Autism and eye contact - sometimes can and sometimes can't?

[BigBearLives]

My ds 13 is autistic, he struggles with eye contact sometimes, but not other times.

I'm trying to unpick this because it is causing some confusion on my part.

Ds is often rather rude and badly behaved - nothing to do with his autism, just to do with having spent rather a long time getting away with rather a lot and I am becoming stricter about boundaries around behaviour.

I want to make sure I retain consideration for his autism while putting more appropriate boundaries and expectations in place.

So - I know he finds eye contact with strangers, and when he is stressed, difficult and avoids it, and that he can and does make eye contact with me and my parents and his siblings and when he is feeling comfortable.

When he is angry with someone, he will stare at them maintaining lengthy eye contact in a kind of aggressive stare.

But when he is being told off for something, he will not only not make eye contact but also turn his body away.

The refusal to even look in my direction when he is being told off makes it feel like he isn't listening, and it feels very disrespectful but am I wrong to feel this?

I find it confusing that he can look at my eyes in some situations and not in others.

I'm hoping someone cleverer than me can help me to understand

I know this is old but I hope this helps.

It's acutely painful for me personally to look people in the eyes when I'm emotionally dysregulated. Being angry is separate from this. I wouldn't demand eye contact. I get it may feel disrespectful but it probably isn't. I would insist on screens off and empty hands (apart from maybe a fidget toy, nothing too distracting)

At the end of the day, any message you are trying to confer is more important than him looking into your eyes when you say it 🙂

@BigBearLives

I've only just seen your post too but thought this might help.

Faces can be very expressive. Reading facial expression is something a lot of autistic people struggle with. It may be that when you are angry your son finds the expression on your face scary, which is why he can't look at you and actively turns away from you.

My autistic son is grown up now, but I learnt long ago that however frustrated or angry I was, showing it made the situation worse. A calm voice and a neutral expression always worked best.

Something my son said when he was ten has always stayed with me.

He had done something really good and I said I would tell his TA at school, thinking she would be delighted and she would praise him too. He reacted with horror.
"Oh no! Don't tell Mrs S!"
When I asked why not, he replied, "Because she'll tell Mrs B (the teacher) and she'll tell all the children, and then they'll all put their eyes on me and that's scary."

It certainly makes you stop and think.