Hello,
Just posting for a bit of advice really.
I’m at a loss and I feel like I’ve tried absolutely everything and I’m not getting anywhere.
But have a son who is 12. He’s diagnosed with autism/adhd and medicated.
I’m having a really hard time coping with the challenges I face as a parent. I have 2 younger children. (7 and 8). They have a different dad to my eldest.
My 12 year olds behaviour just seems out of control. He is constantly winding up his siblings, being argumentative with me, compulsively lying. I’m not even joking, he walked past his younger brother the other day and pulled his hair and started messing around with him whilst he was watching the tv. (I was in the kitchen watching through the reflection through the door) I obviously walked straight in and said why did you do that to your brother. He flat out denied it. Even though I stated I saw him.
Even little things like saying he’s brushed his teeth. (Toothbrush is still dry)
Refuses to get dressed in the mornings for school.
Meal times are a pain. Constantly says he doesn’t like a particular food. Even if he’s been eating it fine the day before. His diet is already limited. He doesn’t eat any fruit or vegetables.
But when I try and hold him accountable for his actions he becomes verbally abusive and flies off the handle. I’m consistent with consequences in the fact that I’m always looking for potential triggers in his behaviour and try and divert and distract. and take away devices for a set period of time if the behaviour continues.
He never sees any error in his behaviour and blames everyone else.
He is the same when he goes to my younger children’s dads every other weekend. (My ex basically took him on as his own as he’s bought him up from a baby as his dad doesn’t have him). In fact he’s just come off holiday with them. But he riled everyone up, every day. Despite being given opportunities to take a moments break.
It’s got to the point now where my ex husband and his partner need to have a chat about arrangements moving forward. It’s really placing additional stress on their household and impacting the time they spend with the other children.
His real paternal nan and extended family have a relationship with him. Just not his dad. But all his relationships in all aspects of his life are becoming strained because of how he treats people and because of how much he lies. Even at school they are struggling with the social aspect side of things. Because he constantly upsets his peers and can’t maintain relationships.
He doesn’t do well with other people in authority telling him off or speaking to him. Thinks that I should be dealing with his behaviour as I’m his mum. Which I understand but other people really do need to step in sometimes because he escalates in a big way.
Sometimes when I tell him off or take away his devices he tells me that he’s going to tell his teachers I hit and abuse him unless I give his devices back. I never back down though I remain consistent.
I constantly feel like I’m walking on egg shells.
When he wants to be nice he can be really nice. Really well spoken and has a true passion for technology and how they work. He’s helped several people fix their phones and iPads etc. I think I have a mini engineer on my hands and I’m always looking for ways he can distract himself with his passion. Even if it means him raiding the recycling and making 100 cardboard mobile phones.
I’m just at a loss of what to do. I feel like he falls through the ‘gap’ so to speak in the educational sector. Because he doesn’t qualify for additional funding to help because academically he’s ‘fine’ according to his school.
Although he struggles with his handwriting and spelling and it’s completely illegible. But their answer is to just give him a laptop for school instead. But then take it away as he doesn’t have the organizational skills to save work and send it to them. 🙄
I’ve spoken to his paediatrician. who has said that our council don’t offer behavioural therapy for children or CBT or anything.
I’ve tried so many different strategies. Talking, giving him his own space, rewarding positive behaviour and ignoring the bad. I’ve tried to set reasonable goals, talking to him on his level, taking away devices. 1-1 time. Everything. But nothing ever sinks in. He either lies or gets abusive.
I’m just so drained. Constantly worried and feel like I need to watch him like a hawk 24/7.
If anybody has suggestions I’d really appreciate it. I don’t want his relationships to suffer with everybody and I’d like some peace and harmony in the house.
Also I work with SEN children and always manage to help them with strategies. But when it comes to my own child nothing I do works so I feel really rubbish and useless.
Thanks for reading