If anyone has any experience or advice please share because I truly don't know what to do here for the best.
DS5 has SEN. Not diagnosed yet but he has EHCP for 30 hours support. Most likely asd, he HATES being asked to do something. It takes prior warnings, reminders etc to get him on task. He's very strong willed and becomes violent if he doesn't get his own way. I don't allow him to dictate life because that will not help him in the long run. I explain why I've asked him to do X,Y or Z. Consequences are time outs to think about behaviour or a do over to have another try.
For the last 6 months or so DD has started to become incredibly distressed when DS refuses a task. For example they were playing in the garden and I asked him to come get some sun cream on before he plays (this is a routine he knows) He did not like the way the cream was sprayed and tried to snatch the bottle. I explained we need suncream before play so we don't get burned. DD starts crying, wailing, pushing in-between me and DS begging to get her suncream on first. This is happening with everything. He refuses to get dressed, she begs to get dressed first and becomes hysterical if refused.
She will always concede her toys to him and basically spends her time making his life as nice as possible even at her own detriment.
I've explained so many times to her that she can't control his behaviour, he is always going to say no and it is my job, not hers, to help DS do his jobs. She seems to understand when I explain this but then reverts back to being hysterical when he next refuses to do something. We have a corner plot, so sometimes neighbours kids come and play. One child was the teacher today and didn't select DS - obviously a total non issue - but DD jumped up and started stamping her feet and stormed off saying it wasn't fair DS wasn't chosen. DS was completely unarsed at this.
It's making life difficult during the holidays because they're constantly around each other. DD is on edge constantly. Nothing I can say is enough to get her out of this mindset. I don't understand why she feels the need to do this.
I'm a good mum, we have a lovely home. They are my world, they have lovely opportunities and a great wider family. Apart from DS's sen there's no issues. I am concerned she also has SEN, not the same way as DS. If this isn't a phase though, I'm just so worried how she's going to grow up constantly feeling like she has to fully accommodate someone else's needs for no reason.