ADHD son... I'm losing the will

[millennialprobs]

My ten year old is diagnosed combined adhd. He shows me absolutely ZERO respect, constantly raising his voice at me, whinging at me, doesn't listen and actively lets me know he isn't listening, doesn't do what I tell him, blatantly ignores me when I speak etc. for some reason I'm sure he just hates me (it feels like it sometimes anyway!)
But with other family members he is a diamond majority of the time. Does as he is told, doesn't answer back or argue etc.
For some reason it's just me he doesn't respect at all and I really don't know how to handle it or rectify it. I suspect it's due to people undermining me with parenting decisions, eg. I tell his nan I don't want him to have any sweets because he didn't do his homework. And she will give him some anyway and say "it's just a couple", little things like that over the last ten years I think have contributed to this.
But the utter lack of respect is really affecting me, I'm so drained being at home with him or taking him places, it is just so unpleasant, I don't even want to be near him most of the time as awful as that sounds.

Any advice? Please no hate, I'm trying my best.

Is DS on medication? Is he receiving any support?

Behaving for others and exploding with you could be masking. You are DS’s safe person. The person who loves him unconditionally. If things were easier for him elsewhere, home life would improve, too.

Try keeping a diary to spot triggers. If homework is a problem, have you spoken to the school about stopping or reducing the amount or DS doing the homework at school? I wouldn’t link food to homework.

Some people find The Explosive Child book helpful. Others find Yvonne Newbold's resources useful. PDA strategies may help even if DS doesn’t have ASD.

How are DS’s sleeping and eating.

@EndlessLight thank you for your lovely and informative message. He isn't on medication at the moment as we are waiting for that appointment. He got diagnosed 1.5 years ago and since then I've attended all of the meetings and workshops but unfortunately in our area further appointments for medications and things can take years due to staffing issues😔
I will check out that book and your idea about keeping a trigger diary is really helpful, thank you :)

@EndlessLight as for sleeping and eating - terrible. He is incredibly picky with foods and attempt finishes his meals and he cannot switch off at night time, bless him, it takes him hours to fall asleep and he usually wakes a lot during the night😖

Rarely finishes meals**

When you discuss ADHD medication, ask about something to aid sleep too. Melatonin is often the first thing tried, but there are others to try if that doesn’t work or isn’t suitable.

For the eating issues, have a look at ARFID. Food chaining helps some people.

@EndlessLight thank you for your advice!! :)