Nearly 6yr old adhd/asd but fine in school? Help

[1m2]

sorry for long post.
so I have a nearly 6 year old and he is under salt who put in a referral for adhd/asd to paediatrics (still on a waiting list), her reasoning was; attention, listening, emotional regulation, self direct, question around social and communication, no sense of danger and no stranger awareness he has been seeing her for the last 2 years. I have took him to the gp as he has a very limited diet he doesn’t like anything he eats 2 hot items of food which alternate he won’t try new food he will throw up or heave just by the smell or look of it and the gp believes he’s also got adhd/asd due to the way he acts in the room so he has also referred him.
I have also my suspicion of adhd/asd and possibly afrid.. But he’s behaviour is fine in school..
School have no concern apart from he’s speech, they have pulled me aside for little things like he has hurt someone because they wanted to be he’s friend and he didnt, or he likes to run, he’s very clumsy but most the time it is he’s a delight. As soon as I pick him up and we get home he is a complete different child he has a full on melt down which can last for hours. He never wants to go to school he pretends he is sick most mornings. He has hit me in he’s melt downs, he screams shout throws kicks ect. I have brought some emotional flash cards which are around the house and he has he’s own personal ones to show he’s feelings if he cannot talk them out. He’s eating has been terrible the last 4 years. He’s sleeping is also terrible he will go to sleep at 11/12 at night and be up at 4/5 with so much energy I don’t know how he does it. He has been saying he hates himself a lot recently which really upsets me. He lies a lot about little things things he doesn’t need to lie about. He is too friendly with strangers. He has no danger awareness he will walk into a road even though I’ve told him a number of times the danger of this. He doesn’t sit still for a long period of time, constantly lying in awkward positions, repeats himself constantly if I say i don’t know or wait a second he will go on and on and be constantly butts into conversations. Touching things he’s now allowed even when told multiple times it’s like he has too and he has no control. Fidgets a lot and pulls random faces. The list goes on and on and the gp, salt, he’s clubs teachers, friends, family and strangers have all seen the same behaviour as me and has spoke to me about it but school on the other hand have no concerns and sometimes I’m like is it because he is still in reception so most time it is free time and will it change when he moves up and is expected to do constant work and then other times I think am I the problem because that’s when he seems to act up..
im struggling at the moment because I just want the be the best mom and parent him the correct way but sometimes I’m just unsure how too because it seems like an endless battle. I have asked him a number of times is he okay after school when he’s had a meltdown and he always has the same answer which is he doesn’t like being like the other kids but he has too so he isn’t called naughty. It’s like he has a vision of the teachers being big scary monsters and he is scared of them..
I think I’m worried because I know the paediatrician will be sending questionnaire out soon and if it doesn’t match home life with school will they refuse to see him as I’ve waited over a year for this.
any advice?
can a child mask in school for so long?
is it normal behaviour?

thankyou to whoever takes there time to read and respond.

For the food issues, have you looked at ARFID?

It isn’t uncommon for DC to present differently in different settings. Appearing to be fine at school (I say appearing because there will be signs DS isn’t ’fine’) and exploding at home isn’t uncommon. It is called the coke bottle effect or after school restraint collapse. It signifies unmet needs at school. If school life was easier for DS, home life would improve too. It does not mean you are the problem - don’t let anyone make you think that.

With that in mind, what support is the school providing? What have they already tried?

The school avoidance in the morning is also showing you DS needs more support in school.

Yes, some DC can mask at school.

A good paed will understand all this.

You might find the books The Explosive Child and the Out of Sync Child helpful. Others find PDA strategies or non-violent resistance resources useful.

@perpetualplatespinning
thankyou for reply
i have looked at afrid and I would say he ticks most of it but again I have to wait for him to be seen the amount of times I have been to the doctor about the issue but they say the same thing just give him whatever he asks for cause he’s still eating something which is better than nothing else.
I have spoke to school many of times with all this but I’m made to feel like I’m making it up.. or they will be like oh that doesn’t sound like him ect even when I have showed proof of he’s meltdowns one reply was oh do you give him screen time if so you should limit it.. the salt has done an assessment in school and she said there was ovbs signs but it just seems like the school are missing it. The school senco observed him for 10 mins and her response was he made eye contact and answered he’s name (never said he didn’t do either) and he participated so she had no concerns. Then that was that, only support he has in school is 1to1 for salt targets and that is it.
I have looked at the coke bottle effect but I will have a look at those books and strategies you have recommended.

The GP’s advice around eating is the right way to go. You might want to look at some of the things Dr Gillian Harris and Dr Rachel Bryant-Waugh have written.

Request another meeting with the SENCO. Remind them they must make their best endeavours to meet DS’s SEN and they must make reasonable adjustments. Neither of these require a diagnosis.

You can request an EHCNA yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. You don’t need the school to agree.

Have you looked at PDA? https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/ It's great you are so attuned to his needs, because it means you can maybe try for an EHCP via school to get the support in place so he (and you) can avoid burnout. A really low-demand summer when school ends might make a lot of difference to his behaviour and help him. It's hard. My child has PDA, technically connected to autism but the autism is barely there, but the PDA is very strong. We've had to let them game all day, not be in school, have total rest for many months now, to recover from burnout, but it is working. Gaming is like a medicine for burn-out/PDA kids. It sounds like you're really connected to his needs. Low demand parenting helped us hugely in this situation, but it really took me some getting used to.

@greenhappy
I actually have never heard or looked at pda before, I will have a look at that now and do some research. Thankyou

I'm going back 10 yrs now but I (thought) I had a terrible time getting a diagnosis for my DS. He was displaying ASD behaviour from a young age but I just didn't recognise it myself at the time. School kept bringing up issues but then backing down with support and SALT, even though he went to their Pre-school and was 'displaying' ASD behaviour then.

I eventually went to my GP. It was like that scene from BlackAdder (where Rowen Atkinson shoves pencils up his nose). I poured my heart out while my DS sat their all angelic and then the Dr leaned towards him and asked him his name. DS got on all fours and barked! Instant referral to Child Psych. First session aged 5 he was diagnosed. So, in answer to your question, it helps if there's 'evidence' from school but not completely necessary. You can make the evidence 'fit' - showing school reports that highlight any behaviours.

I can hand on heart say that the earlier you get a diagnosis, the better the outcome. Understanding and learning coping mechanisms for yourself and child is so very important. I took all the support and training I could get, made myself into my DS's very own specialist. Now, as a teen, he is an incredibly well balanced boy, incredibly social, eloquent, intelligent. I was incredibly blunt with him, i.e. you have no friends because you don't share etc. You can't take the softly softly approach, you really need to nail it down. On the other side, I didn't care if he was eating under the dining table if when eating out it made him more comfortable. You chose your battles. Only those that know can recognise his ASD, strangers don't.
Sorry that was so long!