My autistic adult daughter is struggling with our next door neighbours

[BreezyOliveSloth]

Want to pull my hair out. Going to put a note through the door tomorrow asking them if they can keep things down later into the evenings, ever since they have moved in it’s been horrible. They seem to be very quiet up until around 9pm, and then that’s when the noise starts. Working on their house, shouting at each other (maybe that’s just them talking to each other but they just shout back and forth) banging on the walls, it’s nearly 11pm now and it’s gotten really bad and she’s had a meltdown. My daughter can’t sleep as she’s right next to the wall where they are making all the noise. She has autism amongst other learning disabilities and the noise is just too much for her.

They also have children and you can hear the children running around the house, screaming until 2am sometimes on the weekend, you don’t hear a peep from them until around 2pm as I guess they sleep in. I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not or too harsh, we have done everything from putting extra fans in the room and encouraging my daughter to wear earphones to bed but it still doesn’t block it out.

After we put the note through the door, if it doesn’t get better what can we do next? I don’t want them to get into trouble as we know they have children but this surely can’t go on. It got so bad last night she had to go downstairs to try and block the noise out as it’s not a loud down there. Thank you.

I'm not really sure you can do anything other than maybe move your daughter's sleeping space? You can ask them to keep it down and hope they do, but they shouldn't have to live different to normal people due to neighbour needs (that works both ways). Learning to manage normal neighbourhood noises is on the people with sensory issues. I say that as someone with autistic people in my household.

Can you move DD’s bedroom? Are the earphones DD is using noise cancelling earphones such as loops? If it continues, you could look at sound proofing. A disabled facilities grant may be possible for this.

If the noise overnight is unreasonable (which will need to be more than just children crying, but could include working on their house depending on what you mean by that), you could complain to the council.

Are we meant to get used to people working on their house over night, bashing into the walls? Is that normal? That doesn’t seem normal to me. We never said they have to live differently, did I? I just said it would be nice if they could keep it down even just a little. Yes you may have autistic people in your household but the condition affects everyone differently, it isn’t one size fits all.

I’m not just complaining to complain, I would love you to come listen to how loud it really is and then tell me to get used to it! Sorry this comment rubbed me off the wrong way.

Maybe you are used to people doing construction work at 2am, but that doesn’t seem right to me.

hiya, thank you for this. The children screaming into the late hours of the night is frustrating but we definitely wouldn’t go complain to the council about it, it’s more the bashing and banging at 2am which wakes the whole house up. We unfortunately can’t move her bed, I’m housebound and have limited mobility and right now she’s sleeping in my room because she won’t sleep in her own room (she has severe PTSD from prolonged abuse unfortunately and is struggling right now) and my room is the worst room in the house for it. Trying to get her back into her room but even in there some nights we have found it unbearable so we have to move downstairs.

edit to say we could maybe invest in some better noise cancelling headphones for her as the ones she has right now don’t seem the best. That may make a difference. I don’t want them to have to change their lives for us, of course we don’t but I do wish they were a little bit more respectful so late night.

I forgot to mention this but the house that are also connected to them have also complained about the noise levels.

No, you respond to them like any other person, and doing work through the night is not acceptable. I don't know what the noise ordinances are in your area, but up till 11pm is generally legal in my area. Not that you can't have a complaint before then, it's just harder to enforce, though any noise can be a legal problem 24/7.

My neighbour did his bathroom renovations through the night, so I do understand. We also have a PITA neighbour but they've started keeping it down since I started managing their noise my own way.

I often ask myself, "Is this my sensitivity, or is it them?" If it's mine and they're not actually doing anything wrong, then I have to find a way to deal with it.

You don't say how old their kids are but, if very young, hopefully the 2am thing is just them going through a 'stage'.

If the works throughout the night continue after asking them to cease, I would complain to the council.

What mental health support is DD receiving? Has she had an OT assessment?

Hi, sorry for the late reply. She’s not currently receiving any mental health support. She does struggle as she has PTSD, upon other mental health problems and other learning disabilities including her autism. We haven’t thought about OT so thank you for bringing it up! She’s been doing really well recently, graduated from university with her degree and has gotten a new job, she’s just been struggling recently and maybe the ongoing noise is just tipping her off.

If DD is amenable, I would visit the GP about DD’s MH. Has she tried EMDR for her PTSD? If DD has a learning disability, look at a referral to the learning disability team.

We will look into this, thank you. She’s on medication for her depression but hasn’t tried EMDR for her PTSD.

Update: it’s gotten so much worse over the past few nights. Not sure if it’s because it’s the Easter holidays but they are dead quiet until around 10pm, it’s almost half past 11 now and the bashing has started in full swing. Last night it lasted until around 1am and kept us up. Have no idea how to confront them about it as they seem lovely but not sure if they realise how noisy they are. Had family over the other day and woke up DD’s little cousin at 1am from the banging. The children seem younger than 10 years old so no idea why they are so awake at this time of night! Can’t be healthy.

If they seem lovely maybe try talking to them? They may have no idea. Normal noise in normal hours is one thing but those are not sociable hours for anyone.

Speak to them. Then, if it continues, complain to the council.

We will do it Monday as it’s Easter tomorrow. I wouldn’t care whatsoever if it was happening in day time hours at all, it’s normal noise but I think when it carries on past 11pm and gets worse as the night goes on I think it’s unreasonable. I hope it’s the case they have no idea!