Suddenly hates nursery

[JamJarBinx]

My DD was 4 in October and will be starting school in September. We have no official diagnosis as still waiting for her first appointment but the suspected diagnosis is ADHD and ASD.

She started nursery the term after she turned 2 and has always absolutely loved it. Constantly asked to go on her days off and had no issues with being left. We increased her days to 4 full days 9-3 after October half term and did notice a slight change in her behaviour at home where she was tired and spent more time masking her behaviour.

About a month ago when I picked her up I could heat her screaming from the gates and she came out in floods of tears which has never happened before. We see meltdowns at home but the nursery had never experienced one before. We were told it was because her keyworker had to firmly tell her to stop touching other children(not maliciously she just doesn't understand personal space). She cried all the way home and all evening and woke up throughout the night crying as well. She was then off for a week and a half due to illness, during this time she kept saying she didn't like her keyworker anymore.

The 3rd day back when I picked her up her keyworker came out before they bought her out to say she'd had to tell her off for kicking her wellies off on the walk and she was upset. She come out screaming and crying and again this went on all evening. She went to nursery the next day which is a day her keyworker doesn't work and I warned them how upset she was and they told me at the end of the day she had been upset all day. She was upset all evening again and said she didn't want to go to nursery. We took her again the next day and she had an absolute melt down when she saw her keyworker and the nursery told us just to take her home so we did. Then she had a day off and we tried again Friday but again she kept saying she didn't want to go but stayed calm until we got there and had another meltdown this time the nursery said to try and stay which she did and they said she'd had a good day and been happy however when she came home it was clear she had been masking and putting on a brave face. She was so anxious, just swimming and repeating herself over and over.

We then had half term and we really hoped it would be forgotten but this morning she has cried and didn't want to go. She eventually agreed to stay, said goodbye to me and ran off crying. I've told the nursery I think we should go back to 3 days but I don't even know if she will do that? I don't want to take her out completely because they're applying for her ehcp for September and she's going to be expected by the school to go 5 days a week when she start but it's literally broken my heart how upset she is.

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice on how to handle this? Thanks

Hi sorry that your DD is struggling.
Have you had a meeting with Nursery staff or the SENCO to discuss the change in behaviour?
Why are they waiting until September to submit a request for an EHCP?

It is unlikely that a 4 year old would get a diagnosis of ADHD. Also you are clearly aware of the term
“ masking” which can cause lots of additional stress and is especially typical of girls on the Spectrum. A 4 year old would not usually be masking though in my experience, but may of course behave differently in different settings.

Is the Key worker a one to one or key worker for several children? Neurodiverse children often hate to get things wrong/ make mistakes and if something negative has happened once she may think it will continue to happen.

What is their understanding of Neurodiversity at Nursery? Sensory needs could easily lead to Wellies being kicked off ( seams, scrunched up socks) so she should not be in trouble for this. At this age our daughter only had something on her feet if she was wearing a baseball cap.

If there are professionals involved ( area SENCO, EYFS team, Advisory Teacher, SALT, OT) I’d be seeking advice as an observation may pinpoint any difficulties. It could be that a change of KeyWorker is needed or something in the environment may have changed that has coincided with the “ telling off”.
Do they have clear rules and boundaries in place supported by visuals? This would need to be individual and bespoke for her.
If she’s struggling to get through the day a visual timetable would help or a folding pocket one showing the structure of the day (or a.m. p.m. ones ) so she can see when pick up time is.

Thank you for replying. I've spoken to the SENCO but we were hoping that she would be happier going back after half term whoch she isn't, so I think we do need to have a proper meeting. Sorry I meant they are applying for the EHCP now.

I know they are unlikely do give a diagnosis on the ADHD yet, however her brother does have an official diagnosis for it and her attention is much worse than his ever was. Both SALT and the nursery have noted that unless it's an activity she has chosen then her attention is about 3 minutes max. Maybe it's not so much masking but they definitely don't see the full extent of her behaviour, we have a lot of melt downs at home that they hadn't seen before but that could be where she's so tired from trying to be good whilst she's there.

They have generally been fantastic, and it was them that first mentioned the neurodiversity as although we knew there was clearly a delay and some issues we had buried out head in the sand a bit. When it comes to sensory we actually think she needs more input, she doesn't seem to feel pain and is very sensory seeking.

They do have input from EYFS so I will ask if they have any advice and i do think she needs to swap keyworker. He shares her eith tohet chikdren its not one to one. I'm not entirely sure on the rest, but we have never had any issue before and she's been going for 2 years and I feel it's been spoilt for her now

Have a look at the book The Out of Synch Child has fun. Lots of practical play based activities for children with sensory needs.
Glad they are on with the EHCP application. Hope things start to improve soon.

I believe so. We've waiting to see the developemental paediatrician who assessed my son for both. I'm not sure those questions are meant for me?

Apologies, I appear to have posted on the wrong thread! I will ask MNHQ to delete.

Make sure the EHCNA is requested ASAP either by the nursery making the request or doing it yourself. If you have to appeal, as many do, you will not have an EHCP in time for September.

If the nursery needs more support, have they asked the Area SENCO for advice? Is the nursery in receipt of early years inclusion funding for DD?

I would ask for a meeting separate from nursery drop off/pick up time with the keyworker. If the nursery is open to suggestions you could suggest they read up on PDA and the use of declarative language.