Primary school report to secondary school report re ASD shock

[mumzof4x]

Sorry for 2 posts in one day.
Dd is 14 and like many we have been on a huge journey (still are) with the learning curve of supporting our daughter from suspicion of ASD to diagnosis and support.
She is almost 15 now
Long story short .... in year 8 , so almost 3 years ago. i mildly suspected she may have ASD traits. Having raised 3 neurotypical dc I was admittedly very very naive to neurodiversity.
The journey we then followed like everyone's I imagine was individual and not really relevant to this post. However I have a "niggle" that's slowly making me feel quite uncomfortable . I'd appreciate Mumsnet opinion because I maybe overthinking or becoming a bit cross about something that's perhaps totally explainable / minor.

So when I suggested initially a gentle conversation with secondary school in year 8 re potential ASD, the response I received was unexpected to say the least. (When I say I was naive and uniformed to ASD I really was)
I was just aware that we had issues that sat outside of anything I had supported or experienced with my other three and while I was conscious of "not comparing" them, I was also really struggling with I didn't no what ! I just didn't know what to do or why she was being like she was. Was I doing something wrong ? Was she ill?
The person I spoke to at school rang me back and said something along the lines of :

" we're so glad you've contacted us. We hoped you would . We can compete the forms Mrs x amd get the assessment ball rolling with your consent. I can assure you your DD is already on the ASD pathway"
Me : what's that ? And why ?
School replied;" Oh her primary school had put on her transfer to secondary report: "likely ASD"
I said; " Oh. They didn't share that with me ? I had no idea?

So we could have done this years ago ?"
Tbh I was so uninformed and re ASD I declined an assessment at that point because I didn't understand what that would mean for her.
We have since progressed this and obtained the diagnosis and have support and are the continuous journey of ongoing learning to see how we can best support her.
My question is; surely the primary school had a duty to share that information with me ?
To be fair we hardly had any f2f meetings as Covid was rife, but I just feel like all the hours and hours of reading and learning and doing everything we can (and still are) so much of this could have been addressed so much earlier and these teenage years may have been a little less challenging for her.

Should they have shared that information - likely ASD
I feel like I've so let her down when I could have helped her so much earlier. Busting with live and admiration for her.
Thanks and sorry for long post .

The primary school should have discussed their concerns and if they added DD to the SEN register (which is what I think you mean by added her to the ASD pathway because the school couldn’t have referred for assessment without consent.) then yes they should have told you.

Why did you initially refuse the assessment? And, given that you did, why would you have responded differently if your primary school had raised it?

The school let her down and unfortunately it seems to happen a lot..

I raised the possibility of my DD having ASD in Year 3 with both school and CAMHS. I was told she was fine ('just shy') and there were no obvious indicators. I trusted the 'professionals'.

Fast forward to a very difficult Year 7 transition. I finally got a GP who listened and referred to CAMHS for an initial assessment. When I ran into the primary headteacher and mentioned DD was getting assessed and wasn't 'just shy', she actually said, 'Oh, we always knew there was something more with DD.' Yet for years they'd denied any issue because DD was academic and well behaved, and they gaslighted me instead, and did real damage by not putting support and referrals in place.