s not had and educational psychologist assessment I didn’t even realise that was an option.

thanks for the recommendations I have read both of those books. It’s more the safety aspect now she is getting older. She honestly could have killed us all in the car yesterday. I did remain calm but she was hitting me so hard my hand couldn’t hold onto the wheel.

@24Dogcuddleryes absolutely this, she knows all the strategies but can’t implement them when in meltdown. The only method we have found that calms her is me sitting with her and offering hugs and speaking calmly until she is able to start regulating again. She won’t calm for anyone but me, she is even more violent with DH.

Yes she is remorseful afterwards, it’s really sad to watch as I know she is in pain and just completely unable to control herself. She really can’t verbalise what is causing the meltdown. It’s often due to me not being near her or doing something with her sister which is really hard as DD2 hardly gets any time with me.

I will order Martian in the playground, thank you for the recommendation. And great idea about keeping a diary. I’ve asked for a meeting with the SEN lead so will speak to her about it.

she is definitely calmer after a week off school in school holidays. After a week off meltdowns are at a minimum so it is definitely school causing the build up.

I have not been able to attend any of our local ones as they are evenings and over ten weeks. My husband works away and I can’t get the child care.

thanks so much for your response this was really useful.

Ignore the school. Unfortunately, schools often incorrectly tell parents their DC doesn’t need or won’t get an EHCP, but the parents go on to successfully pursue an EHCP themselves. You can request an EHCNA yourself. If the LA refuse, appeal.

Because DD is achieving academically and doesn’t display challenging behaviour at school, an EP assessment via the LA or school is unlikely outwith of the EHCNA process. An EP assessment along with other assessments is exactly why you should request an EHCNA. Her needs need exploring and better understanding.

Request a meeting with the SENCO. The school needs to provide more support.

For the car, look at a crelling harness.

For keeping DD safe at home, a home OT assessment will help.

Although, easier said that done, it is easier to look at reducing escalation in the first place rather than deescalate once DC have reached the point of no return. This is where the STAR analysis or a detailed diary that @24Dogcuddler mentioned comes in, or ABC charts.

If hugs help DD regulate, you may want to try things that give her the same/similar sensory feedback. For example, a cuddle ball, bodysok, weighted vest/blanket/toy, steamroller (like what you get at soft play where you squeeze through the middle).

@cloudbusting123
That sounds so sad and really tough for you too.
May explain the driving incident when she couldn’t access you for hugs etc.
Could the therapist work on the sibling rivalry? I know it’s common but everything is multiplied isn’t it.
She obviously doesn’t like or want to be out of control. Must be heartbreaking.
Such as shame you can’t access the sessions. Not many teams deliver them in the evenings.
Maybe look on the Local Offer if there is anything else. Some authorities run Riding the Rapids may be shorter and in the day. Are there any social groups she could attend or inclusive holiday groups?
Do you get time just for you? The courses do stress the importance of this.

Hi, we have had similar problems for many years. There are some good suggestions here.

Rather than restraining her in the car (we did use a Houdini Stop clip when she was younger) we have tried to minimise use of the car. Easy for us to say though when we live in an area with good public transport.

If she can't be trusted on motorway drives you will need to stop using the motorway if there's no option but to use the car. As you say, it's too risky.

Regarding violence, the only thing that really works is to physically leave the room and ideally the building. There is no reasoning with her once she's lost it.

@perpetualplatespinningthank you so much for this this is so helpful. I will raise with the senco this week and look into the EHCNA.

i will also look into the STAR analysis! Thank you. I feel like I’m quite tuned into how she’s feeling, she’s a lot better when DH is working away which is sad to say. DH is NT and really struggles to understand her behaviour and to be honest can be a trigger for a lot of the meltdowns by putting demands on her when she is clearly already at capacity.

@24Dogcuddlerriding the rapids is our local offering and just can’t make it work at the moment unfortunately with her timing of the sessions. I really do this DH Would benefit more than me on these too.

good idea to speak to the therapist about this, I can definitely ask.

we did try a local group on Saturday but she just wasn’t in the right headspace for it and ended up having an argument with a friend which added more stress to her load.

we’re not really getting much time for ourselves at the moment. Parents have health issues etc. we have a good supper network of friends and family though although DD really struggles with me going out anywhere without her.

On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use to request an EHCNA. Don’t let the school put you off.