Telling our 11 year old he has a diagnosis of ASC

[Letsnotupsettheapplcart]

Our now 11 year old was given a diagnosis of ASC when he was 5. He doesn’t know this. We are now at the point of transitioning to high school and we feel he should know.

He generally manages well but is starting to get anxious about high school. He has an extra transition morning this week.

Does anyone have any tips and suggestions on how we should go about talking to him about this? We want to make sure he hears it from us and not a teacher when he moves school.

Ignore I thought you wrote ASD

Did he receive any extra support following diagnosis?

Hasn’t he ever spoken to you about how things are different for him or when he’s been struggling with a particular facet of mainstream life, have you not explained…. Why

I think you need to explain before the extra transition visits. Although DS probably already knows/feels he is different in some way. I would explain why DS finds some things more difficult and why he sometimes needs more support. If DS finds anything particularly easy related to his ASD, you could also link that in.

No. He’s happy and manages well at school. Of course, if he had we would have done. I guess this is why we have got to Year 6 and not felt we have needed to have the conversation before now.

ASC = ASD. Some call it a condition and some a disorder, but we're talking about ghe same thing.

Why haven't you shared before now? How much does DS know about autism? Does he have any autistic role models?

I'd suggest first bringing up autism in conversation, perhaps talking about someone with autism - making sure to make it out as not a terrible thing! A difference that comes with some difficulties, but where people can still be successful and happy. Chris Packham is a good one. Maybe you have someone else in your family, or a classmate or a positive celebrity who your DS would think well of? Or even a novel? Ideally, in educating DS about autism, he would naturally say, "hey, that sounds like me!" And then you could tell him. I'd suggest you bring up some issues about why people do / don't share this info before you actually tell him of his own diagnosis, or you may find him upset that you've hid this information and insight into himself for more than half his life.

Yes, he should know. And, as PP said, I'd think carefully about how you will explain to him why you didn't tell him before now; you really don't want to make this seem like a dreadful secret he needs to keep, or something he should be ashamed of. It's a fact about him like any other, and if people make judgments or presumptions, that comes from their ignorance.

I'd start by finding out how much he knows about autism, and if he knows anyone who is autistic. Presumably there are also some things that are different for him or he has extra support with - even if they are just things you do to accommodate his needs? (e.g tell him the plan for the day, avoid busy places, give him decompression time after school) You might ask him if he's notice that you do this, and thought about why this is.

I've also been recommended the book Wonderfully Wired Brains which presents a neutral understanding of neurodivergence.

Please, please tell him before someone else does. I found out when another child at school teased me about it (it was a different time and teacher had told the rest of the class before I started without checking I knew), and have never quite shaken the feeling that it was something shameful to be hidden. Tbf in the 90s it probably was.
My daughter was a lot younger (7) when I told her and already very aware of her struggles, so it was a kind of natural progression, especially as it was was shortly after her diagnosis so she knew she'd been seeing doctors for something. We started with a general chat about different brain types, moved into autism (turned out they'd already covered this in school for autism acceptance week and I think she would've joined the dots then if she'd been any older, so you may well find your son already thought "that sounds like me" when they did those assemblies). We talked a bit about celebrities with autism, although she was too young to know most of them, but stayed away from any "autism is a superpower" talk, as I remember people trying to be encouraging and telling me I could be the next Bill Gates just added more pressure that I had to do something amazing. She then read the book "All cats are on the autism spectrum", which is a nice simple introduction, though may be a bit too simple for a 10 year old. She also really enjoyed watching A Kind of Spark.

@Justploddingonandon I very much agree with avoiding the "autism is a superpower" talk!!

Thinking about it more, I'm also surprised that a kid with enough signs of ASD to be diagnosed at 5 then had no more difficulties at all through all of primary school. How did you feel about the diagnosis at the time @Letsnotupsettheapplcart ? And how do you feel about it now?