ASD son age 12 - at a complete loss

[Endoftether24]

First time poster please be kind as I am looking for advice from anyone who has been in similar situation.

Son diagnosed with ASD earlier this year, just gone into Y7. Struggling with school (academically he is very able) , lots of behaviour issues now cropping up , disruptive, rude etc . Takes no accountability for anything - always someone else’s fault, tells lies etc

We knew it would be a difficult transition as he was very anxious about it for many months. Transition to high school was supported by SEN team, pupil passport in place, EHCP application in progress and school are providing extensive support but none of it is making any difference. we had the first refusal of school last week.

I have been round the loop with referrals after referral for more support and have been waiting for counselling support for many months through via school. This helped when he had sessions in y5 but they couldn’t offer more at the time. I have recently found other counselling / therapy via a local charity for young people but he has refused to engage with it so they can’t proceed if he doesn’t consent.

At home he is just awful to us all (we have two younger children ) - mean, uncooperative , nasty , controlling - he won’t do anything he is asked or help out at all with any aspect of basic family life (I am talking reasonable asks). His relationship with his dad (my husband) has all but broken down .. he is so awful to deal with at every interaction. He would be more peaceful if left on a screen all day - that’s not something we can allow - he has a phone but we do restrict gaming to an extent - ie when he’s done homework and limited chores (emptying dishwasher occasionally) we have a cleaner so not much to do.

I have tried every approach to try and understand what we can do to help him feel better - even including look at alternative schools - nothing is off the table. Until the last couple of weeks I’ve usually been able to get through to him when he’s calmed a bit but now he’s withdrawn and just tells me to go away. He’s refusing to eat and drink and is missing meals all over the place, refusing to sleep, wash , basic personal hygiene. I can understand there is a need for control.

Our family life is hanging by a thread, he is quite literally making our lives a misery. Over the years we’ve supported hobbies , team sports you name it anything to and help build confidence and support, even to our own detriment at times.

thank you for reading if you’ve got this far - I’ve another meeting with school this week. I’ve been contacting online charity vi chat for help but only been signposted to all the services I’ve already tried. I don’t know where else to go as he just says he doesn’t want my help or anyone else’s. He said he wants to go and live somewhere else and be left alone. He said he didn’t care if our family broke up. We know he lacks empathy and I’ve very patiently calmly explained the impact he is having on others but to no avail

refused to engage

It is far more likely DS cannot engage and he needs alternative support.

When you say ‘EHCP application in progress’, where exactly are you in the EHCP process? Has an EHCNA request actually been submitted? If so, what week are you on?

What support has the school provided?

If DS enjoys gaming, have a look at Mindjam. There are gaming alternative provisions too.

Have you tried PDA strategies? Some people find them helpful. Others find the Explosive Child and the Out of Sync Child books useful. Some find NVR courses helpful. A diary can help to spot triggers. Does DS have his own space at home? Do you have sensory equipment/trampoline/punch bag?

If DS is refusing to eat or drink at all, he needs medical attention. If he is eating/drinking, just not proper meals, keep offering what DS will eat.

Request a referral to CAMHS.

The EHCP is in progress - the assessment has been completed but the EP didn’t speak to all the relevant professionals so has gone back to be reconsidered - likely will go back to the panel if common sense prevails - hoping to avoid tribunal etc.

school are providing additional TA support in lessons he finds difficult , time out pass, toilet pass, access to SEN hub , interventions for emotional support.

today has eaten breakfast and then I suspect picking at snacks etc rather than anything substantial.

has his own room with sensory lights , beanbag, weighted blanket , anything we can think of to help.

we have previously been discharged from CAHMS as sought private ASD assessment. Did you mean a referral to another part of CAHMS?

What week of the EHCP are you on? Is the LA sticking to the statutory timescales? Has advice and information been sought from other professionals as well as the EP, e.g. SALT, OT, clinical psychologist?

Yes, request a referral to CAMHS. Not for an ASD assessment but for MH support. In some areas, you can self refer.

Has the school looked at why DS finds some lessons difficult? What about support at break and lunchtimes? Do the interventions for emotional support include something like Zones of Regulation? Can they offer mentoring? Would moving between lessons early/late help? Arriving/leaving school early/late to avoid the rush? Would reducing/removing homework or, if the school has one, going to the homework club help?

thank you for the advice - they are going to do the zones of regulation but he missed the first two due to being ill / not at school.

He has access to the Sen team at break lunch and any other time - but he doesn’t go there very often . He also wouldn’t want to arrive late / leave early as it would make him different to his peers.

homework is an issue it always has been - he doesn’t get very much currently and has broadly managed it until this last week or so.

its been suggested to me due to the complexity of his needs to make a referred under S17 of the children’s act to the Local Authority as a Child in Need …as a multi agency approach they could make things happen faster. Is this something anyone has any experience of please? It’s a separate team from referrals for children at risk etc

Speak to the school about dropping homework or completing it in school if that would work for DS.

Social care assessments can be part of the EHCNA. It was one of the reasons I was asking about where you are in the process/what week you are on. Sadly, lots of LAs don’t seek this advice or the response is ‘not known to the service’/‘no current involvement’, which is unlawful.

As well as an assessment of DS’s needs, you should request a carer’s assessment for you. On their website, Contact has model letters you can use.

Also look at your local short breaks offer.

Try PANDA strategies (Google PDA Society). Can't do any harm.

When my 11 year old AuDHD girl gets like that, she's anxious and overwhelmed.