Should I make my 5 year old attend parties?

[purplesofachair]

Looking for advice as feeling conflicted. My son has autism with a PDA profile which means we keep demands as low as possible to reduce anxiety.
We have been attending kids's parties for a couple of years, mainly other kids from his class at nursery. He's just started school this year and has been receiving birthday invites (I understand it's common to invite the whole class for the first year or so) I'm really grateful to receive these invites as know he struggles socially so want to give him the opportunity to be involved.
However, he's now started saying he hates parties and doesn't want to go to any more.
It's true that he doesn't really enjoy them (apart from the food and cake!) and spends most of the time attached to my leg.

My question is do I respect his wishes and decline every invite if he says he doesn't want to go or do I make him go to give him exposure to parties and ensure he's visible to his classmates. I'm worried if we stop going it will make his social struggles even worse but it does seem pointless when we spend the whole time in the corner of the room watching the other children having fun, with him saying constantly he wants to go home.
I also know he'll want his own party for his birthday (at home where he feels in control and safe) and I fear no one would come if we decline everyone else's invites.
Thoughts and advice appreciated. Thank you!

If he hates them, I wouldn't make him go. But I would have the discussion about party attendance being a reciprocal process, though in a year of whole class parties, I imagine some kids would still come even if he went to no one else's.

Would a compromise be that he goes and can leave if he's not enjoying it after ten minutes? I use this with my autistic DS - who generally does enjoy parties though they also make him anxious - and the knowledge that he is able to leave if he wants to usually makes it all go more smoothly.

We have been there! My DS (ASD) is 15 now but I still remember the birthday parties/weddings/family gatherings having to sit outside on a bench with him. It was awful. It really brings their difficulties home doesn't it?

Parties tend to become smaller as they go through primary school which has it's positive and negative points. It may become easier for him to cope with fewer DC and in a more structured environment such as a trampoline park/bowling etc (although the sensory overload and the winning/losing aspect can bring their own challenges!).

I had to stay with my DS at every class party and the other mums in his class I was close to understood why and were always kind - they often appreciated another adult's help. I would always offer to pay for my own ticket if it was something that cost money (eg cinema trip). I did try and encourage my DS to attend and we would compromise that he only needed to stay say for an hour rather than two and it was OK if he didn't want to join in the games, he could sit with me.

Does DS tolerate playdates? It may be worth starting to suss out one or two of the DC that your DS mentions and see if you can reach out to their parents and suggest a playdate out of school. Maybe at your home or park etc. That way he can start to build on those friendships but in a less 'full on' environment than a class party.

I would also say in terms of your DS's party, I found that the year we hired a magician was probably his most successful party. It gave the party a 'focus' and it didn't involve games or unstructured play. (I appreciate not everyone has a budget for something like that though). A Pizza Express party was also a success as they got to make - and then eat - pizzas.