Thread for moral support, please

[FromTheFirstOldFashionedWeWereCursed]

We are having a rotten time with phase transfer. Our lovely DS is in Year 6 with no Year 7 place. We successfully got the LA to agree to a specialist school for his EHCP back in March, but we can't seem to get an offer despite our endless efforts and him being a fairly 'easy' type of autistic child from our pov and that of his mainstream state primary.

He is autistic - academically able, friendly, anxious - and has recently been diagnosed with some additional auditory processing issues. He did really well (achieving "beyond ARE"/greater depth) at his supportive mainstream primary until Year 6 when the SATs prep set off horrible anxiety, but we and his school played it very carefully so he didn't slip over into EBSA and made it through to SATs, with some additional time and the headteacher offering chocolate digestives as needed.

He is a natural rule-follower and co-operative, and when he can't cope he moves into shutdown/freeze, which is awful for him and breaks our hearts but not disruptive or scary to other children. He is very loved at his current small school, is cherished by the staff (the SENCO and his old Reception teacher in particular) and they describe his behaviour as "impeccable" - he's never been aggressive or confrontational in his life.

Until the anxiety really grew, he had a wonderful five-year friendship with a particular classmate, and there's still a group of 6 kids in his class who involve him in all of their games. I might make him sound like Walter the Softy when I describe him, but he's actually just a very sweet-natured, emotionally-young-for-his-age boy with an age-appropriate penchant for Bunny vs Monkey and jokes about farting.

In the past year, we've spent quite a lot of money on private appointments with a paediatric psychiatrist, and he's now on medication which is helping to settle the anxiety. We have also got a private SALT report as the LA's was very thin (didn't really engage with his auditory processing at all, even when the LA EP asked them to look at it, as I had been doing since he was first on their books aged 3) which has given us all sorts of insights and made me think that SLCN is probably his primary SEN presentation, rather than the autism itself.

We have tried any number of mainsteam and specialist secondaries, both state and independent. We are in SW London, so the choice seemed reasonably good, but we are finding he is too academic for the specialist schools, too fragile for the mainstream, too easily intimidated in some autism classes if the other kids have "big behaviours", etc. He isn't the right fit for SEMH - his anxiety is fading fairly fast with the meds, post-SATs, and (as the SEMH schools have told us) he's too vulnerable to be a good fit with the children in those settings.

DH and I have now toured and met with 19 different schools, looking up to 75 mins from home. We obviously couldn't expose him to as many as we've had to check out, so we've been shortlisting the ones which might work, and then DS has done a few short trials. Two were at autism schools (which went badly because he was so perturbed by the other kids' behaviour that he wept and had to be brought away), and one at a tiny mainstream which gave him a timed computerised test which made him panic.

Last week he did a much longer one at an amazing independent SLCN school. The SLCN school really liked him but found their group work teaching model was overwhelming him, probably because of all of the baggage he now has combined with the auditory processing stuff. They liked him enough to invite us to get back in touch when the anxiety meds have really kicked in, and potentially he might do a longer trial with them post-Sept, but it's clear that they don't think it's a dead cert given their teaching approach, and I trust their judgment - they've been collaborative, thoughtful and kind in our dealings with them.

None of this has been helped by having 4 EHCP co-ordinators at the LA since March but the current co-ordinator is new and keen and seems responsive. We are throwing the net ever-wider but you can imagine how I'm panicking. We're six weeks from the end of term and have no idea how this story ends. He will not cope with home tuition as he has always separated home and school very carefully, and I'm worried he'll lose his hard-won social skills. DH is also pretty glum, having been made redundant from a rare school-hours job earlier this year - he was hoping to go back to work properly in September and certainly has no desire to homeschool a child who's realistically more academically able than DH was at the same stage.

I can't believe I have this kind little boy who loves learning, works as hard as he can and never causes trouble, and yet I can't find a school for him. It's so stressful that I'm now totally run-down - sleeping poorly, endless coldsores etc - and DH is grinding his teeth in his sleep. DS's teachers are hugging me every time they see me and I feel like I'm going to need diazepam to get through the leavers' assembly at school.

I really need a hand-hold, please.

I’m offering a hand hold 🖐

I can see us being in your shoes in a few years but with much fewer options of schools nearby. I hope a reasonable solution presents itself soon for you. In the meantime, how do you normally get on top of your stress? Most of this problem is outside your sphere of control, but you can control your self care.

Has the LA finalised the phase transfer EHCP? They should have done. Have they only named a type of placement but no specific placement? Did you submit an appeal?

You only need an offer of a place for a wholly independent school. Any other type (e.g. section 41 independent, non-maintained special school, academy, maintained, free) can, and must unless one of the legal exceptions applies, be named even if they object. So if you find a non-wholly independent placement you think is suitable, you don’t need the school to agree to being named.

It depends on what you mean by academically able, but have you considered Odyssey House? More House may admit even if DS doesn’t have dyslexia, DCD, etc. If it is within travelling distance, Orange Tree might be worth a look. Officially, it is a mainstream. In practice, it is a SEMH school but not your traditional SEMH school (it doesn’t have the same level of DC with VCB most SEMH schools have) and if DS’s anxiety is high, it may work. Was Centre Academy one of the schools you discounted? If not, you could try that. Although it may have the same problems as the schools you have already discounted because some find it too much. Was Canbury the tiny mainstream? If not, worth looking at. Technically a mainstream but not a typical mainstream. Although I suspect it won’t be able to provide the therapeutic provision DS requires. You may have already discounted them, if that is the case obviously ignore.

EOTAS/EOTIS doesn’t have to be home tuition. It can still have the home and education distinction if that is what DS needs/you want. In fact, case law shows you can’t be forced to accept provision at home. Neither can you be forced to be involved with organising, facilitating or delivering the provision.

I thought you got to pick your school if the child has an EHCP?
Some schools have ERP (enhanced resource provision) for students with autism. My state school has this and 19 students are accepted into the unit. They have some lessons there, if needed, and join mainstream lessons as often as possible. The teaching assistants can take the students out of the classroom and to this base to work or regulate. Our autistic students can leave lessons 5 min early, so they’re not in the hustle and bustle of the corridor. They are placed in ‘nice’ classes with calmer students and given an understanding form tutor. They are given lots of flexibility as per their individual needs. They might wear ear defenders or loops.
Unless you’re thinking of moving, I’d look at schools within 30 min of home. Travel to and from school, on top of a day at school, takes its toll -I don’t live in London though.
Schools have to allow for in-term movement so they’ll have space for him. With a diagnosis, it’s a disability, so you have the Equalities Act to support you getting the school you want.
Teachers can adapt the work for his ability.
It’s taken my child 2.5 terms to settle after leaving primary. (Their SEN needs have come to light more significantly after leaving the supportive primary school.) Will you find the best fit in one visit? I think you need multiple visits to a short list of schools with him and some deeper conversations with staff about how he can be supported. Ask on local FB groups for feedback on schools from parents of SEN children.

I thought you got to pick your school if the child has an EHCP?

Not quite. Parents have the right to request a non-wholly independent school, and the LA must name the parent’s preferred school unless the LA can prove:
-The setting is unsuitable for the age, ability, aptitude or special educational needs (“SEN”) of the child or young person; or
-The attendance of the child or young person would be incompatible with the provision of efficient education for others; or
-The attendance of the child or young person would be incompatible with the efficient use of resources.
The bar to do that is high. However, the above doesn’t mean there will always be a school parents think can meet needs. And it doesn’t stop LAs refusing and forcing parents to appeal.

The rules for wholly independent schools are different. While parents have the right to ask for wholly independent schools, you need an offer of a place and to prove the LA’s proposed school(s) can’t meet needs &/or it isn’t unreasonable public expenditure. Many have to appeal.

ERPs, or similar by another name, are unlikely to work for OP’s DS given the needs she describes.

I met with the head of the local ERP very early in the process, and he was really clear that kids like DS don't do well because the mainstream bit remains overwhelming and transitioning back and forth is a nightmare for them. He wrote me a good note to quote to the LA and they haven't pushed back on it.

Actually, I won't quote earlier messages as it'll all be unwieldy.

@StrivingForSleep, I'm a bit blown away by your first post on the thread as we've been to all of the schools you name, bar one (Orange Tree). We are still talking to Odyssey and MH, both of which are 1hr+ from us, but we could see them working. Canbury is much closer and we talked to them for a long time before they decided they couldn't meet need - I think would have worked for the child he was pre-SATs, but his needs are greater now.

The LA has named type of placement (specialist maintained, "suitable for a child with autism" or SEMH) and we have appealed it. Solicitor says we're unlikely to get a tribunal date before late Sept.

I thought as much about ERP. They can work well for some. For the presentation you describe, they can be traumatic and compound their difficulties.

If Orange Tree is within travelling distance, it is worth contacting them; I think.

At secondary, the maximum recommended travel time is 1hr15, although many travel further, so if you think DS would cope and you can convince OH or MH to offer a place, it would be doable to secure either from a travel perspective. Obviously I don't know DS, but based on what you have written I think these two (and maybe OT depending on the level of anxiety DS has and how he is around others displaying anxious behaviour) are your best options.

From your OP, I presume boarding wouldn’t work at the moment?

If your appeal hasn’t already been registered, realistically you won’t get a hearing date in September now.

Has the LA informed you how they intend to ensure DS receives a suitable full-time education and anything detailed, specified and quantified in F come September? If not, ask.

Another suggestion, how would DS feel about another year in Y6? Would that be manageable from an academic PoV or not? Being educated outside of DS’s chronological year group can be included in F of the EHCP. It would allow time for DS to mature emotionally and give you chance to get on top of the anxiety. That may open up further options for starting Y7 in Sept 2026. If the alternative is the LA funding SS, they may agree. If not, it could be part of an appeal - there’s no guarantee SENDIST would agree with DS being above ARE academically but they do sometimes.

We are pretty sure he would loathe the idea of repeating Year 6, but he trusts us and is inclined to do as he’s asked - we could only attempt it somewhere that doesn’t do SATs though, as it’s the SATs which have caused the problem. More House proposed it but I haven’t got to the bottom of the SATs question and we don’t yet have any indication from the LA as to whether they’d permit a deceleration.

As for boarding, I don’t imagine that would ever be right for DS. He needs a great deal of time to himself to recuperate from school and once got homesick when we went to Sainsbury’s. He is quite young emotionally and me and DH are his safe place. I’ll be in a hotel a mile from his school “residential” later this month so he can come back to the hotel, be with me overnight and go quietly back to the rest of the class at breakfast. He did the residential last year in Year 5, and didn’t know I was a mile away in case of a shutdown. He got through it seemingly unscathed, then had bad dreams for weeks and later described it calmly as having been “emotional hell”.

“Has the LA informed you how they intend to ensure DS receives a suitable full-time education and anything detailed, specified and quantified in F come September? If not, ask.”

The rapid turnover means there’s been nothing more than very short emails confirming which schools have been leaving/joining the consultation. I’ve asked for meetings or video calls to review the full picture but without success. We certainly haven’t had that sort of discussion yet.

IIRC, More House doesn’t do SATs. They do their own assessments.

You should ask the LA how they intend to provide a suitable full-time education and anything detailed, specified and quantified in F come September by email. That way you have a paper trail. I would ask this now. Not least because if they plan to offer a completely unsuitable placement, you have time to visit before the end of term if you haven’t already and ensure your case supports it not being appropriate.

Thank you, @StrivingForSleep, I've asked that question of the LA by email to begin the paper trail.

If we were to request a particular free school, could the LA name it even if the school objected? It feels very weird to insist on a school taking my vulnerable child against the HT's wishes...

Free schools can be named even if they object when consulted. You don’t need an offer of a place. You only need an offer if the school is wholly independent.

Don’t let a school objecting put you off if it is your preference. On the whole, objections are far more nuanced than them just not wanting the child. It is often political &/or about funding.

Having said that, from your posts, I am not sure any of the free schools in the area will be the right fit.

I’m afraid I’m not at all local to you but my child is at an ERP provision specifically for ASD-driven anxiety. It’s based within a mainstream school but has a small number of children in it (8 or 10 I think) with a lot of TA support. The children are taught English and Maths in the unit and are able to join any mainstream classes they like (accompanied by a familiar TA), or complete work from the mainstream lessons in the unit, and they also do life skills/business etc. The model is to eventually transition those who are able into mainstream GCSE work but there are children in there who will stay in the unit throughout. It means flexibility as they grow and mature and would suit your son if he’s likely to mature and/or experience less anxiety through medication.

I wonder if any schools within reach of you have anything similar that you haven’t been told about? Ours is only in its second year and in the first year only two children attended as so few parents knew it existed and the LA didn’t add to the Local Offer page until after the admissions deadline had passed.

It’s achieving remarkable things with the cohort. My child’s best friend was electively mute and largely absent from her primary in year 6 and now attends daily and chats to everyone while she’s there.

Thank you all so much for being helpful when I started this thread a few weeks ago.

The situation has improved a little - we still have no confirmed Y7 school place for DS (with a fortnight of Y6 left, it blows my mind) but two schools have offered an assessment this week and an offer from either would please us. Both already know quite a lot about him and have met him on a tour and observed him at his primary so we’re quietly hopeful.

The LA has also swung into action after quite a lot of admin errors have caused missed opportunities - we have had a very warm and positive meeting with the person responsible for out of panel decisions who has agreed that we don’t need to wait for a panel date if either of these schools makes an offer.

We are trying to stay positive and focus on DS enjoying his last few weeks of Y6. He’s got a big part in the end of term play which he is thrilled by, so that’s his primary focus at the moment - so different to the anxious little boy pre-SATs.

Both of the potential schools are a reasonable distance (60–90 mins at rush hour) from home, so I’m about to start a new thread about school transport. All advice welcome.

Good luck with the school assessment days and Y6 play.

School transport is possible. Apply as soon as you have the finalised EHCP because LAs move at a snail's pace arranging transport. Look out for wording in section I stating they have named it as parental preference therefore you are responsible for transport. If they include something along those lines, you should continue with your appeal rather than let the LA concede.

We've found our short breaks service really helpful whilst waiting for EHC to be sorted. School transport has been a nightmare though good luck with it. Also been using enablesend.co.uk as has some amazing resources and support tools

Our experience with Odyssey hpuse was horrific please do your research and be very careful. Our LA wont place there due to safeguarding investigation with the LADO but guessing further away LAs aren't aware of the damage being done

Thank you, PinkNewt - we ended up choosing the other school (not Odyssey) but I'm so grateful for the warning. Similarly, our LA won't place with Centre Academy.

Just for anyone else reading, it isn’t lawful for LAs to have a blanket policy of refusing to name certain schools. Also, LAs often tell parents they don’t name certain schools when it isn’t true and they do or have previously named the schools - they do it because it saves money. Different schools suit different DC/families. Just because one DC doesn’t get on somewhere/one family doesn’t like a school doesn’t mean that applies to all and LAs cannot have blanket policies.

Our experience with Odyssey house was horrific

Support, for what it is worth, is right here, @FromTheFirstOldFashionedWeWereCursed .
Our situation is quite similar - one child who seems to be too mainstream for specialist schools, and needs more support than mainstream schools can deliver. I'm currently touring and considering [checks spreadsheet] 16 different schools. It's exhausting. We are in NW London, so have different schools in mind. Good luck?

Thank you so much. I hope it gives you some light at the end of your tunnel to tell you that we are in a very different place to last summer.

DS is now happily at a tiny autism-specialist school which is around 75 minutes from home. We didn’t have too much trouble getting school transport sorted out, and it has been a remarkably smooth transition for him. He goes off to school happily and is learning really well. We can hardly believe our luck.

Although last year was as stressful a situation as I’ve ever been in, the outcome has made the fight worthwhile. I hope that’s the case for you too.

I’d be happy to answer questions from you or other people on this thread by DM. If we can pay forward some of the support and wisdom we got last year, especially from @StrivingForSleep , I feel like that would be the right thing to do.

It is always wonderful to hear things are going well. Long may it continue!