I have an explosive 5 year old DS2 (will be 6 in April), and am struggling with how best to parent him. And I'm wondering whether he could maybe have ADHD?
DS2 is explosive and defiant at home, easily frustrated, and can be very destructive when this happens and really struggles to self regulate (I appreciate he is only 5). I feel like we walk on eggshells around him so as not to spark this. His social communication with peers is not great, and he struggles to sit still and does fidget (especially at meal times, but can focus around work). He is impulsive, a risk taker, doesn't fear danger, and is a runner (when out), and likes to push boundaries (but what 5 year old doesn't?). He is also a real challenge to get dressed on a school day.
He has one friend in school (a girl in his class) but other than that appears to have low/no interest in friends or friendships, or playing with other children (at parties, or when out) always preferring to play by himself - there always seems to be a disconnect when I observe him. He does play with his two brothers at home and out.
Possibly not related at all, but he also seems obsessed with sugar - and when we go to kids birthday parties he is just there for the sugar and doesn't engage much with the other children (moreso then when I observe the other children who are moreso playing together). And at home, whilst we have the odd sweet treats/biscuits etc, we are not a huge sugar house but DS2 is every few days climbing cupboards and trying to raid it for biscuits, honey etc. DS2 doesn't like team sports, but we do get him doing football on a saturday morning - and he is fine for the first half an hour skills parts, but can be a real wonderer/disengaged when it comes to the end part matches (might moon one of his peers). He loves swimming, parkrun, climbing, craft, squirrels (aka Scouts for 5 years old) and also does kickboxing etc. He can be sweet but is not overly affectionate.
I have recently thought he might be on the spectrum, as his behaviour just seems 'extra' compared to his peers and his brothers. I had associated ADHD with being hyperactive, and whilst DS2 can be 'busy' I don't really see him as hyperactive as he can concentrate (not all the time, but loves reading, hama beads beads), and his bigger areas of concern for me have always been his explosiveness/self-regulation and impulsiveness.
I did ask the SENS teacher at his school to take a took at him last month, asking if he is perhaps on the spectrum. She reported back that she observed him in class a couple of times, and and said that he transitions well to tasks and settles into his learning, listens to the teacher's instruction, puts his hand up to share his ideas and completes his work with little support and distraction. And whilst his class teacher feedback that he is very close to one child (his one friend), and spends a lot of his time with her he will branch out and socialise with others. We have a nanny one day a week (who has been with us since DS2 was 18 months old) and when I asked her is she thought DS2 might be on the spectrum, she said yes definitely, and it was something she had always suspected.
At home I am however really not coping. And whilst our approach is mostly positive parenting in style, we have also been firm, and been authoritarian (and sadly shouted as am at the end of my tether as it feels relentless). The approaches work better with DS1 and DS3 but not DS2. I have tried connecting with DS2 more, spending more 1 on 1 time etc. And having read quite a few parenting approach books but nothing seems to make an impact, and I wonder if he may have ADHD and we need a total different approach? For context, we had 3 sons in 3 years, and DS2 is the middle at age 5 (DS1 age 7 and DS2 age 4). Me and my husband had suspected that most of the behaviour issues were down to DS2 having a slightly spiky temperament, compounded by being a middle child with short age gaps with his brothers and less attention and me and my husband working full time.
I'm not sure if it's because it's the end of the year, but I'm feeling even more stretched and unable to cope. My husband leaves for work before the kids are up, so I do all the morning and afternoon/evenings solo, until he is back at 6pm ish. We take the kids out, and make sure they get plenty of exercise. But because DS2 can be a runner, when I am solo parenting I don't take all 3 kids with me to places where I think DS2's running off could be a real risk/I can't cope. So for example, when school broke up for Christmas last week I took my 3 sons to the cinema, which should have been an easy win, having picked an out of town cinema (as our normal one directly adjoins an arcade, where I didn't want to go to). All kids had plenty of popcorn as their treat and somewhat enjoyed the film. At the end we had to walk out past a large pick and mix sweets section, and DS2 wanted sweets, and I sad no. And he kept on trying to grab some repeatedly, and whilst I explained again no we were not spending the money on sweets and had already had popcorn, he kept on running back. I needed to pull him away. This triggered him into get really angry and to run off outside the cinema once we were outside. I didn't chase him as it can start a cat and mouse game with DS2, and just observed and was taking to another mum we had visited the cinema with). He then went around the corner and I went after him as the cinema is near a busy road (whilst the other mum looked after my other two children and her own). I got DS2 back and tried to acknowledge his disappointment of not being able to have the sweets and walked us to the cinema car park. I couldn't find the other mum who had my other two children, so whilst I got out my phone to call her DS2 ran off again and I couldn't find him for a few minutes. Once I found him, and got my other 2 kids back and all into the car, there was then a standoff with DS2 not wanting to put on his seatbelt, and I was feeling under pressure to get home as my MIL was arriving at our home shortly to visit. I shouted at DS2 (...please don't judge too harshly). Eventually after 10 mins we left for hime. Then during the ride home, and on a busy road driving fast, DS2 took off his seatbeat and sat in the middle of the car, still really angry about the sweets. And I went berserk.... Eventually I got him to sit back down in his car seat with his car seat on with the repeated threat of 'no technology'' if he didn't.
This sort of this is becoming every day. Sorry for long rambling message if you have managed to read this long.
Is this every 5 year old? Is this just mine? Is this something more at play and could it be ADHD? I appreciate I am the one that needs to change here, and I need to be able to better self regulate myself first. I'm just exhausted and not sure what to do next. When I googled it, it said that to better parent for a child with ADHD than a ADHD parental training course would was advisable so I can best help DS2? Is there a set one to do?