Hello everyone. I hope I can find someone who has gone through the same as me.
I have a 7 year old audhd daughter with learning difficulties. This has been shut down her whole life by her father, and even after she was diagnosed and I handed him proof he still doesn’t believe it, or at least he doesn’t believe it is as bad I say it is. She apparently acts good, eats everything, behaves and he doesn’t see what I see. I think anyone with autistic children knows this is masking, or maybe there’s something going on over there that scares her. We will never know, although verbal she doesn’t talk about things. All I get is daddy’s is horrible, he gives me horrible things to eat and I can’t watch what I want and her brother gets to do whatever he wants. I’ve noticed over the last 3/4 years (school) that her education goes down hill the week following his weekend, and the Friday before going she is meltdown central at school.
So I made the decision as her resident parent and her carer, to stop weeekend contact and to limit time spent with him to half terms, we usually split them in half, but I did give him the option to have more choice over them and to have her for more than half if he wants/is able.
all I got in response to this suggestion was a horrid message as always telling me she’s better there and more loved and looked after better and after many of these conversations of my concerns, he has ignored every one and abused me in a way that makes me feel like a shit parent to the point I often believe it. I do believe she has the right to see her father. But if it’s affecting her school life going weekends, ( no time to settle before she’s back home), then I feel like I have a right to limit contact if I believe it could help her education, she has already been back classed from year 2 to year 1 (repeat a year) due to her learning disabilities, so we can’t take any risks. She has expressed she doesn’t want to go anymore, she doesn’t mind half terms, as she has time to settle down there, and settle back before going back to school, which is good for her mentally.
After years of co-parenting threats to call social, go for custody, kidnap her, everything under the sun. I’ve learnt that any threat he has made, he hasn’t followed, so I believe it is just abuse to scare me and I hope deep down it isn’t.
but I guess my worry is (no court order in place) I’ve explained this situation and his responses to domestic bioioence helplines and they said it was in my absolute right to stop contact and it’s fhen on him to take it to court to be reinstated and sorted out. But as I’ve only limited it, for the sake of the children really. I worry if he takes it to court, it’s my word against his and I know deep down weekend visits effect her a lot, but with no proof I am scared he will get them back if not more time with her.
she loves routine and strives from it, but this routine isn’t working and I know this because during a 6 week period we both didn’t have a car no visits took place and she STRIVED her learning was on track, her behavioir was better, everything fell into place and she was so happy and not mentally preparing for a weekend at daddies.
I don’t believe she hates going to daddies. But I think the stress of going with her autism is causing a lot of anxiety and problems which with age are becoming more apparent.
after blocking contact I sent a letter (signed for) explaining that I am going no contact and contact will not be through my partner unless he abuses that right and then we would have to rethink. Explaining to him that just because he doesn’t see the autism it doesn’t mean it’s not there. It’s been proven, and it shows. That calling me a bad mother for thinking of a way to help our childs anxiety and mental well-being, is a mild safe guarding concern. It’s been 5 days and I’ve heard nothing. It is his Christmas and we haven’t taken it, but we have put our foot down as he was always last minute wo th plans, we could never book time off because it was ‘too late’ he has until the end of November to confirm the dates we chose work or not and have said that with no response we will be keeping her installed due to the inconsistencies in the past.
alrhough thorough letter, if he doesn’t respond. I’ve allowed contact, can he tell anybody I’m stopping access. Because I’m not I’ve stopped weekends and have made half terms longer for him and have even taken away the burden of driving from him, as he failed to bring her back 90% of time on weekends, which was another small reason for this decision and it is an hours drive. So 2 if we have to pick her up and take her home. 4 over a weekend that is his. It’s ridicolous. He keeps moving further and further aaay and pretends that it’s my job to get her to his.
Christmas is soon and already planned so have stated from January all half terms are your choice. This one is too soon as we’ve all booked and planned around it.
jusf worry that I really am being a bad parent and this isn’t abuse at all and I’m just being harsh.
please help with advice although I’ve heard form helplines I want to hear from other mamas that this is allowed and that this is my choice and this sounds like a reasonable thing that I am doing
he has always been abusive which is why I left now he uses our child to abuse me. It’s common. He pretends he’s not. He’s pretends that she’s better there and that he’s the best parent in the world, even though he’s never showed up to her ‘life’ the 26 days a month he doesn’t see her. It’s getting tiring. If this goes to court, will they listen to me or listen to him?
thanks