Socialising for autistic boy

[AngelinaJolie21]

Hello, I have a 13 year old autistic boy, in special school, and although he’s bright and capable, he’s still really, really under-developed socially. He’s desperate to make friends but every time he does, he somehow blows it. Sends too many messages, gets into an argument, clams up and goes super quiet. It’s so heartbreaking to watch. I’d love him to just have two or three really lovely friends. Looking for messages of hope really? Anyone else had an academically able, wannabe sociable kid, who ended up developing these social skills? Is it just a case of time? He’s developing differently but will eventually develop them etc. Or any tips on how we can get him out of it? We’ve tried joining clubs and groups and all kinds of stuff and it just never works. It’s like something in his brain needs to click and no matter how much I try to teach him about friendship, he just doesn’t seem to understand.

Are the groups/clubs you have tried ones aimed at DC with additional needs? If not, worth trying them.

I think closer supervision would help. To help DS navigate the social interactions. So support with messaging, to deescalate situations before they become full-blown arguments, etc. Has DS had a social care assessment? This could help with a PA to support meeting up etc. without you being there with DS all the time.

Does DS receive SALT and OT input?

For some, getting older does help.

Thank you for your response. So yes, he's getting OT and SALT - I need to ask them as well to see how it's going. I understand that SALT can massively improve social skills.

The trouble with the clubs is that he's a massive inbetweener, plus he has quite niche interests. We have an amazing place up the road for us for autistic kids, a big centre that has all kinds of activities and he just won't go. They do focus more on sport/drama/music. All things he finds really difficult. He's into more sciency/mathsy stuff and just wants to talk about that constantly. He'll go on discord groups where they talk about the stuff he likes. I just long for him to have a few actual, physical friends.

The strange thing is as a v young child he was so popular and gregarious, made a friend wherever he went. And it's just tailed off into nothing. Every friend he ever had has just dwindled away....it's really heartbreaking

At 13 you could try social activities scaffoldied by adults. Things like a community choir for adults, but you can go together. Church stuff is good for low commitment social activity scaffolded by adults with volunteering possibilities. We did social stuff as a family - all the local fundraising quizzes, trips to plays, cinema etc. It's a pretty terrible social life for a teenager to go with family - but it's something, out the house, gets them used to how sometimes you have to work at social stuff. He still doesn't really have friends but he is busier.

Is there a STEM club locally DS could try? Or do you have any lectures open to the public locally that would suit DS?

He sounds similar to my ds. He has found a good friend at a coding club. Is there a Stem/coding/gaming club near you? We started practicing basic manners, like looking people in the face (doesn't need to be eyes, just at the point above the nose is fine), using people's name when saying hello and bye, saying thanks and please, smiling at people despite feeling anxious, especially while saying hello, bye, thanks, please etc. Filming him when he clams up so that he realises that when he goes shy he actually starts sounding and looking quite rude. I think it helps. Fake it till you make it, ASD or not.

Thank you so much for all the suggestions! Really helpful!

I’ve managed to find a local STEM club that he actually wants to join, so that’s definite progress!!

https://www.theengineshed.org.uk/ this is a great charity if there is one anywhere near you.