6 yr old struggling with friendships - will he ever make some

[TaupePanda]

I know that the general message is that kids in year 1 are very transient but my DS6 just can't make friends.
The school says he's fine, but he sobs about going in and says he's sad and lonely. This is definitely something he wants and I know he's trying super hard.
Do some kids just never manage to make friends? He has some interoception challenges - he dribbles and has a bathroom schedule or he'll poop himself (he can't tell himself if he needs to go). He doesn't notice snot etc and can be a bit gross at times.
He has a stammer, following a significant speech delay and is slow to articulate what he's trying to say.
He's behind in some other areas too - he can't jump, for example or climb (his balance is appalling). He's always a beat behind other people and just lacks dynamism.
So, I do get it - he's a hard kid for others to want to be friends with. But, he's also very sweet and kind and creative and highly imaginative and the 121 playdates we've organised tend to go well. We support him fostering an understanding of cultural social things like pokemon so he'll have common interests. We also do drama, art, swimming and football clubs. He's not great at the football but improving and we hope this will help him in the playground.
So far though, it just isn't happening. He tells us other kids just flat out refuse to play with him. One boy is definitely mean on purpose and has kicked balls at him. And it's destroying his confidence. He's also been extremely anxious and that manifests in a lot of crying and school refusal.
The other kids in his class are all grouped and no one seems to be allowing him in. Its impacting his academic side - he's got a terrible working memory so we have a lot of additional work via an IEP but its impossible to get him to concentrate because he just associates school with being by himself and it's all he wants to talk about when we mention school in any context.
I don't think he needs to be super besties with a group but just have one kid who said hi in the morning and wants to play with him. But should we prepare for that never happening? How can we help him come to terms with that? Or am I being dramatic? After all the years of back breaking work to get him here, I just want us all to catch a break and have a settled few months!

My son had no friends for most of his school life. He is shy and stuttered.He is now in year 5 and it seems to have finally clicked this year for some reason. Now he is bouncing into school and requesting his mates come round every weekend. Nothing about him changed, some children just take a little longer to get there. I know it is a horrible feeling as a parent but give your son time.

This sounds one of those cases where schools say the child is ‘fine’ when they aren’t really. Request another meeting with the SENCO. The school needs to be providing more support (e.g. do they run a nurture group, forest school, do they have anyone who can support Zones of Regulation work, do they run Lego therapy or drawing and talking interventions? What about jump ahead or Fizzy or equivalent?) and they need to be dealing with the bullying and exclusion at school.

Does DS have an EHCP?

Is he receiving SALT support? What about OT? Has DS ever had play therapy or similar?

My first thought is that the other kids sound awful. More charitably, it sounds like an unhealthy classroom atmosphere that's probably doing no one any good.

Lots of good advice from BrightYellowTrain.

You could also ask if they have an ELSA - basically support staff who specialise in all this.

And - I'd ditch football. I say this even though it's been a godsend for my own ND kid. The catch with football is that the kids who are good at it get really good at it because they play so damn much, and as they get bigger the tolerance slips for anyone who can't keep up.

One last thing - we aren't very kind as a society to people without friends. It can help to say that sometimes people can go through months or years when they don't have friends - doesn't make them bad people.

Thanks all.

There is no additional support at school - it's a big state primary and resources are stretched thin.
We pay for weekly OT and speech therapy but can't stretch to more than that - it costs a fortune. We get 4 week sets of NHS SALT and then back on the wait list for more which usually takes another 8 months. It's insane.
We don't have an EHCP - we lost at appeal. Everyone seemed to agree he'll be fine except us. We're taking it to upper tribunal and we'll see.
In the meantime, we're in touch with the senco and his teacher but it feels like we're just spinning around in circles. We're considering whether another class would be better - it's 4 form entry. But it could be out of the frying pan and into the fire.
I just feel so sad for him - my youngest doesn't care about friends so we can just leave him to it as he's happy by himself. But DS6 is definitely lonely. I feel like moving school is dramatic but it might be the option.

Was it a refusal to assess or refusal to issue? If the UT route isn’t successful, I would request another EHCNA seeking independent assessments from professionals with SENDIST experience. If you need to appeal again and can’t afford such reports, there are people who can help, such as Parents in Need.

Are there areas where he is on a par with peers? I would focus on these activities and away from physical things where he can't keep up. children at this age lack developed empathy and have yet to develop the patience to properly include children who are struggling, especially in a busy playground setting.

Guide his friendships a bit. Its very common for children to gravitate towards their most confident, popular peers, often more able sporty children who dominate games. There may be others more likely to befriend him - organise playdates with children he's seated with in class or who join him for academic/interventions or nurture groups, look for those who may share his creative interests. Don't discount girls and assume he must be friends with boys.

Oh and talk to school about kids being mean - that must not be tolerated. Can you ask if he could wear a watch that reminds him to use the loo and blow his nose to minimise physical uncleanness as children this age can find that really revolting and have very strong reactions eg nausea etc to smells

Id agree re ditching football. There are more inclusive sports - rugby is far more inclusive, and things like Beavers are better socially.

Oh OP it's really tough but I would second what another poster has said. Kids this age often slightly ignore their less popular peers who would actually be willing to include them because they desperately want to be with the gregarious popular crowd - and it can take them a few years to wise up and be a bit more realistic.

One of my dc was the same, throwing themself at the sporty popular crowd then saying they had no friends, when there were 1 or 2 others lower down the pecking order who actually were fairly keen to befriend them. The suggestion of looking at who he has small group interventions etc with is a really good one as he'll naturally spend more time with these children and he'll probably relax a bit more and be himself with them.

Sorry - totally missed responses! Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply.

In terms of clubs - he loves football. So even if he isn't great at it, that one is staying. We have looked at others but the rugby lot are an awful bunch of kids - the known bullies in the school are all in it and it is very exclusive - and cricket has a 2 year waiting list so we aren't holding our breath for that. He isn't really on par with his peers on anything, so we really just focus on activities he enjoys and ones that will support his development - swimming is essentially a therapy for him, as he has a stiff hip, for example.

My son has a reminder watch and we have a schedule that is managed by us and the teacher. In general he is getting better though he often forgets what the different symbols on the watch are for, so it is almost a moot point. It will improve as we hammer the message home, like most things he just needs lots of additional reminding.

Friends-wise, we have lots of playdates with a variety of boys in his class and everyone seems happy to come. We would invite girls but my son is adamant he wants to be friends with the boys and would potentially be rude if we invited a girl to play, thus creating bad relations with a child that he is otherwise friendly with.
Some of the playdates have been so successful, but it just doesn't translate to a bigger crowd - it is a large school so there isn't any getting around that.
We have spoken with the school about how he can be supported to play in smaller groups but it is pretty underfunded / understaffed and they'll let him sit inside if he's feeling overwhelmed but they don't offer guidance or nurture groups. In fact the opposite - it sounds like a feral jungle at playtime!
I've looked around another couple of schools but frankly they are the same - large and lacking in money to make a concerted effort with children who need it. So, moving him probably isn't the right way to go. But, I do think we are running out of ideas. The long and short of it is that what he needs just isn't available at state school and we aren't keen on private at 6 years old, though we will take this route at secondary most likely - I can't see him coping at a 2000 people city comp, though that is rather an early judgement call.

If DS loves football, as well as or instead of a mainstream club, you could look at ability counts sessions.

Have you looked at rebound therapy?

Request an EHCNA. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. Further support in mainstream is there, but you will need to push for it. In the meantime, request a meeting with the SENCO. The school needs to be doing more. They must make their best endeavours to meet DS’s SEN and they must make reasonable adjustments.

I run a Lego club at school. It certainly attracts the more socially awkward! It seems to be a nice ice breaker.

There's a Lego club at my local library.

We love lego club! But it is only on for one term at our library and the school doesn't run one. I'd love to do it, but I've already cut my hours to 3.5 days to accommodate the fact that neither of my sons can really manage long days so I have to pick them up at 3ish everyday.

We have already been through the EHCP process and had our claim rejected at issue stage. We've appealed and that was also rejected and we're now taking it further. Another assessment won't do much as far as I understand it - it wasn't a super strong case to begin with and we had to go to appeal at assessment stage too. My son has lots of areas that he's weak in but the majority of people agree that it's 'only a little bit' and school can support him. I don't think so and if they were honest I think his school would agree. But, we are where we are.

I've looked at rebound therapy but can't see anything near me. I haven't heard of ability counts sessions but I'll look at that for sure. We are on the wait list for a bunch of other things too including play therapy, an autism specialist OT and our CAMHS referral. But it all takes months/years.
I feel like I am whinging a lot but I just can't see a way forward. I want him to be happy and we'll pay as much as we have but sometimes it just feels like we've come to the end of the road

We would invite girls but my son is adamant he wants to be friends with the boys and would potentially be rude if we invited a girl to play

I'd want to nip that sort of attitude in the bud now while he's still young.

If he's not really on a par with peers in any area at all I'd be looking at inclusive activity groups. There are more around than you'd think. Be warned that at age 7/8 mainstream football can get unpleasantly competitive and you may find your son is no longer "on the team".

Ah, sorry, when I posted my last comment I just read the latest posts. I forgot you were going to the UT. If the UT route isn’t successful, I would request another EHCNA seeking independent assessments from professionals with SENDIST experience. If you need to such reports for future appeals but can’t afford them, there are people who can help, such as Parents in Need.

OP why not look for some less obviously mainstream sports? Something like a martial art? Where if he's not amazing at it, it'll matter less as its not a team thing in the same way.
Football is extremely difficult to keep going with at grassroots beyond about age 8 unless you have pretty good skill, because it becomes driven by team selection and those who don't make the cut rapidly find themselves with nowhere to play. So many football crazy lads are pretty decent players so the ones who aren't find it very difficult. Id worry a bit that you are setting him up for disappointment in a year or two with football.
As a PP has noted - please nip the 'i don't want to play with /be friends with girls' attitude in the bud sharpish. Plenty of girls like football and frankly it doesn't sound like he can afford to be choosy if he's lonely and in need of a friend or two. Plenty of boys who stay friends with girls, find that at secondary school suddenly when the lads become interested in the girls, they are glad they stayed friends!!

I'm so sorry your DC is struggling @TaupePanda . Sending big hugs to both of you. I bet your boy is just lovely. I noticed you posted last in january. How is he getting on more recently?