masking ASD struggling at childcare & other kids

[Molly4200]

Hi just looking for some advice

I took my daughter (4) out of nursery as they wasn’t meeting her needs and the environment was too busy and too much for her she’s on the pathway for autism her brother is diagnosed. she masks in nursery / childminders and is a polite well behaved child etc but unfortunately holds in all her feelings and struggles horrendously around other children and with noise, she’s so anxious and repeats things to me constantly. when she finishes she has huge meltdowns from holding in all day and effects sleep

as I said I took her out of nursery and I picked a childminders after a break at home to recover from nursery. Because she struggles so much I’ve been having to look at home ed for sept 25 when she is meant to start school. She would never cope in school with 30 children.. but it is difficult as my older is asd and adhd and doesn’t sleep at all and has high needs, he does go to school but having no break would be very hard I can’t pour from an empty cup and it’s only me taking care of them.

she’s curenely in a childminder with 5 other kids, she goes 3 days a week on one of the days there is only 2 other children in, she copes better on this day. Much better as the other children nap so she has a lot more 1-1 times and break from the noise/ other children. When she’s at childminder she doesn’t sleep well, worries herself, up in the night , can’t fall asleep due to anxiety, everyday anyway she gets up very early at around 4am, but it’s worse on childminder days . The other two days she panicks all morning saying she’s scared she’s nervous she doesn’t like the noise etc she then screams all the way there, gets herself all worked up and can’t talk her round. Begs me to go back home and not to send her. It breaks my heart.

I must add the childminder is amazin, I’ve spent loads of time with her I talk to her everyday her setting is amazing, she adapts things for her she communicates with me And she’s been doing it for 30 plus years. She’s honestly lovely. The other children are nice the younger ones argue abit but the childminder has things in place , they do run around screaming etc but again there children we can’t stop that. Sometimes they do get in her personal space but again they’re young, not the other children’s fault mostly and anything that needs correcting the childminder does. You would have those things around most children. When we arrive once I leave she holds in all her feelings stops crying appears “ fine “ even tho she’s not and then holds in all day. She won’t tell anyone she doesn’t want to do something or not to do something, she doesn’t speak up and tell the childminder if anything is wrong or too loud she masks and holds it all in.. she does like her childminder and she does enjoy all the activities she sets up for them, on the quieter day she’s a lot happier, but unfortunately that’s the only day there’s less children in and a can’t gurantee it will stay that way either as she takes on more children.

I don’t want to keep her away from people so I want her to still socialise and go , its a much better setting than she was in and a lot less children than nursery and school.. i just want to no if I’m traumatising her sending her when she’s begging me not to and I should just keep her home. I do everything I can to help her and I don’t want her to loose her trust in me as her safe person by forcing her to go when she’s begging me not to .. But my worry is she will struggle more and more if she doesn’t go I may add she’s been there for nearly a year now .. so it’s not new to her the children are all the same to.

as I’m considering home education I would still need childcare for a day or two a week. So the plan was for her to stay on at the childminders for a few days a week as I still need to be able to attend meetings at my sons school etc and do all the rest of the stuff need to do and then home school the rest of the week and over the weekends but with her being so upset when I drop her off I just don’t know if she can stay on there and if am
doijg the other thing still sending her . It’s so hard to no what is best. She still needs to socialise with other children but she struggles so much without me, I’ve just rolled her off and my heath is broken an hour of screaming and begging to be with me and go home and she feels nervous etc and then she has to walk through the door of childminders and hold it all in.

would you keep her home full stop or still send her?

I don’t think it is a choice between removing DD completely or forcing DD to attend the childminder without any further support.

I would pursue further support. You say the childminder is supportive, have they requested an EHCNA? Asked for advice from the Area SENCO? Applied for early years inclusion funding? Referred to SALT and OT?

Thank you for responding, nobody else sees any of this though, she walks into any appointment heavily masking answering all questions sitting happily talking to other adults , ticking all the tick list boxes. I’ve got her on the right to choose pathway as the health visitor wouldn’t reffer her when I initially tried. She struggles so so much but nobody sees it. The childminder has wrote me a huge report that I took with me along with all my evidence and videos to the doc to get her on the right to choose . Anyone I speak to offers no support . The childminder got someone from the council to come out to her and they observed her playing etc they didn’t see and don’t see any of her autism traits.

am not currently applying for an EHCP as she’s not going to school in Sept.

my son is very “ obviously “ autistic and in my area it was still a fight to her his autism and adhd diagnosis , his EHCP and the other support he has even though he tip toe walks hand flaps all day every day can’t sit still is behind with everything has no danger awareness etc etc and is complete opposite of his sister , it still was and still is a fight for his support. People look at my daughter and think she’s “ fine” she masks heavily and any support I’ve tried to get her nobody listens..

I just want to know if people in my situation would still take her or would keep her home if the plan is to home ed anyway , I don’t want to traumatise her sending her when she begging me not to but at the same time I want her to have support and still be around other children etc to help her adapt.

Good professionals will be aware of masking.

The childminder should have referred to SALT and OT. This is separate from the ASD assessment process. In some areas, you can self refer to SALT and OT, so it is worth checking if you can. The childminder should have also applied for early years inclusion funding if she hasn’t already. Same with asking the Area SENCO for advice.

As I said, personally, I think there is middle ground between removing DD completely and forcing her to go without additional support.

Personally, I think it is a mistake not to request an EHCNA. Yes, many have to appeal, but it can help if school is not appropriate and it could have provided additional support at the childminder. You say you are ‘having to look at home ed’, you don’t. An EHCP can provide provision otherwise than at school.

I get what your saying but as I said my son has an EHCP he’s supposed to have support and a 1-1 but there isn’t the funding and the LA won’t even come out for our recent early review to try and get more funding for school and support on it in down that school more than I am at home .. I’m fighting for an additional needs school for him but for various reasons and in this area it’s just currently not happening yet my daughter appears to be ok to everyone and I’m hugely struggling to get any support for her at all. She can’t handle 4 children in the childminders she won’t handle 30 even with EHCP or other support as the funding and the help in my area just is not there. I’m not new to autism I have adhd myself and my brother is autistic and still lives with my mum at 35. Most of my extended family is autistic and their children are to.. I know the pathways and services to go to but unfortunately nobody can see how much my daughter struggles other than me. I would never ever sen her to school in a few months time like this and any other support the waiting lists are huge so there wouldn’t be anything in place by sept.. she cannot handle 4/5 children 3 days a week never mind 30 when all the schools in my area are understaffed and under funded ..

I appreciate your help and advice

Provision detailed, specified and quantified in F of an EHCP can be enforced, via JR if necessary. Lack of funding and lack of staff are irrelevant. That isn’t a lawful excuse. The law is the same in every LA. If the 1:1 is detailed, specified and quantified in F but isn’t being provided, have you threatened JR, sent a pre-action letter and, if necessary, pursued JR proceedings? If you want a special school, did you appeal when you last had the right of appeal?

Good professionals will understand and recognise masking. Obviously it is your choice but masking doesn’t have to be a reason not to pursue an EHCP if DD is as you describe.

As I said, provision can be provided otherwise than at school. It is was inappropriate for provision to be made in a school DD wouldn’t have to handle 30 even with an EHCP or even 4. You may have to appeal and therefore not have an EHCP by Sept, but that isn’t a reason not to request an EHCNA at all either.

If you at the school more than at home and DD won’t cope in a school environment, how do you plan to manage EHE even if DD attended the childminder for 1 or 2 days? Do you have other childcare DD manages?

She comes to meetings with me, she comes to drop off and pick up obviously already ( my son gets picked up from the office anyway so not even around other kids) and she walkS past other school children and enters school with me to support etc already so I’d handle it the same way I do now. She’s not sitting in a class room full of kids struggling when am at the school, she’s with her safe person and the meetings / visits I have to attend are usually with her brother and the senco / TA / headteacher when am in the school . They don’t have my son in the middle of the class room when they call me in to help, he’s in the Sen space or sendco office .. and the meetings I’m down there having all the time she already comes with me now, she’s only in the childminders currently for 3 days and often comes with me meetings . In emergencies or during very important meetings my mum comes out of work to help with my daughter to but that’s not often and she can’t be used as childcare as she still has to work 6 days a week.

he hasn’t got 1-1 specified that’s what where fighting for because school don’t have the funding to match up , there fighting for numerous kids in the school to get more every LA is different and clearly mine isn’t the best. I know the rules of EHCP and what can and can’t be enforced, they don’t have it stated he needs a 1-1 but the specialist teacher and the senco and his staff all agree he should. The school are trying with me to get more put in place . They also unfortunately have a or of staff leaving there isn’t enough support and there left with too much to do. The case with most school. The LA is who am fighting for more in his EHCP.

anyway this isn’t the conversion that I made the thread for. I’ll leave it at that

If DD manages drop off, pick ups and meeting etc. at school because you are there, would the childminder allow you to stay and build up time with the childminder with you there to enable DD to build more of a trusting relationship with childminder and enable to childminder to see how you manage DD’s needs?

When you said ‘he’s supposed to have support and a 1-1’ I assumed it must already detailed, specified and quantified in F because if it isn’t it isn’t a case of he is supposed to have it, unfortunately.