Too old for childcare, too young to be left at home.

[Cymraes24]

My daughter is 12 and I think she may be autistic/ADHD. She was referred for diagnosis by her primary school a year ago (at my request as the school had no concerns) but I've heard nothing back yet. Waiting lists are long and there is no right to choose in my area.

The main issue is that Dd does not like to be left at home on her own, not even for short periods. She will soon be too old for many childcare/holiday clubs and I have noone else to look after her when I'm at work during school holidays (lone parent, no family support). I have to spread my annual leave allowance out so there will be 1 or 2 days very week of school holidays where I have to work. No chance to work from home and not allowed to purchase additional annual leave, can't afford to take unpaid leave.

I have tried to encourage her to build up a tolerance for being left at home by taking our dog for short walks (10-20 minutes) while talking with her on the phone the whole time. This worked for a few times but she is now refusing to allow this to happen. If I say I'm going anyway, then she becomes really upset. Sometimes she will reluctantly come on the walk because she doesn't want to be left at home. Yesterday afternoon she stood in front of the door and refused to move to let me out and also refused to come with me. She was upset but couldn't explain why apart from saying she was worried something might happen if she was on her own. I feel I am being controlled and trapped which I resent. I need a walk as much as our dog, it's the only exercise I get and helps me to de-stress and regulate my mood.

Dd had a term of weekly mentoring sessions (I asked for a GP referral to help with anxiety and after a year on the waiting list this is what was offered) which was of limited value. No point in asking GP for another referral as Dd doesn't need CAMHS and autism referral is via schools.

What can I do for holiday care age 12 and above? The only option locally is at a leisure centre which Dd doesn't like because it is too busy and noisy. She'll have to go there if I can't find anything else but this will cause a lot of upset leading up to it and will ruin the rest of the holiday for both of us.
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How else can I get her to be comfortable being at home for short periods so that Dd gets used to it and learns to tolerate the discomfort?

Any advice please?

Thanks

Do any clubs or groups locally run sessions based around interests rather than childcare? For example, sports, drama, music. Would DD go to those?

Or a PA? Or even just an older teen paid to act as an older sibling? Or a childminder if DD would cope with that? Some childminders will take older DC.

We had a local sixth former pick up and stay with DS until a parent got home. They shared similar interests in gaming and got on really well. During the holidays he comes for a few hours every day so I can go into the office or work upstairs.

Speak to your GP about an OT referral to help with this. In my area, this is absolutely via CAMHS. Does she have any friends?

I think you have no choice in the short term if you want to keep your job, other than to book some kind of babysitter. A sixthformer would do. Any friends with older teens or young adults you could approach?

I know it's not the main point, but Right to Choose is, as the name suggests, a right, so whoever said "it's not available in your area" can't be correct? If they meant it could involve travelling a distance, no doubt that can sometimes be the case.

Right to choose ADHD & autism assessments | Clinical Partners https://share.google/qBzhssoyZqSZIR8Tu

I should think this is an anxiety based thing and you can't reason or dog walk away anxiety.

My (diagnosed) AuDHD 12 year old does attend a week's music theatre camp in the summer but we have built up to that gradually and it's not really childcare. Supercamps will take them up to 12 though if there's one you can get to.

Link to Supercamps;

https://share.google/u5YJJLsrzpwn2hGmp

Thanks for your replies.

I'm ok for childcare until Dd turns 13 but after that my options are going to be very limited. Childminders here all state 12 is their upper limit. Apart from the leisure centre, all holiday activities that I've come across are only for 2-3 hours which wouldn't work for me.
I suppose finding a teenage babysitter might be an option but it would be expensive paying NMW and I wouldn't be able to claim any of that back via UC as I can now.

I hadn't thought about Occupational Therapy so I'll look into that. Thanks to @LimeSqueezer for the suggestion. Dd does have some friends at school and does a couple of extracurricular activities but only sees one friend outside school. My suggestions of asking someone if they want to go to the cinema/park etc are always met with a firm no. I think a lot of this is anxiety based and fear of rejection.

Right to Chose is only available in England.

It would be expensive, but if a proportion of the costs will be covered by UC, have you thought about a nanny or SEN nanny? It may be financially viable for 1 or 2 days a week. If they are registered, the childcare element of UC is still possible.

Have you spoken to the childminders? Some don’t advertise it but will take older DC if approached.

Have a look at your councils local offer for SEN.
You may find they have a holiday and food (HAF) activity programme for children with SEN which will go up to 16. Equally looking to the shortbreak service which may list clubs and activities in school holidays.
SEN child minders also tend to go a bit older.
In addition to using annual leave you can take up to 4 weeks per year in unpaid leave per child up untill they are 18.
There are also residential holiday camps like PGL who take kids with SEND.
As an aside I think leaving a 12 year old at home for the day is not advisable even if she would stay home. Can you request flexible working or part time working or hybrid working and work from home

If OP isn’t in England, some of things mentioned won’t be relevant. For example, the HAF programme is only in England. Although depending on where she is, there may be something similar e.g in Wales, there is the School Holiday Enrichment Programme (SHEP). And local offers aren’t in all countries even within the UK - NI councils don’t have to have them.

Thanks to those posters who have offered suggestions.

I'll speak to our GP to request an OT referral. I'll also contact childminders to see if any will take over age 12.

I'm not planning to leave Dd at home when I'm at work. As stated in my first post, Dd won't be left at home alone for even 10 minutes. I'm trying to come up with strategies to help her develop a tolerance for being on her own at home and encourage her to develop a bit of independence. Dd does not have learning difficulties, she is academically able, but I do suspect some ND though to others I think she just appears to be shy.

I'll have a look at the SHEP programme, a quick Google didn't come up with much information apart from directing assistance to children getting free school meals (Dd isn't eligible for them).

I've got this summer sorted with a combination of changing my hours, annual leave and a holiday club. It's tricky to manage everything on my own as a lone parent with no family support. I hit a low point at the weekend when I couldn't even leave the house for a short walk and felt a bit panicked about the future.

With SHEP, I don’t think all areas have SEN as a criteria (just like in England not all areas have SEN as an eligibility criteria in its own right for HAF) and not all schools offer it.

Here are some quick strategies to help your daughter feel more comfortable being home alone:

1. *Gradual Exposure*: Start with very short departures and slowly increase the time.
2. *Create a Safe Space*: Provide comfort items and establish a routine.
3. *Communication*: Encourage her to express her feelings and reassure her that she'll be safe.
4. *Engaging Activities*: Give her fun things to do while you're gone.
5. *Involve Her in Planning*: Let her choose activities to help her feel more in control.

Be patient and celebrate small successes along the way!

https://campwilderness.co.uk/locations/ any use?