What is happening with my child!?

[teaandtoastxox]

My 11 year old son has combined ADHD. Was finally diagnosed back in 2023 and we are STILL waiting for an initial appointment following his diagnosis (they said it could take up to 18m but it’s been over two years now). I’ve made attempts to find out when the appt can be expected but am always met with the same generic email response that everyone is in the same boat and due to lack of resources there’s no way of knowing when he will be offered an appointment.

Anyway. I am struggling. The point of this post is because I am struggling. In fact, we all are. My entire household is struggling with my sons symptoms. He is destructive, rude, hostile, defensive, aggressive, manipulative and has the most dramatic mood swings I’ve ever known.

For example last night, after dinner he told me a joke yesterday evening, we laughed. He then took a packet of mini biscuits that I buy for his packed lunches, so I took them back and said not before bed, they’re for school, if you’re hungry you can help yourself to some fruit. He KICKED off. Shouting, throwing things, storming to the front door to leave. Then phoned his nan to tell her I was refusing him food and starving him!! He was rude, aggressive, cheeky and just downright horrible to be around. I left him to it in his bedroom and just heard screaming coming from his room and him shouting that he hates me. All of this over a tiny packet of biscuits!

Thats not even the half of it.
He seems to be a pathological liar. His teacher phoned me today to ask about his BROKEN FINGERS. He doesn’t have broken fingers. He told her he was at the hospital all night because someone had broken his fingers…
He lies about anything and everything, big or small, I can never know what the truth is.

He has also started stealing. He knows this is wrong!!
We follow all advice when possible on how to deal with these behaviours and consequential things etc. Nothing works.

He has not been brought up to be like this, we’ve done everything to teach him good manners, right and wrong and tried to show him healthy and to manage big emotions. He has always been quite challenging, but the last year or so he seems to just forget all we’ve taught him and has become unbearable to live with. It is heartbreaking.

Once calm, he will say sorry. But the behaviour will always repeat.

I am at the end of my rope. What on earth can I do!?!? This can’t be purely ADHD, I’m wondering if a child of this age can develop some sort of personality disorder or mental health condition, or can it just be pre-teen hormones!?!?!?
We really do try our best as parents, but we are out of ideas and resources.

Also I don’t know if it’s worth mentioning but he also has trouble keeping friends! He is always falling out with someone, I’ve witnessed him be really hostile towards other children and then he wonders why nobody likes him! I feel sorry for him but at the same time the way he speaks to people and behaves towards them physically is inexcusable! I try to explain how to make and keep friends but it doesn’t seem to register.

I feel like I have to have my eyes on him 24/7 to make sure he’s not getting up to no good or being horrible to someone. It’s draining.

Every so often he can be an absolute delight to be around. Funny, kind, caring, considerate!!
But most of the time, life is how I listed above in my initial post. Please help😔

Sounds like you are all struggling atm. Puberty will probably be adding to his difficulties too.

Have you spoken to the SENCO? Does he have or are they applying for an EHCP? If not you can apply for an EHCNA yourself.
Do they have a behaviour management plan in place and do you have a copy?

Waiting lists are long for follow up so I’d look for any support groups, online support groups etc. Linking up with parents who “ get it” and can share advice and strategies can help.
I’ve posted a link for advice and strategies including looking after yourself.

My advice would be use some “ planned ignoring” when you can and pick your battles.
Have some clear rules and boundaries and stick to these consistently. These are your non negotiables e.g. bed time, showering, screen time ( whatever works)
He’s wanting to have a little control in an unpredictable world. He’s impulsive , which he can’t help, sees the biscuits , wants them. He can’t think if I eat these now there will be none left for my lunch on Friday.
So this is a pick your battles moment. He gets the biscuits ( no meltdown or fall out) When they run out he gets fruit or an alternative in his lunch. Probably less likely to have a meltdown at school.
Something “ minor” like this might feel like the end of the world to him.

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/adhd/

I agree with a pp on pick your battles, you say yourself it's just a tiny packet of biscuits - so why take them away knowing it's going to be the end of the world to him? Instead tell him he can have the biscuits now but there won't be enough for the week if he does so he will have to have fruit instead in his lunchbox (if that is the case).

The whole not being able to get an appointment is shit OP, have you phoned and spoken to someone? You might get a more helpful response that way. Alternatively could you look at getting medication privately? I don't know anything about that route but NHS waiting times are clearly ridiculous and this is impacting your son's and your lives in a huge way.

For now just keep doing your best and keep telling yourselves it's not his fault. He is not getting the help and support he needs and he is going to be difficult because he is really struggling. I really hope he gets the help he needs soon.

Thank you both for your understanding and advice. I will look at that website mentioned above and try some of these strategies.
He was declined an EHCP as apparently the school has enough in place for him, but even the SENCO at the school disagreed with that, we could appeal but it has to be done formally apparently and can take ages. He starts high school in September, their SENCO department and pastoral service seem to be really beneficial from what I’ve heard and read, so hopefully he will feel better there. His current school focus on punishment rather than prevention, which is unhelpful really.

And you’re both right, I should pick my battles, thank you for reminding me of this.
Even writing my long post helped me feel a bit better really, getting it all on paper and off my chest a bit! Thank you for reading my post

@teaandtoastxox Easy to give advice from the outside when you aren’t living it right now.
Hope he gets enhanced transition. A one page profile would be good for the SENCO in his new school to share information. You should find a proforma on line.
Have you met with the new SENCO? Not trying to give you more to do but enhanced transition should help with a smooth transition.
Be kind to yourself.
If you need help applying for the EHCP again or appealing you could ask for help on SEN board. May find one is needed in secondary depending on support available.

When was the EHCP refusal? Was it a refusal to assess or refusal to issue? Do you still have the right of appeal? Appealing is a formal process and takes time, but you should do it. If DS is at risk of exclusion, you can request an expedited hearing.

If you haven’t already met with the secondary SENCO and/or DS isn’t having an enhanced transition, speak to the secondary about that.

Could DS have a snack box. Then once it has gone it has gone but he can decide what to eat/when. If he ate the biscuits last night then he just wouldn’t have enough for every school lunch.

What you describe can be ADHD. Although there may be hidden needs, which is why an EHCNA is required. Personality disorders aren’t diagnosed in children.

Some people find the book The Explosive Child useful. Others find
PDA strategies helpful (even if DC don’t have PDA) or non-violent resistance resources helpful.

@24Dogcuddler hi, yes he has two enhances transition days, the first is tomorrow actually. I hope it’ll help! I also have a one to one meeting with the SENCO at the high school next week as well, so I can pass on my own thoughts and concerns etc, they’ve also been liaising with the SENCO at his primary school, but I think hearing from me might make things more clearer in some regard.
I didn’t know o could reapply for the EHCP, I’ll look into this, thank you

@perpetualplatespinning hi, thank you for your message. The EHCP, the assessment was refused. We filled in all of the necessary forms, as did the school, but the local authority refused. I think my area also has really poor funding for SEN so that might be a reason too unfortunately. I will look into appealing or reapplying.

He has his first (of two) enhanced transition day tomorrow and I have a one to one meeting with the high school SENCO lead next week, which will be good. I was really pleased they offered that!

A snack box is an interesting idea, but I can sadly guarantee it would cause an angry outburst when he realises it’s all gone😅

I will have a look at the explosive child book, that sounds like it might be useful!
Thank you for the advice. It’s very lonely dealing with this kind of thing, so it’s nice to have people understand when you’re struggling.

When was the refusal to assess? If you still have the right of appeal, I would appeal.