Pleeeeeese tell me it gets better

[Westnortheast]

DS is Sen adhd/asd mainstream (but not fully attending).
please tell me some positive stories of a turn around at some point for early teens who are absolutely awful and nasty and make family life unbearable, To the point of considering splitting so that everyone has break.
Younger sibling frightened in own home (not physical violence but verbal and personal space bullying) . We can’t leave younger Dc (12 ) in house with him, not even for 5 minutes so , have to have make sure a parent is home home immediately before and after school, can’t expect anyone to babysit etc. is it possible that SEN child will mature and life will be any less awful. Sadly super bright child whom social care system doesn’t consider enough of a problem to actually help us as a family.
if you have been through this and came out the otherside, what would you do differently?
I honestly feel that taking him away from family home (possibly renting a 2 bed) and taking it in turns to be with with him is the only option for all of our sanities. We are already accessing all help available( mainly self funded as NHS have long waiting lists). Cannot believe how hellish life has slowly crawled into with no stop button.
any ideas on best way forward? Life is 99% unacceptable 100% of the time. So sad , he was my beautiful boy, smart annd interesting no and now is just something else that nobody can realistically stay sane around.

Should say DC is 13

Teenage boys are sometimes horrible for about 4 years and then they do usually get better (I read this on mumsnet and found it reassuring and it did hold for us). Puberty is horrendous. Also it's really hard for lots of parents not just you.

Does he have a special interest you approve of and keeps him busy. Throw money at that?

He could well also be being bullied at school. A school change and a new start might help.

Is DS on medication? If so, when was it last reviewed?

Do DSs have their own bedroom?

If DS can’t attend school full time, is alternative provision in place? What support is the school providing?

Does DS have an EHCP? If so, have you requested an early review? What support, including therapies, is currently in it?

Has DS had an OT assessment? Including a home OT assessment and a sensory OT assessment.

When you say social care won’t help, have you formally requested assessments (a carer’s assessment for you and an assessment of DS’s needs) then challenged the decision if they refuse assessments or assess but refuse support? If not, do that. Also look at the local short breaks offer.

Some people find the books The Explosive Child and the Out of Sync Child helpful. Others find PDA strategies or non-violent resistance resources useful.

For DC2, some people find the local young carers service helpful. Worth looking at Sibs too.

I totally agree with the need for splitting. Do you have enough space at home to keep everyone apart? If not, could you move? We moved from a nice place in the home counties to a delepidated very large house in a run down area in the sticks for more personal space and it helped a lot. What brought our life back to peace (3 persons with ASD, 2 persons with AuDHD, 1 of them also severe OCD) was: seperate rooms, seperate meals, everyone easts what they want in their room. No pressure ever to do anything together, including Christmas and Birthdays. Keeping siblings strictly apart, taking them on different outings and holidays. Have you applied for DLA to help with additional expenses? We took all children out of school as it badly affect their behaviour at home. I must add my dh also has ASD with PDA profile, so any expectations on him to do something with someone must be carefully managed, very few, and must never be 'pushed' for. Life is still incredibly hard. Worst thing is if dc is very bright and not violent/disruptive in school as there is nothing LA/school will/can do for them. Have you tried therapy? Young minds and other charities offer CBT and talking therapies if NHS waiting list is too long. Medication is also essential in my book, for ADHD but also SSRIs for ASD if it goes along with anxiety. I can't see life ever being 'nice' and 'normal', but by giving up on the idea of doing stuff and living together as a family, in my experience it can get at least much more peaceful and good enough to survive and find peace/time for a nice occasional individual walk/bath/Netflix binge.

Thank you for the really helpful replies , I have tried some of the suggestions but there are things that I haven’t so will formulate a list.
I have been thinking about homeschooling but not sure how we would manage financially.
The advice to stop trying to do things together is a good one. My DH still wants to and I just need to bring him around to the idea. It’s like a kind of grief..giving up on the idea of traditional family life.
DC has a meds review coming up so will see if we can increase/change

Are you in receipt of DLA for DS?

Personally, I wouldn’t EHE. If attending school isn’t appropriate, I would pursue EOTAS via an EHCP. And in the meantime, if DS can’t attend full time, the LA is responsible for ensuring he still receives a suitable full-time education.

If you think a lot of behaviour at home is triggered by unmet needs in school, and those needs can not be met by SEN support/EHCP in school (e.g. things like light, noise, other people smelling/breathing/existing, inability to cope with changing teachers or fear of other people's germs etc) online schools can be funded by LAs via EHCPs. It would suit self motivated pupils who are quite academic and mainly struggle with sensory overload/social interactions at school. Some LAs are very quick and happy to fund schools like MVA and KIH, others not. Some parents I know have asked the school their child is currently enrolled with to pass on their funding for the pupil to the online school provider and some schools agreed to that.

This was exactly us, not that long ago. He scared his brother, raged, couldn’t be left with anyone else cos he was so horrific with them, once put his foot through a glass door and had to go to A&E cos I’d had the audacity to say “no” to him, threw chairs across the room, yanked my hair and hit me. I spent many many days in tears, wondering what the hell had happened to my bright, sensitive, gorgeous, lovely boy. He’d been such a sweet, kind child and I ended up with a monster. I walked on egg shells and felt like I was in an abusive relationship.Felt like I must have done something to cause it, been a bad mother etc cos the change was so drastic. In truth, he basically devastated our lives. We lost friends/family etc etc. horrendous.
Fast forward three years and life is better. It’s not perfect but he has a relationship with his brother now, will do activities, is chatty, we hug and laugh together. He’s never violent. I can see the old boy returning. I’m slowly picking up the pieces of the smoking wreckage of my life.
For us, the cure was getting the school situation sorted. Moved out of mainstream, spent a year and a half at home, then went into special school and that has changed everything. He’s still a handful, but i actually feel love for him, which if I’mhonest I hadn’t done when he was going through all of that. I’d just really resented him.
So, yes, your son is obviously going through something at the moment and in my experience ince whatever’s causing it calms or passes, this stage will pass and your lovely boy will return! Really hope so. I feel for you, I really do