Help!

[TheQuickCat]

Hi
My DD is 9. Since she was very young she's had a horrible temper. This has resulted in other people getting hurt due to her violence. Usually me or her brother but since starting school it been classmates too. As she got older I noticed her attention span was really poor.

All of these things I hoped she'd grow out of but she hasn't. They've grown with her and I can see they're holding her back at school and in relationships (friends/family)
Because she has good eye contact, is very intelligent and creative I've never suspected any neurological issues.

Things have got worse though. She's started banging her head off walls, refusing to wear underpants (she says they feel uncomfortable), only wanting to wear one specific outfit even if it's dirty (this ones odd as she used to love dressing up or picking out lovely but outrageous clothes clothes to wear. Even altering or cutting things to suit.) She makes friends easily but looses them because of her temper.

She also has a very poor attention span and will interrupt, talk over or very easily get distracted. If I tell her to wait her turn or pay attention she'll get really angry either not talk to me all day, become violent or self harm with a hair brush, fists or the wall.

She's been in trouble at school too. She's hit other children. She now has the reputation of the naughty/violent girl. She also refuses to do work she thinks too hard like maths. She says she's not good at it.
I think it's obvious she needs help but I have no idea who to ask. I want to bring this up with the school but at the last parents evening (all of them) her teacher said she's a delightful girl who might need a little bit extra help with maths! This is despite me being called over by her teacher once a week since the beginning of term to talk about DD's behaviour.

I also don't know what condition she might have. I want to help her but I don't know if I should ask the school or go to the GP? Help!

Thank you if you've got this far!

Speak to the school (the class teacher and the SENCO) and GP. If your area still offer sensory OT on the NHS, look if you can self refer to them, too.

Is the school providing any support currently?

Look at sensory needs. Have you tried seamfree and seamfree knickers? And different styles such as shorts?

Some people find the books the Out of Sync Child and The Explosive Child helpful.

BrightYellowTrain

Thank you for your reply. I'll arrange an appointment with the school.

The underwear thing has been quite recent so I've not had a chance yet to buy more yet (I put the offending ones in the bin though, DD told me the worst ones)

The school haven't provided any support. I've asked them before if they thought DD might benefit from seeing the SENCO or her GP. They said no to the SENCO but the GP was up to me!

The school should be providing more support. If the class teacher and SENCO refuse, speak to the Headteacher. If they refuse, complain.

You could also consider requesting an EHCNA. IPSEA and SOSSEN are charities with lots of helpful information on their websites, including model letters to request an EHCNA.

Thanks BrightYellowTrain

The SOSSEN website was really useful .

Often issues only come to the fore when a child’s is no longer able to cope. The sensory issues may always have been there but because she was managing well enough socially, academically etc they were not noticeable to you/teachers etc. now she has got to an age were eg social demands are outstripping her ability to cope everything starts to come tumbling down. Or it may just been that she has matured enough that she is now aware of what’s going on in a way that she wasn’t when she was younger and this is resulting in her putting additional pressure on herself to be “normal” which in turn is resulting in her struggling more with the sensory stuff. Ask for an appointment with the SENCO, get an appointment with the GP and get her on the waiting list for an assessment for autism, ADHD etc. look up the NICE guidelines and see how much looks like your DD. Also look up online how girls with autism and ADHD present and see if that sounds like her. Read all you can and find out what you can do to help, and then push for what she needs at school.

She sounds very like my DD who got her ASD diagnosis at 7 after things came to a head in year 2. The violence is almost certainly because she can no longer cope and mask. The SENCO really should be involved as that alone should come under SEMH needs even if no other diagnoses. We did think DD had PDA, but when she was assessed and diagnosed they said it was that she was permanently in flight or fight mode due to the overwhelming environment and no support. After a truly awful year, she now has an EHCP with a full time 1 to 1 and is doing a lot better, though is starting to struggle socially (now in year 4) as some of her friends are moving to more grown up interests. I think 9 is a horrid age anyway as some are mini-teenagers while others are still into playing with toys and the like.

RockingDonkey

What you've said sounds so true of DD. Her temperament, lack of attention and sensory issues once could all be excused as her age. But these issues have all grown with her and are now a problem. I haven't looked at the NICE guidelines yet but will.

Justploddingonandon

I'm really struck by how you described your DD as being in flight or fight mode. That's exactly how I'd describe my DD!

I've spoken to DD's teacher who wrote all my concerns down. She said she'd pass them onto the ALNCo (additional learning needs coordinator).

I also spoke with DD's dad (my ex) and said we'd need to make a GP appointment. The next day the ALNCo phoned my ex and said she doesn't think DD has any additional needs or requires any support so she won't be making a referral. My ex told her we're making a GP appointment to which she said this was fine as it may paint a broader picture of DD outside school. If a referral was made we could include this with the parental element but referrals take 48 months.

So I guess we just wait for the GP appointment now.

Something else I'm worried about is if my ex (who I share 50/50 custody with) decides to ignore my concerns and side with the school what rights do I have to push for an assessment?

These are really DD's rights but can anyone stop us?

Ah, if you are in Wales, look at SNAPCymru rather than IPSEA and SOSSEN, and an IDP rather than EHCP. Support in school is based on needs, rather than diagnosis.

How can the school not think DD needs support given what you wrote in your OP? Calling you over at least once a week, DD hitting, refusing/unable to do work. Complain.

Ex could, in theory, try to prevent an assessment. And it could end up being heard in the family courts. I wouldn’t worry about that at the moment. It’s unlikely. And ex seems to support seeing the GP unless I have misunderstood.

BrightYellowTrain Thanks for your message.

Yes we're in Wales, I'll look into SNAPCymru this week.

On Friday I spoke to one of DD's teachers (there's two) and asked if I can have the ALNCo's decision in writing. This is because I've brought this issue up so speaking to her dad (my ex) doesn't really cover both households. I also want it in writing as while her dad agrees with me at the moment, I'm afraid he won't later on.

Yes it is concerning that the school are aware of her aggression to other children and herself, her poor performance in subjects and social isolation but think this is normal. I wonder if it's the 48 month waiting list for assessment. The school just have to hold off another year and a half and she's not their problem.

Going forward, following up verbal conversations either an email is a good habit to get into. It creates a paper trail.

Definitely read SNAPCymru’s website. If your communication with the school to date hasn’t done so, they have a model letter you can use to formally request the school identifies DD has having ALN. If the school decide DD doesn’t have ALN they must notify you of this in writing. You can then request the LA reconsiders the school’s decision - SNAPCymru also has a model letter you can use to request this.

The school ALNco rang me this morning. She said it was to reiterate what she'd said to my DD's dad. She doesn't believe my DD has any ALN. I explained this was brought up by me, not DD's dad (my ex) so I expected communication to be with me. I also asked for her decision in writing to which she said there's not much to write.

When I brought up DD's issues at school she said she was satisfied they were all isolated incidents.

I said again that I would need "something" in writing she agreed to an email of dates, times, names.

To be honest this has been so upsetting. Talking to DD's teacher about her problems, talking with my ex and hoping he'll belive me, speaking with the ALNco and listening to her laugh as she tells me there's nothing worth writing a report about. Saying DDs issues are her own.

It's taken me a few days to read the SNAPCymru website in full but from what I read the school have gone about this in the wrong way. Like you said BrightYellowTrain They should have at least notified me in writing of their decision after they've used the "staged test". Their decision should also include information about how I can appeal if I want to, information about how I can support my child etc. They've done none of this.

I'm still waiting to hear back from the GP about an appointment. I'm going into the school tomorrow (unrelated). Should I make another appointment? With who?