How to accept the situation? EHCP, sen and DC.

[SunFrowning]

This is long. I’m at such a loss of what to do with my DC and feel like a failure as a mother.

DDs are 15 and 14. DS is 8. Both DDs have ASC and anxiety. One DD also has ADHD. DS has ASC, ADD and learning difficulties. All three attend different wonderful special needs schools. DS is thriving and his school is the best place for him. I’ve had to fight for years to get my DC the right support.

But, I can’t help feeling that I have let my DDs down very badly. They are both very intelligent but for DD1, her anxiety has ruined her formative years and continues to rule our lives. She has missed so much education that I don’t think she’s going to achieve any GCSEs.

DD1 attended a mainstream secondary sporadically until having a breakdown in Y9 and never returned. She still suffers with school related trauma now. Getting her support is near impossible because she wants help but refuses to engage, due to anxiety.

My DH is a teacher and we have also hired tutors but she is confrontational and argumentative when we try to help her. Her school have also tried to help her by providing extra support in higher learning but this then results in meltdowns at home because she is being “targeted” at school. It’s a no win situation and I’m so upset she’s not going to be able to sit her exams at the level she’s capable of.

DD2 is more relaxed but also has mild ADHD which complicates things. She also attended a mainstream secondary school albeit for a very short time as she was utterly miserable with regular explosive meltdowns, she became a different child. I pulled her out after a few weeks because I didn’t want to risk the same trauma as DD1. Now I wonder if I was too quick to do this.

DD2 is quite energetic and easy going but will have intense meltdowns when faced with unexpected changes or unmet expectations. She also struggles with the concept of homework, is very messy and disorganised and needs repeated prompts to get things done. She has to have her routine carefully managed and her expectations set so as to avoid a meltdown. I also don’t think she will sit her exams because she’s not being taught enough and doesn’t have the focus to maintain consistent, regular learning.

Both of my DDs do not have a group in their schools who are on their educational level. Whilst this hasn’t been too much of an issue initially , DD1 is now very aware that she’s different to her mainstream peers and different to her special needs school peers. She feels she doesn’t belong anywhere and is now becoming unhappy. I have talked to her about changing schools but she herself recognises that she’s in a fragile place with her mental health so this might not be the best idea. I do believe her school has helped her hugely but I’m saddened by her lack of opportunity in comparison to her mainstream peers and she’s now struggling to relate to her classmates. I don’t know what to do. Home education is not suitable as she’s very isolated to start with because of her anxiety. She could not go back to mainstream.

DD2 is very happy in her school. There were some issues to begin with involving the peer group not being quite like her but this seems to have resolved as she’s made some new friends and she’s accepted the differences. However, the more settled she’s become, the more I believe she should be in a mainstream! I’ve talked to her about moving back to her old school but she’s not happy about it.

I did consider private schools when secondary school fell apart but for DD1 I can’t see how even a smaller mainstream environment would have helped, she was at rock bottom. With DD2, she was recommended an ARP for secondary, but the only one available to us was independent and full. It was also intended that DC in the ARP would be taught in the main school for most classes. DD2 needed OT therapies too which a lot of schools failed to accept. I often wonder if DD2 would have been more suited to private schools rather than a special needs school.

I’m feeling so sad about all of this lately and after multiple appeals, multiple complaints, LGO involvement and various other avenues for all three DC, I can’t help feeling like I didn’t fight hard enough. I feel like I’ve possibly accepted the easier option of an LA chosen special school rather than fighting for an ARP or other private school options.

Has anyone else felt this way and has advice?

You haven’t failed.

When you think DD2 would be better in MS, read the 5th and 6th paragraphs in your OP.

Mental health has to be the priority. Academics are of little use if DC can’t function in life. Academics can always come later (if appropriate). The EHCP can continue until 25, or 26 in some cases, so if DDs are able, qualifications could come later.

@StrivingForSleep Part of the issue is that both DDs are expert maskers (whereas DS is openly and unapologetically himself), so on the surface they fit in to mainstream. However, the fallout for DD1 has been huge.

DD2 often makes me wonder if I should have kept her in mainstream for longer, but seeing how badly DD1 was affected by it, I didn’t want to risk it. I feel completely overwhelmed and this is spiralling because DD1 is now unhappy again. Thankyou for responding.

If your DD2 us happy and settled in school and has made friends, then is this not the best possible outcome? I assume that even in a special needs school, some GCSEs can be taken, even if it is by special arrangement?
And whether a child has additional needs or not, you can only help them if they want to. I absolutely (unfortunately) understand that anxiety etc can make it very difficult, but while it's terribly sad and hard as a parent to be patient and supportive until they reach enough motivation by themselves, you must not blame yourself. Our children have agency, and with this comes self responsibility, SEND or not. You have achieved better options for all your 3 dc than most parents.

It sounds like you've done the absolute best you can. There's absolutely no point in second-guessing and none of us has a crystal ball! Unfortunately your two DDs fall into the group that suffers most in the current school set up: academically able but with emotional challenges. I cannot tell you the amount we have spent (we are talking second small mortgage type amounts) getting our DD the education and support she needs that has (fingers and everything else crossed) enabled her to transfer from a private primary into a state mainstream secondary, but we were only able to do that BECAUSE there was only one of her.

Your DDs have each other and your son which must be helpful at times? Great to have siblings who understand life's challenges.

If DDs can sit English and Maths then there will be college options open to them and they may be able to study more independently as they mature.

Education is lifelong not just something that happens between 5 and 18.