Can a PDA presentation suddenly emerge at 7?

[Sprookjesbos]

My son is on the waiting list for assessment for ADHD and ASD. He's 7, coming to the end of year 2.
He has always been challenging and exactly this time last year we finally accepted that he wasn't 'just' challenging after escalating meltdowns for years. Last may half term he attacked me in the street, not like a toddler tantrum but taking run-ups and physically barging/ ramming me while screaming and hyperventilating, then he ran into traffic. We were both thankfully ok.

He's very bright and, when regulated, utterly delightful. He's sparky and engaging. I was fobbed off for the whole of reception and year 1. He was often in trouble at school but I was told he was a bit disruptive but there were no concerns of sen. Meanwhile at home we were struggling. I regularly turned up to drop off in tears because of the mornings we had, due to his hatred of school.

This school year he refused to go back and after several days of late starts due to meltdowns at the school gate, his teacher put him on the send register in week 1. He apparently cannot sit still for more than 5 minutes, constantly gets up and wanders about whether she's teaching or he's meant to be working. I've had regular meetings and they supported referral. We have gone right to choose but I've heard nothing in 6 months.

Anyway that's the gist of our story but I feel at home we've reached crisis point. Interestingly he seems to have lost his shit at the same point of the year, may half term.

New behaviour is complete refusal to follow instructions - usual for him to just glaze over and not process them. So he usually needs an instruction 5/6 times. Now he is just randomly refusing them. Or, giving me a demand that he clearly unreasonable then pushing back against my no.

Example tonight - putting him to bed, which takes ages. He asked if I would scratch his back, which I did. After I stopped, he asked me to carry on. I said I would for 10, then counted down. When I got to zero, he said carry on until I fall asleep. I said no, I'm going to put your sister to bed now. He quite calmly said 'well I'm not going to bed then', then got up with his arms folded and just refused to get back in bed. Followed me to his sister's room where he stood on his bed saying he would not leave until I scratched his back. I got cross, told him to get back to his bedroom now and I would be in to check in 5 minutes. Refusal. I said to go himself or id help. Refusal. I picked him up and moved him to the hall, then closed his sister's door. I know this isn't good handling of the situation but I held the door closed with him then kicking the door and screaming. I was exhausted by this point - he hasnt even got dressed today, he's still in his pajamas from the night before.
My husband then heard this from downstairs and yelled at him to get to bed with a countdown and he ran in and sobbed. He has sobbed himself to sleep.

I am trying to follow the advice I've been given . I'm calm, most of the time. I acknowledge his feelings. I try to connect, not correct. Yet he treats me like crap.

My marriage is hanging by a thread. I'm not actually sure we will last the year. I just can't stop crying this evening.

I've read about PDA before and thought it sounds absolutely horrendous and now I'm really worried we're heading that way. But then I wonder, am I just a really shit mum and I've made him this way.

PDA can come to the fore as DC get older and the demands increase. However, there are other possibilities. For example, anxiety can sometimes result in difficulties with demand avoidance without it being PDA. Another example are unmet sensory needs. This can result in complete dysregulation and a focus only on the sensory needs. Another example with things like following instructions is processing difficulties or difficulties with transition.

Has an EHCNA been requested? What support is the school providing?

Some people find the books the Out of Sync Child and the Explosive Child helpful. Others find non-violent resistance courses useful.

Thanks so much for your reply.

No, ECHNA has not been requested. Is that the same as EHCP? To be honest, a big part of the problem is that he 'copes' in school. In school:

• he is working at greater depth in all areas except writing, where he is meeting expectations but finds it really hard to sustain focus enough to write longer paragraphs. His writing isn't enough of an issue to be a problem in an apparently high needs/ low ability class. He is one of the most academically able in the class.
• he has friends. It took him until this school year to make friends, but he has friends now. Other children appear to like him.
• He does not have explosive emotions in school, which still absolutely stuns me.

Because of all this, it has been incredibly difficult to get across to school how much he struggles with life. One thing this year's teacher has done, is she has noticed a lot of anxiety-based behaviour, which we don't see as much of at home. For example, pacing, fidgeting, obsessively tidying his areas and claiming ownership of certain drawers (eg declaring himself monitor of the whiteboard and pen drawer and getting extremely frustrated when other children touch it and mess up the way he has organised it) This was really interesting as he is not tidy at home! His teacher thinks he masks in school and this is how he copes.

Support in place has been ELSA, of which he had 4 sessions then they said it was someone else's turn and sensory circuits once a week (I don't understand the point of only once a week but he loves it and it gets him in on the day he does it!)
Other than that, the class teacher sits with him during English to keep him on task and continually monitors his fidgeting and finds tasks for him to do so he can get up eg. "DS can you just go and fetch me my water bottle please" or getting him to hand out the books. She's absolutely amazing, can't fault her as she's the first person outside the home that I feel truly believes me, and DS loves her.

Thanks for the book recommendations too.

Request an EHCNA yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

You may have to appeal but you can get EHCPs for academically able DC who mask.

DS masking in school and exploding at home is known as the coke bottle effect. It signifies there are unmet needs at school. And from your posts, that is clear.

Request a meeting with the SENCO. The school needs to provide more support. DS needs proper movement breaks during the day, and he needs far more sensory input.

So I don't think my DS has PDA but he certainly finds it harder to cope with demands when anxiety is high or when he's struggling with sensory issues. My DH is also autistic and he'll sometimes act like I've asked him to redecorate an entire room when I eg gently remind him it's bin day and it's been a difficult day for him.

It's great that you've noticed it's the same point every year this escalation happens. It might be that he needs that long summer break to reset and recharge, it might be that summer term has too many extras and too little routine, it might be something sensory around the weather (brighter light) and summer clothes.

I think you have enough to request an EHCNA. Appeal if it's refused.

Could you do a sensory circuit at home before school if that helps? I appreciate the risk is that it becomes another demand or disrupts an existing routine.

Thank you all for the advice, links etc. I will request another meeting with senco to discuss EHCNA.

I think adding sensory input in before school is a good call. The thing is, I work in a school and provide send support to children all day and I should know what I'm doing. It's like I have a blind spot when it comes to my own child. But also, I think I'm at mental/ emotional capacity for what I can cope with. I had a career plan building on what I'm doing now and have further study lined up for later this year and I'm now burned out and strongly considering scrapping all my plans and going back to doing admin work so that I'm not working with children during the day and then coming home without any patience and calm left in me.

I'm naturally quite a calm, gentle person and I believe my son is too strong for me, physically and mentally. The thing that is upsetting me most is we are very emotionally close and seeks close physical contact with me, sometimes to the point he hurts me squeezing too hard etc. he hurts me most days with either aggression or general lack of boundaries causing accidents.

My DH has basically snapped with me. He and DS get on but are not emotionally close. DS does what he says, rarely hurts him. He will yell and DS will fall in line. DH is starting to question my entire approach. He is often away with work or works weekends, I'm with the kids all the time. But DS takes everything out on me. I know people say it's because I'm his "safe space" but what if he just has no respect for me. This is what DH thinks and his parents agree and comment that DS "runs rings round me" because there are "no consequences".

Sorry for unloading all this, wasn't really necessary to the thread, I'm just venting to those who might understand!

A lot of what you post about could stem from sensory needs. For the hurting you by squeezing you, you could try to redirect that by trying a weighted vest/blanket, a bodysok, cuddle ball, steamroller, lots of ‘heavy’ lifting activities, rolling.

Thank you @perpetualplatespinning I think you are probably right and it sounds like you are very knowledgeable. Can I ask what your thoughts are on why it is all focussed on me and why he is better when with other people?

Because, as you have heard previously, you are the one who is safe. You are the one who is understanding of DS’s needs. You are the one who is there picking up the pieces. You aren’t yelling - it doesn’t really work even if it appears DS falls in line. Please do it think it is because DS doesn’t respect you.

Please don’t think! Oh my, I am so sorry. That is an unfortunate typo.

It's hard to say from the outside why your ds is responding more obediently to your dh. My own dc responds better to my dh and I was quite baffled by this as dh is much more emotionally distant and strict and can get quite loud/a bit scary. But both of my dcs say my husband feels less triggering than me because he is emotionally detached while I get stressed/anxious in response to their behaviour and this in turn totally overwhelms my dcs. I can see that, as I work with adults with dementia and learning disabilities, incl ASD, all day long and at work I'm totally detached. Somehow their behaviour doesn't affect me - and so I always manage to calm them down if they have an aggressive meltdown towards another resident or carer, and I always manage that they obey my instructions, which is important as I take them out into traffic etc by myself. It's just that my own kids somehow manage to stirr me and get more of an emotional reaction. I'm working hard on remaining calm and emotionally detached at home, but it's not as easy if it's your own kids. My dh is also autistic himself, so detachment and need for 'emotional space' comes naturally to him and they all seem to understand each other more intuitively. I'm often a bit jealous but I'm glad he is there to deal with them, as I just wouldn't manage on my own. I asked him to shout less as I find it upsetting, though, and luckily he's trying hard. When things are escalating now, I now just step aside and simply say: 'Go, speak to your Father", or I go to my dh and ask him to come and sort it, and go for a hot bath to relax.