To seek diagnosis?

[Sux2buthen]

I'm in a quandary about my son. For years now (he's 10) and I've had suspicions that he may be on the spectrum. He's a high achiever and popular, no social difficulties.
I won't list the reasons I have these suspicions, there are many but I just wanted to make it clear that so far he's not affected in a negative way or in a way that affects his learning. Except for the times his teachers have reported he switches off mid year.
The things I've noticed over the years seem to be getting more prevalent in his life though ie hyper fixations are extremely important to him.
I have a meeting with his teacher and I'm unsure what I am aiming for. I've never approached anyone about this.
I don't know that a diagnosis would be of any benefit to him and worried it could actually be detrimental. However I'm also worried that though he is popular and happy now that it might change as he and his peers get older and move to the next schools.
Is a diagnosis always worth it?
As an aside I am going through different but similar with his sibling but that is far more obvious.
Thankyou

Personally, I think a diagnosis is important for understanding oneself, so if you think DS may be autistic, I would request a referral.

Depending on where you live, you could be looking at a 2 to 3 year wait before he's assessed anyway. (You may well know that if you're going through a similar journey with another DC.) You could always start on the pathway and see how things go but at least he will be 'in the system'.

You say that his teachers have noticed him 'switching off'. This is going to be pulled up on much more in Secondary. Depending on the attitude of the school/teachers, it could prove to become a real issue.
A diagnosis isn't going to change anything but what it could give is more protections and understanding as he navigates secondary school. Although schools should help based on need rather than diagnosis.

In my experience, the social gap between neuro diverse and neuro typical children gets much wider/more apparent as they get older. My DS has hyper fixations and teens are often not kind. Obviously a diagnosis isn't going to change who is he but certainly in my DS's case, it helps him to understand why he finds some things so difficult.

I have a family member who has just received their diagnosis in their 40s and they say they are so relieved. There are various coping mechanisms and strategies that they are now researching. It has also helped them come to terms with the struggles they've had throughout their life.

IF your DS does get a diagnosis you can chose who to share that information with anyway.

Thankyou so much.
My son is blissfully unaware I'm even concerned, at what point would you say something?

It's tricky isn't it? Depending on where you are in the country, there are different pathways to getting onto a waitlist. (I'm sure you know this as you mention another DC.)
Some initial appointments you will probably be able to do without your DC there. I would make a list of any concerns you have or examples you can think of.

Once you're on the pathway then obviously your DS will need to be seen. I found it very difficult talking about his difficulties while he was in the room with various professionals as he would get upset. I would sometimes ask if he could sit outside the room or sit in the corner and read. My DS was younger than your's though so I am sure your's will be very aware of what's going on.

I've also know parents who have two or more DC with autism and it can be difficult for the second DC to accept that they also have autism - especially if they present quite differently.

There is clearly a reason you feel this is 'coming to head' now though? And why you're looking to speak to his teacher?

You don't have to say anything to your DS just yet if you don't want to. He's got some big changes coming his way though in terms of changing school (and possibly things that are happening with his sibling?).
You obviously know the dynamics of your family - and your DS best. All I can say is with my DS, I spoke to him about his 'different brain' at quite an early stage and was very open about various appointments etc so he felt it was 'no big deal'. I do appreciate every DC is different though.

Personally, I would begin to tell DS in a way that is appropriate to his needs. He must already know about the ‘switching off’, you can use that as a way to begin to explore looking into why that happens and how you can help him.

Thankyou for the thoughtful replies. I'll go to the meeting tomorrow and see what they think and go from there. I'm really in two minds about what's best, I really appreciate the advice and experience. Thankyou

I wondered for years about my child - they were also a high achiever and popular at primary school. Took lockdown and seeing them much more stressed than usual (meaning they couldn’t hide their traits as much) to feel more confident about speaking to school and going for a diagnosis. As they’ve got older the maturity gulf has got much more obvious and I’m so glad we went for a diagnosis before we reached a crisis.

One of the biggest influences to me was a friend who had been diagnosed with dyslexia at 30. Roll on 10 years and they still had so much bitterness and felt failed by their school and parents. Even though on paper they had achieved really well: top grades, 2 degrees, good job etc, they had internalised their struggles with reading and felt worthless all that time despite all the outwards success.

Ultimately I realised I didn’t want my child to come to me as an adult and tell me they’d got an adult diagnosis and I’d be forced to respond with “well you know I’d always wondered but didn’t do anything about it”.

I think having no social issues would be unusal for asd.
But could it be you have always helped with organizing parties, play dates etc?
Or perhaps his friends are also ND

I think it depends on how much it is affecting your son's daily life.

Mine probably has asd and adhd and is high achieving, so quite similar to yours. He has a nice group of friends, is confident and loves school. No issues at school so far (grammar school).

He's not been diagnosed but if he starts to display problems I may seek help.

Does your son get outlets through playing sports etc? Perhaps it might help with his hyper fixations?

Mine can be like that sometimes but he keeps himself busy with different hobbies and sports. Might be worth looking into.

He couldn't be less interested in sport if he tried 😂 his entire paternal side love football but he's not he finds physical activity quite tedious. That being said he's very healthy and slender and in no way a couch potato.
I spoke with his teacher and she agreed with me and said that she had noticed a few quirks he has. She's recorded the meeting and has asked all staff involved with him to be just keep an eye. Also she's going to use our talk to change some activities that can trigger his discomfort like clay or anything involving messy hands etc.

Sounds great you've had some progress talking to the teacher.

Being slender and healthy is definitely a good thing but I'd also look into physical activities which will help regulate emotions and better focus. Doesn't have to be rugby or bungee jumping! Something that he might enjoy and can perhaps do it with family like cycling.

I do agree I'd like him to be more physical. He's just learned to ride a bike properly, his balance is not his friend.
We go for walks but he can't tolerate a walk with no purpose, there must be a destination and time limit set that cannot be deviated from without a lot of cajoling,

I will work on it though, it's good advice. Thankyou

Have you ever considered DCD?

Would DS ride a trike? You can get some good ones for DC who have additional needs. Expensive, but you can get grants for them. What about horse-riding? Or rebound therapy?