Just feeling sad today.

[Fedup369]

My daughter is 4 and was diagnosed with autism in March, I've mostly come to terms with her diagnosis but it still hurts sometimes.

When I first realised she was behind developmentally at around 18 months I found it really hard, especially as she wouldn't connect with us anymore at that time, she wouldn't look at me, wouldn't come near me, would move her toys away from me when I tried to play would avoid eye contact with me at all cost, stopped eating anything that isn't beige, stopped sleeping but didn't want held so would just scream all night while I sat in her room helpless.

She's past all that now and we have a wonderful bond and she's very affectionate and loving, always wants hugs, we can do jigsaws together and play at the park, we make forts and I read to her and it's wonderful but there's one thing that breaks my heart.

I can't talk to her, I've never heard her say I love you, and I don't know if I ever will. We have 0 back and forth conversation. I feel like I'm at the point where I'd give my kidney to have a 2 minute conversation with her, just to say something and get a reply, she can talk but she's a gesalt language processor, meaning she only speaks in learnt words and phrases that in her case she picks up from Ben and holly or peppa pig. There is 0 spontaneous language, sometimes I get my hopes up when I hear her say something and I think OMG that's spontaneous and then the next day I'll hear it on peppa pig and I'll like 😔 oh maybe not, I longed to hear her voice for 3 years, she didn't speak at all untill 3 and now I get to hear it and it's amazing, but I don't know if I'll ever get a look into her world, I might never know her thoughts, her favourite colour, what she wants for dinner, or hear how her days been, 99% of the time I'm really ok about it, I love my daughter to bits and wouldn't change her, but sometimes I'm really angry with the universe that she has this, I feel like I have to let go of the image of the life I imagined for her and accept what is.
I hope I'm not alone in these feelings, I feel like I need to be strong all the time, but I'm having a real wobble today.

All I really want from this is 1 to get it off my chest, and 2 to see if anyone else's child was a gesalt language processor and can talk spontaneously now. The speech therapist said some do and some don't, but I don't know, I need a glimmer of hope I suppose.

Hey, sending hugs. I’ve had my fair share of sad days too! I used to feel so angry with Mother Nature (sometimes still do) that I could be given someone I love beyond words, then be made to go through the agony of watching him struggle every day 🥲

My son’s language development started in a similar way. No talking until 3, then lots of scripting and learning phrases from tv etc.

He’s ten now and uses spontaneous language, has conversations and a wide vocabulary! He still has difficulties though, he needs more processing and will tune out if a conversation is moving to fast for him or involves too many people.

We have a whole host of other problems now, anxiety, school refusal etc.

But speech went from being my biggest concern as a preschooler to the least of my concerns now.

It’s great that she wants to communicate with you and is trying to do so, even if it’s in her own way. Definitely take that as a positive!

I just want to say what a beautifully written post that is. I’m having a sad day too. Different worries and stresses about my child, but same emotions of love and longing. I rang my mum earlier because I wanted to just talk because I felt so lonely with it all. I hope you feel that by writing this and hopefully some other responding with similar situations that you’re less alone. Sending strength and hope.

I just came across this and couldn't not reply because I've been where you are and know how heartbreaking it can be. My little boy is just turning six, we realised he had language issues when he didn't point until very late and didnt speak at all until 3.
Anyway, he is also agestalt language learner and used to just repeat long sentences from tv and movies. Sometimes in context and sometimes not! His speech therapist told us most children learn words and use them to build sentences but he was doing things the other way round! So he has had to learn to break down all these phrases to use them properly.
He is now in school. He is able to tell me all about his day. He has just started being able to describe his feelings. He is the happiest, kindest little boy and very smart. He tells me loves me a lot! Of course every child is different but I hope this encourages you, hang in there, they have a huge amount of development ahead at this age and it can happen fast when they are ready.

That sounds exactly like my daughter so Thankyou that's very encouraging, her sister closed a door on her today and she said -no stop it.

and then said - go home now

when we were at my grans, it's amazing when they have they're on spontaneous language and are able to express what they want to say. I was over the moon at those two phrases she said today

That's great, sounds like she's making progress! I could never have guessed how well my son can speak and express himself now. Though he does love calling his sister a 'poop head' :) I really hope she continues to do so well.