When someone else tries to discipline your child without your permission

[MonaRosa]

Hi All

My six year old has several challenges and is currently on the pathway for an autism assessment and also awaiting the results of some genetic testing. It has been more than 2 years since I first visited the GP with concerns. So this has been a tough couple of years for us, to say the least.

I dont know if he has autism or not, but he is on school’s SEN list and we are hoping his ASD assessment will happen before the end of the year.

Here is what upset me today. We were invited to a family barbecue, which I went with my son. I do love my family, but at times these events make me feel like an inadequate parent.

My cousins has kids (a bit younger than mine) and they are very much by the book in the way they raise their kids. Strict routines, sweets only allowed on very rare occasions etc. With the challenges with my son, all of that is out of the window!! That makes me very self conscious as a parent.

The last couple of times we have been with the family, my son started by playing nicely with my cousins’ kids, but ended up getting overwhelmed after couple of hours in full tantrum mode.

On both occasions, I feel like one of my cousin’s husband treated my son badly.

Today, his little cousin was provoking him quite a bit, and my son ended up hitting him with a ball. I know that’s really bad, but I think what my cousin’s husband then did it soooo unacceptable. Despite me being there, and trying to get my son to say sorry (which he refused in full tantrum and trying to hit me), the husband intervened and tightly held my son (very very tightly!!! ), without my permission or even bothering checking if I wanted him to.

I am so upset that he thinks this is OK, and upset with myself that I didn’t confront him.

I said, please let me deal with him, he is very overwhelmed. And his answer was “if you say so” with a hint of sarcasm.

I felt judged for failing to discipline my child. But I am now more upset that I didn’t say to him that he shouldn’t do that to my child.

What would you have done? This now makes me not to want to go these family gatherings as all the other children seem son”normal” and my son so “misbehaved”.

I am sure you can tell how upset I am, and questioning myself as a mother too.

sorry for the rant, and thank you

Good evening, @MonaRosa we just wanted to bob onto your thread to say that we've moved it to a more suitable topic - SEN - and we hope you get some useful advice and support here. Do let us know if we can do anything else though.

I'd be absolutely furious! Please don't question yourself, there are no circumstances that another family member should try to discipline your child nevermind the SEN considerations that is your job and your business.

I have lots of similar situations with my child, and we are a bit isolated as a result but id rather protect him from harm. Personally I don't think neurotypical children are that different and a firm hand wouldn't be my approach with my youngest either... he responds much better to calm understanding and connection so it's just not something I want to be around x

Your cousin’s husband should not have held your son. Your cousin or cousin’s husband should have intervened when their DC was provoking DS.

Going forward, for now, I would limit large family gatherings to shorter timescales. I would also remove DS when others are provoking him. Not as punishment, but to prevent him from becoming more overwhelmed. If removing DS isn’t possible, I would position myself between DS and the cousin. Again, not as a punishment but to protect DS.