Help ADHD teen son drop in cooperation and mental health

[Schoolhelp2025]

Please help with any insight of ideas. My son in 13, 14 in May. Recently privately diagnosed with ADHD. Getting into trouble with school, swearing at teachers when triggers and defiance. When calm down does show remorse. He’s through a recent event had a step back and isn’t in a food place mentally.

For some reason he refuses to wear full uniform so it making himself a target at school for teachers asking where x,y,z is. He’s totally unreasonable. Told me he hates his life when angry and has broken things in the house. When upset says he would be better off dead.

things i’ve tried:

counselling, won’t engage
await adhd report but it will suggest medication, i am not sure he’ll engage
taking him out for a walk/drive and we have a god conversation with him
consequences and incentives
begging him to be good at school/crying and explaining its making things worse so when it comes to uniform just do thag one thing
he gets to go to a class 4 times a week at school for additional needs and its easier for him/her to likes that
slightly reduced time table
encourage exercise

i feel like i’m losing him and I don’t recognise him. I’m scared of his reactions, his mental health which he brushes off but I can see he’s stressed. I give him space and also reassure him I’m here for him. Its the most stressful thing ever and I’m failing. I cannot concentrate on work.

had anyone been through similar? Any advice or strategies that worked?

It is far more likely to be can’t engage rather than won’t engage. He needs a different approach. What does he like doing? Have you tried something that relies less on verbal communication and taps into whatever he enjoys doing? For example, if DS enjoys gaming, have you looked at Mindjam or if he likes animals, have you looked at animal-assisted therapy?

Does he have an EHCP?

If uniform is an issue, are reasonable adjustments in place? Other than the intervention 4 times a week, what support is the school providing?

If DS isn’t able to attend school full time, is alternative provision in place?

Hi, Going through the application now for the EHCP. Bought a couple of books. His misses 2 periods a week just for this term to help get him into a routine.

i’m meeting an advisory service to help me with the application and school as he bas bad suspensions.

i understand what you’re saying re engagement, poor language and if I take a step back he’s highly uncomfortable/anxious. I’ve read about PDA and think he might have more then ADHD. Once I get the report I’ll update his school passport but he has one now and it includes things like moment breaks, allow processing time, try not to confront him, he is better just speaking to him normally on sanctions.

Mindjam looks good. I’ve also considered 121 boxing/martial arts. I am thinking of a mentor or something in school time too. There are lots of things to navigate through and I’m trying to understand what might help including adapting my parenting style.

You can use the model letter on IPSEA’s website to request an EHCNA.

If you suspect autism, has DS been referred for assessment?

I was referring to PDA linked to ADHD. Yeah this advice group I am seeing are supporting me with the process which is helpful. Its all overwhelming and he is too so I’m trying to stick to a routine as much as possible to assist and speak to him. He gets very withdrawn combative closing down though.

PDA is a profile of autism. Although some have ASD and ADHD. It might help you to read the PDA Society’s website if you suspect PDA. It would help to pursue an ASD assessment too.

Yes the assessment was supposed to pick up any other asd but i’ve not got the report. He just said its not autism. I would like more time and observations with a psychiatrist so they can pick up anythibg more. I came across pda when researching behaviours and to try and find strategies too. There is a lot of info and I am working through. Ideally I wanted counselling to support and work but he finds it too hard. I am hoping some of the solutions can be done in the school week and time as often anything additional outside of sport he just doesn’t want to do and feels its taking up his time.

Does anyone have any suggestions around him refusing to wear school shoes. Take a bag and blazer? He is highly anxious when I remind him he has to. No logical reason why he shouldn’t take it. Just feels he’s being difficult

Have you asked for reasonable adjustments for shoes and blazer? Is there somewhere in school DS can leave the things he needs rather than taking them back and forth?

No I’ve not as there is not reason he shouldn’t wear them to be honest so its hard to say school should adjust when he is capable of wearing it all. Good point about leaving at school, would worry he wouldn’t still put on but maybe something to try

my grandson has adad he wont wear school shoes he gats to wear all black trainers try asking the school if he can do that

Have you tried different types of school shoes? Some are like bricks and no flex soles and made of plastic, some are super soft flexible and comfortable. My boy can only tolerate soft leather flexible one Clark's have some in their men's range.

Blazer is it too small does he need a bigger one? Is he too hot in a jumper plus a blazer? It's horrible material no wonder he hates it

Shoes and blazer are defo sensory issues which school can flex on / reasonable adjustment if he is truly can't manage .....