What to do with 16 year old DD refusing every option.

[Randomsummer]

DD 16 diagnosed ADHD and Autism won’t do anything. She failed all her GCSE’s but to be honest I am proud she even sat them as she was adamant she wasn’t going to sit them up until a week before.

Anyway, she enrolled with a college in September which is an hour and a half away and she has been 3 times. She says she hates the bus because strangers sit next to her. We have a meeting on Monday to discuss her options but she is having meltdowns saying she isn’t returning.

I have tried suggesting an apprenticeship or getting a job but she panics because she won’t know anyone and I can’t go with her (attachment issues). I just don’t know what to do with her. I want her to be as independent as possible as she can’t rely on me and my husband to hold her hand through life. It’s sad because my 11 year old DD is more independent and maturer then her 😔 it breaks my heart that my beautiful daughter is having to face all this and how it impacts her every day life.

I am at a crossroads where I feel like I am her mum and should I be doing more to support and help her? This would mean me giving up work and driving her to and from college. If college doesn’t work out do I then homeschool her so she can get her Maths and English?. She said she will volunteer if I go with her. If I don’t do something she will literally just stay at home in bed all day until we get home from work (she doesn’t have any friends) so won’t see anyone.

Unfortunately she doesn’t have an EHCP as the school never sorted it (long story) we are in the process of applying for one ourselves.

I am sorry for the long post but I just don’t know what to do. I just want the best for her 😔

I don't have experience of your particular situation, but through home education I have known a number of families facing similar challenges. One of my friends cut way back on his working hours for several years in order to spend more time with his depressed teenaged son.

I understand why you've been focused on your daughter's education, and that must feel like the key to her future. Maybe it will be. But there is no rush. She can do qualifications later. In particular, current government policy is that all adults who haven't passed GCSE maths and English can do those subjects at college for free, regardless of age, income, or employment status.

It seems to me that improving her mental health and confidence should be the priority. Everything else follows on from that. You're right to be worried that your daughter might become withdrawn if left to her own devices. Her willingness to try some voluntary work if you go with her is a positive sign.

The independence you're hoping for will come, I'm sure, but probably significantly later than you might have expected. One of my own children (who has a mild learning disability and likely ADHD, but not ASD) is 18 and nowhere near ready to move out into the world by herself. She needs a trusted friend or adult with her nearly all the time. But I do see her gaining in competence from one year to the next, and I'm optimistic about her future. My friend who was a long-term foster carer to a succession of young women with various learning differences described "her" young people maturing quite significantly until well into their 20s, accomplishing things no one could have anticipated when they were 18. The stages through which they progressed were similar to those of other young people, just at a different rate.

Obviously I don't know your daughter, but from your description it seems like she does just need more time to grow up, and needs to be in the company of people with whom she feels safe while she does that. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to give up your job altogether. Would it be possible for you and/or your husband to work fewer hours or more flexible hours so one or both of you could be around more for her? Not necessarily all day every day, but enough to keep her company, encourage her aim for a healthy sleep pattern, coax her out of the house sometimes to do gardening or walk the dog or get the family shopping, and see if you can help her settle into a voluntary role or clubs. Eventually she might even feel able to go without you.

What does DD enjoy doing? Does she game?

Is it ‘just’ the transport causing issues or is that just the answer DD feels able to communicate, but in reality the college is too overwhelming too? Would taking DD to college be financially possible?

Is she receiving any support? Have you had social care assessments?

Submit the EHCNA request ASAP. That will open up more options. Personally, I would go down this route rather than EHE longer term. An EHCP can provide far more support.