5 year old sons behaviour is escalating - would like advice

[Moomoo2376]

Hi everyone,
My 5 year old son is struggling with regulating his emotions and other behavioural issues that are becoming more challenging as he gets older. It became even more apparent today first day back at school and I'm growing more concerned. a bit of background on him, he was born with the cord wrapped around his neck very tightly and I was induced with him for lack of movement which they said would have been due to the cord. His birth was very difficult and resulted in the neonatal doctor being on standby and resussitating him at birth, he was without oxygen for 2 minutes.

He has always struggled ever since a baby and then toddler with his feelings he has always been very reactionary to all sorts of things like plans being changed, different houses, different people. He wasn't a great sleeper and was very difficult to settle which to be honest he although he sleeps better now he is still difficult to settle!

He started school last year and has entered year 1. He absolutely refuses to go into school to the point he has to be carried in by a teacher, he is screaming and it is just terrible to experience, He settles once he's in school but this routine happens every morning. I have tried everything, bribary, offering to go in with him, his teachers are lovely and he really likes them but even his favourite teachers and teaching assistants struggle to get him past the door.

In general though, he is a very sweet gentle boy but its when he becomes dysregulated this behaviour appears. The dysregulation happens frequently not just with school.

I do think its relevant to get the whole picture but he also has big issues with food, he gets very dysregulated when trying to offer or encourage a different or new food and will only eat dinner wise plain pasta with salt, chicken nuggets and a specific brand of microwave chips. We have tried everything and he knows that trying a new food will make us happy which is what he wants to do but he really struggles and then becomes more dysregulated. partly because he wants too and feels he cant but also sometimes because we are offering something other than the norm.

We are a neurodivergent family, my eldest daughter is autistic and I myself have ADHD/Autism.

I'm just wondering if there is anybody else who can relate to me and this situation, I have 4 children (he's number 3 in the gang) and I feel so upset and that I'm not doing him the best service by not understanding his needs properly.

Thanks in advance
From one very teary mum lol.

Oh i forgot to add, that im worried his behaviour will escalate and as he gets bigger and stronger I wont be able to support him in the right way. He's already quite strong and I struggle now as do his teachers.

Has DS been referred for assessment for ASD? Has he seen anyone such as an ed psych, SALT or OT?

Does DS take anything to help with sleep?

For the food issues, look at ARFID.

Does DS have an EHCP? What support is the school providing? Is he really ‘fine’ in school after being carried in? Forcing DS to go in by carrying him in screaming may make the situation worse and cause further trauma.

Some people find the books The Explosive Child and the Out of Sync Child helpful. Others find Yvonne Newbold’s resources &/or PDA strategies useful.

Thanks for your message, No he hasnt I've rung the doctors today to discuss a referral. He doesn't I didn't know there was anything he could take apart from somebody mentioned melatonin?
I will take a look at ARFID thank you,
He doesn't have an EHCP but the school arent providing any support at current. I've rung this morning to set up a meeting with the SEN lead to discuss what they can offer us.
I don't believe he is "fine" I believe they are saying it to settle me. I know my son will carry this feeling internally all day and then explode when he gets home, when he finally feels that release.

Thanks for the book recommendations I will have a look into them.

I feel like a useless mum to be honest like I've done him a disservice by not listening to my gut sooner that something wasn't right and being subdued from pursuing it further by family members who told me he's just fussy or emotional or sensitive.

You aren’t useless. If you were, you wouldn’t be posting here, wanting to support DS further, calling the GP or requesting a meeting with the SENCO.

Melatonin is one option to help with sleep and is usually the first medication tried, but there are other options too. Most GPs won’t initiate treatment, so you could request a referral to a sleep clinic, CAMHS or paeds. Some buy it instead.

For the food issues, some find food chaining helps.

The school should be supporting you and DS, providing support and making adjustments. Once you have had a meeting, follow it up with an email to create a paper trail you can use as evidence if you need it.

Request an EHCNA yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

Do you think DS is able to attend school currently? If not, the LA las a duty to ensure he still receives an education.

You are not useless. It is difficult to separate out what is immaturity and what is something that they won't grow out of. He's still young.
I do think that the school could be doing a lot more to help you. Can you self refer to the GP?

You may be more aware of these issues due to the family history. You might need to educate the school!

Hey OP. I wanted to give a suggestion about your child crying everyday when being dropped off to school. It’s interesting how you say he does actually settle down. I’m wondering if him getting upset is part of his routine, like it was for my little boy. I’m not saying he’s not upset. But my DS had got in to a routine of getting upset as soon he reached a certain point of the school grounds. Like your son he would eventually settle. What helped was changing where I was dropping him off. So instead of dropping him outside his classroom. I dropped him at the office, and surprisingly the crying did stop. Maybe worth a try. Good luck.
My ds is the same with eating, what I found helpful was taking a step back, and acknowledging that at least he was eating something. I always offer him foods, I don’t put any pressure on him to eat it thought, rather I ask him once, then place the food in his field of vision. As he’s got older he has got a few more safe foods, so it won’t always be like this. One day he was watching a YouTube video of a cartoon eating a certain food, I made it, and acted like the cartoon.. it made him laugh and took away the demand. He does eat that food now. Ofcourse this doesn’t always work and that’s ok, but it’s really important we try and see from our children’s lenses.

Hi OP, have you tried providing him with a transition toy? Something like a special Teddy from home, that he carries with him going into school in a morning that also could give him some comfort when in school.

Schools classrooms and cloakrooms are very busy places first thing, would school consider letting him arrive a little earlier to get settled with an activity or allocate him a special job to do before all the other children arrive.

Visual timetables work with some children to help them understand the plan for the morning, pictures placed in order to show what happens next.

Apologies if you've tried all the above already, hope the school meeting goes well for you.